Halloween Horror Marathon 2014: I stand before you a man transformed...Mostly because I'm sitting.

So, 3 years and running, and I have to say that I've learned a thing or two to show for it all. Let's just say that my sensibilities and grasp has definitely expanded. The truth is every single one of these movies from best to worst has been and can be fun. Not in a "Wait until I get _____ to sit through this shit" kinda way (that I reserve for Tyler Perry movies), but as an experience. It is what you make of it, and while I definitely won't recommend EVERYTHING I watch (If you're a single woman that lives alone who would watch The Sentinel with OR without me, I might marry you), I will say that you can enjoy yourself with the right approach. Bear that in mind as you power through the coming list as I powered each of these movies. The rules are as always...

No Prior knowledge of the movie

No investigation into the movie

I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion

Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...

And, of course...No David DeCoteau movies

This year, however, I'm adding a NEW rule...which is starting to seem like an annual thing. I promise it's not, but with the introduction of Netflix Roulette into my world, how could I not put this to use in this setting? So, I've decided that for every 5th movie (or 10th, depending on my progress this go 'round) I will give the Roulette wheel a spin. If it lands on something I've never seen within 3 tries, I'll watch it. So...

• The Netflix Roulette Gambit - Whatever unfamiliar title it lands on, I have to watch it

Alright, here we go.

If you know where this comes from, I'm sorry. I know. I saw it too...

1. You're Next - I waited over a year to see this. Was it worth it...? Yeah. Solid little thrill-ride, that.
2. Blood Lake - Shit, already with "The Asylum?" Thought I'd make it to my 5th before I was tempted to start drinking...
3. The Sacrament - I feel confident in saying that Ti West is becoming a name you can trust in this genre.
4. Dead Within - A zombie movie without the zombies...that focuses on a building case of cabin fever? Alright, I'll take it.
5. Mutants - Right outta the gate, you fuck me over, Roulette. Twice, if I consider that you suggested Devil first...
6. Ring of Curse - I guess we can call you "Birth of a Death Note" what with the premise hijacking you pulled. But I will say, I'm taken aback by a movie that apologizes for my monopolized time. I accept.
7. Torment - I picked you because you're short. That mask though..."♫Who's the nut-bar slasher who kills all your family? M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!!!♫"
8. Antisocial - Don't force your obsession with social media onto your viewing audience. And no it doesn't help if you're ultimately saying that Facebook can or will bring about a zombie apocalypse.
9. The Seasoning House - I'm lookin' but I don't see a single herb or spice, Colonel...
10. Alice in Murderland - What did I do to you, Netflix Roulette...?
11. Cheerleader Massacre 2 - People are still making movies with titles like this in the 21st century...but somehow worse.
12. Buck Wild - This is a comedy. And I was on-board from the minute Clyde threw that wrench...
13. Alien Abduction - At the 5-min mark, this plays...And without getting into detail, that ending was the stupidest I've seen in a found footage movie in...well, ever.
14. The Den - I find myself losing sympathy pretty quickly for your characters and your movie when they deliberately do the opposite of what would keep them alive for the sake of your forced ending. You should write more gooder.
15. The Monkey's Paw - Damn, Stephen Lang...You were in the most successful movie in recorded history. I bet your first wish would be erasing this from the resume, but thanks for using the term "Monkey Magic" in this movie.
16. 13/13/13 - That's not how calendar's work, Asylum.
17. Banshee Chapter - Are you found footage or not? 'Cause a lot of your cinematography says "amateur with a handheld" to me.
18. The Chair - If your character is supposed to be possessed, something in your performance should change other than your dialog. That's just me though...
19. Storage 24 - You suck, Mark.
20. Hellgate - Noticed that Cary Elwes has been doing a lot cane-required roles lately...
21. Hatchet III - Well...can't really come back from that, can ya'?
22. Omnivores - This week on "Is This Racist!?"--Spanish men impersonating Japanese men! 
23. The Town that Dreaded Sundown ('76) - "Only the names have been changed," huh? Not according to EVERY other source on the matter...*
24. Don't Go in the Woods (2010) - Just for these haircuts, they can't die soon enough. But seriously, this horror-musical is too light on horror.
25. Stage Fright - At least now I know what Minnie Driver's been up to these days...in the 2nd horror-musical in a row for me. This one has a "sense of humor" about it though...and Meatloaf.
26. Cabin Fever: Patient Zero - Thanks Cabin Fever franchise, for redefining "crotch rot." Didn't need that, but didn't need you either.
27. Haunt - I'm not sure I'll remember this in 2 hours, so just remind me by saying "unreliable narrator." That'll at least start a discussion...
28. Contracted - If the moral of this story is meant to be "Don't fuck bald guys" then lemme say that I...wholeheartedly agree.
29. Dark Touch - Yknow, kids have the most rotten luck with telekinesis. Maybe abusive adults have it worse, but...I mean, fuck them.
30. The Bell Witch Haunting - Just because you have a character point out that someone should put the camera down in your found footage movie doesn't excuse that they're NOT PUTTING THE CAMERA DOWN!!!**
31. Citadel - I guess there truly is nothing to fear but fear itself...and baby-snatching cannibal mutants.
32. Nightmare City - Umberto Lenzi: forcing a tit into the shot while backed by a funky disco track at all costs!
33. The Tortured - Y'know what gets me hot? Soldering a child murderer's nips. Let's make another baby, honey!
34. Demonic - Okay, is it succubi in the forest I should be worried about or a crazed Tom Savini? 'Cause I'm losing interest in both...
35. Jug Face - SEAN YOUNG IS STILL ALIVE!!?!?

I swear for half of these movies I had an additional comment or 5 that I withheld. Not that last one. It's literally all I can think about. That lady wanted to be Catwoman.

NOPE! Don't look away. I won't let you!! THIS HAPPENED!!!!

It's gotten to the point where I'm not watching movies deliberately throughout the year so I'll have something new to watch in October. So far, that's working out fine and I have the genre to thank for that. What I will not thank the genre for is the overabundance of found footage movies. This is getting really, REALLY lazy, guys. You're giving me plenty to watch, but most of it is a real shit-show. Of course, that makes it clearer that the Roulette spins will have to be every 10 movies. Although, I'm not sure I've forgiven the wheel for Alice in Murderland yet...fuckin' asshole.

At any rate, I've got a couple of titles lined up for the next batch already. Whether or not last year's record can be broken, however, remains to be seen...'Til next time!

I'd recreate this pic, but who has a broadsword these days...?

*--I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to say "Get ready for a Sack Attack" during this movie without you losing respect for me, so I won't.

**--Somewhere in a ghost story, there is ALWAYS a little girl that finds everything hilarious. If you're wondering if that means every cliche was met, the answer is yes.