So, here we are in the lovely month of October yet again. That, of course, means a revisit to everyone's favorite genre: Horror. I know, I know...It's not really everyone's favorite, but it is the one I hear most often referred to as someone's favorite. But why is that? I think it's because the horror genre is such a far-reaching form of narrative that's ultimately about "what happens to people." And that can be revealing in so many ways...as well as make it ripe for conversation.
So, why am I doing this...?
I dunno. I forgot. Wasn't I supposed to write a retrospective on Scream...?
The rules are simple! And yeah, I am definitely keeping the added rule from last year if I can help it...
- No Prior knowledge of the movie
- No investigation into the movie
- I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
- And finally...Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
- No David DeCoteau movies
Well then, let's get started! Full disclosure: I watched the first movie on this list a couple of nights early. I had no choice though since Netflix was yanking it on the 1st, but I did plan to watch it first months in advance. And that movie is...
- Don't Look Now - They were totally doin' it...
- Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan - There are a lot of things I could say here, but I know you're just wondering if that's really Dan Haggerty. And the answer's yes...
- The Expelled - Nice one, dad...
- Donner Pass - This and the following movie star the same guy, and possibly share filming locations. I don't want to re-watch either to confirm that...
- Madison County - I don't wanna cross this bridge again. #obviousjoke
- Penny Dreadful - Well, that was...a...So, you're just gonna end like that, huh, movie?
- Bruiser - Jason Flemyng...A Career in Prosthetics. Somebody copywrite that YESTERDAY!!
- Resolution - I think I'm really developing an appreciation for the slow-burn because this really worked for me.
- Last Kind Words - Ida...your son's an asshole!
- Munger Road - "To be continued?" Not on my watch...bitchhhh.
- State of Emergency - A zombie apocalypse movie with no excessive bickering and a fast wrap-up that implies that the outbreak is largely contained? I'll take it.
- Ritual - This is Haute Tension with a dude...and more convolution.
- Rites of Spring - This is what it's like when plots COLLIDE!!!!!
- Isolation - Somebody clearly saw The Vanishing...
- Rats: Night of Terror - I haven't laughed that hard at anything all month, so far.
- Paranormal Asylum - What's a movie with "Paranormal" in the title without a scene or two requiring us to watch someone sleep...?
- Lizzie - I don't think it's too much to ask for your Lizzie Borden movie to at least have a more creative title...Wait a minute--GARY BUSEY!?!
- Salvage - I picked you because you're short. I didn't think it was because you didn't bother with an ending...
- 23:59 - That was almost...heartwarming?
- Come Out and Play - "How've you been? Oh, me? I just got back from vacation! Yeah, it was a lot of fun. I killed a boy!"
- The Slaughterhouse Massacre - Look, director-guy...I get it. You know a lot of strippers. But even your movie's TITLE is trying too hard. And yet...not nearly hard enough.*
- Barrio Tales - I can admit when I've made a mistake...This is more insulting to Spanish culture than a compilation of Carlos Mencia specials.
- Home Sweet Home - That was the limpest "I'm gonna fucking kill you" I've ever heard. And as desperately as you want your killer to get away, movie, he still left his DNA all over the mask he dropped after being SHOT IN THE FUCKING THROAT!! Kiss my ass...**
- A Haunting at Silver Falls - "inspired by true events" is such a laughable lie. And you're the 2nd movie in a row to utter that trite "Why are you doing this?" line. Let's hope there isn't a third...
- Blood Runs Cold - I was gonna say something about how geeky the killer looks with those goggles, but then the leading lady started crying...WIPE YOUR NOSE!! Have SOME dignity for fuck's sake...
- Live Animals - It's exactly what you think it is...if you thought it was a half-assed hillbilly torture-porn take on The Most Dangerous Game that was "shot-on-shitteo."
- Truth or Die - Justin is a real fair-game, tit-for-tat kind of guy. If not for his rather distinct homophobia, I'd have nothin' to really hold against him. Well yeah, the murdering too but c'mon!
- Absence - Wanna know how to tell if a movie knows it shit the bed? A post-credits scene that's just a tepid explanation...
- A Hatchet for the Honeymoon - "If that mannequin didn't want it, why was she lookin' at me with those eyes?"
- Mr. Hush - *At the 5 min. mark* I know it's early to say, but...this lady sucks. Scratch that. EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE.
- Extinction - Ha! In before the buzzer, Netflix...and this is just another generic zombie movie but with a cast of non-native English speakers.
- The Hamiltons - Where did you find a budget Rose McGowan that's NOT Rose McGowan...?
Man...that was ROUGH! If the random selections I've seen are any indication, 2012 and 2013 have not been kind to the horror genre in the slightest. Found footage, home invasion, generic slashers, and so much piss-poor writing and directing that I can't even begin to gauge it all. But I can say that I've learned and observed quite a few things. For example...
- Horror movies would have you think that the Midwest and South are TEEMING with torture basements
- "School project" is shorthand for "I don't have a legit reason to film any of this shit"
- Laziest form of titillation short of nudity...girls making out
- Few things piss me off more than a forced "bad guy gets away with it" ending
- Music and sound truly count for EVERYTHING
I'm just getting started, and there's more than 20 days left in the month. I'd say "Do your worst" but I am NOT tempting fate after what I've been watching. Who wants a sugar cookie?
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| I think I made a new friend... |
*- You named your stoner character "Stoner." You and your laziness can fuck right off.
**- This is The Strangers with one guy, so...The Stranger, I guess.
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