So, the last movie I watched as of the moment I'm writing this was edited like a 90's sports reel...
I've got nothing to add to that. I just want you to be able to imagine what I'm sitting through sometimes.
- No Prior knowledge of the movie
- No investigation into the movie
- I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion*
- Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
- And, of course...No David DeCoteau movies
The first year I did this, I watched the original Maniac, a movie Gene Siskel tapped out on in disgust. Recently, the remake was added on Netflix. And by that I mean very recently, as in a couple of days ago. Will I watch it? Well, obviously the answer's "yes."
- (67) Potpourri - This movie's ambition is only surpassed by its casual racism. The ambition doesn't amount to much though...
- (68) Rock 'n Roll Nightmare (aka The Edge of Hell) - I'm only watching you to see how quickly things go off the rails, and I gotta say...2 minutes is impressive!*
- (69) Devil - Wait, are you sure this isn't The Happening...?
- (70) Trespassers - This is amateur hour through and through from the tech aspect. The writing and acting is pretty bottom shelf as well...
- (71) A Brush with Death - Blanking on this in T-minus 5, 4, 3, 2...
- (71) Severed: Forest of the Dead - Who's the real monster, generic zombie movie...?
- (72) American Mary - This title doesn't make any sense, and you just took the "I wanna be Barbie" psychosis to its logical conclusion...That's as edgy as this gets for me.
- (73) The Beyond - Fulci just HATES faces...especially eyes!
- (74) Greystone Park - I never thought I'd have to say this again, but found-footage or POV can't and shouldn't have a score. You might as well have made a traditional narrative film if you're gonna use that convention...
- (75) The Awakening - The skeptic in a ghost story looks more and more ridiculous with each one I see, then again when the reveal is rooted in a lie...
- (76) Maniac (2012) - This is the series finale of Wilfred. I'm sure of it.
- (77) Scourge - If you're gonna hit me with PS2 graphics outta the gate...
- (78) Playback - You didn't warn me that there was a wild Christian Slater running about in you, movie!!
- (79) Breeders (aka Deadly Instincts) - From opening credits alone, I knew this was pretty jank...and this is the worst metaphor for abusive relationships...
- (80) Terror Tract - Buff Bagwell AND Bryan Cranston vs. a monkey!?! I'm in!! - What YOU'LL say after reading this...
- (81) Girls Gone Dead - I'm just using you to pad out the numbers. I knew you'd suck from the title, and everyone else knows it too. No, appearances from Ron Jeremy and Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern Show DON'T help. They make things worse...**
- (82) Sadako - So...This is how a franchise flies off the rails these days. Is everyone the world over willingly ignoring the gimmicky nature of 3D?
- (83) Succubus: Hell-Bent - I'm now convinced that horror movies need to not be Spring Break-related. I say that as someone that honestly enjoyed Pirahna 3D for the schlock that it is...
- (84) Tamara - ...and then that ending happened. I was almost with you, movie. Almost...
- (85) 11/11/11: The Prophecy - It's really all there in the title, isn't it...?
- (86) 12/12/12 - I have a sneaking suspicion that these writers at The Asylum have very limited medical knowledge...
- (87) Feeding Grounds - Not smart enough to find your way into porn? Don't worry! Some opportunistic hack with a camera will find something for you to do...No, talent's not a requirement.
- (88) Parasitic - All that for a weak zombie movie...?
- (89) A Thousand Cuts - Oh, the irony of a low budget movie that no one has seen making commentary on the Hollywood scene...
- (90) The Haunting of Rebecca Verlaine - Did you really just steal music from the score of The Crow, and expect no one to notice...?
- (91) The Hotel - Y'know...America needs more witch doctors...
- (92) Hold Your Breath - I will not let this be the last thing I watch this month. That's for sure...
- (93) Hansel & Gretel - Well, of course "The Asylum" had to throw their hat into this ring! This title is 1/3, and the Korean movie that has nothing to do with the fairy-tale is the front-runner by far.
- (94) The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh - Pyro from the X-Men movies walks around an old house. That's pretty much it...
- (95) I'm Not Jesus, Mommy - Whoa! By movie standards, she's a big girl. Are you really gonna start things out with a sex scene...? No? Cowards...
- (96) The Club - I can't find Fitty anywhere...
- (97) Creep Van - You clearly put all of your resources into everything but the title. I can forgive that. I can't forgive any involvement from Lloyd Kaufman...
- (98) Primal - I think I just found the flimsiest excuse for not leaving the potentially deadly camping situation in a movie: "It took us forever to find these cave paintings!"
- (99) Drifter: Henry Lee Lucas - Antonio Sabato Jr. is no Michael Rooker. That is all I have to say.
- (100) V/H/S 2 - So...I could legitimately call that first sequence "Clarissa Explains It All?"
- (101) Dead End - Ray Wise saves any movie, but give him the aide of Lin Shaye...We're golden!
- (102) Ghost Game - They should re-title this "Mean Witches." That's the only way these performances aren't the absolute worst...
- (103) Ted Bundy - So, is "Barnholtz Entertainment" just a company that placates former teen idol actors' whim to play serial killer roles...? Either way, Parker Lewis as Bundy is only killing ME...***
- (104) Smile - I guess Italian movies are STILL embarrassingly dubbed...
- (105) The Evil Twin - The subtitles for this period piece ghost story are pretty jank...
- (106) The Coffin - Just once, I would LOVE for a ghost love story to include this exchange of dialog: "So I was wondering...Are you dead? 'Cause if you are, you have to tell me." Ghost- "Whaat? No..."
- (107) Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer pt.2 Mask of Sanity - If you ever wanted to see the guy that was trying to bootleg "Death Blow" on Seinfeld as a serial killer...the universe has answered your oddly specific prayer.
- (108) Haxan - Next time you're throwing a Halloween party, just play scenes from this on a loop in the background. I promise someone will ask "What the fuck is this!?" every 5-10 minutes.
- (109) Black Night - "Next Door?" My Martin Lawrence joke is RUINED!! Good thing this is anthology or else I'd have nothing to work with...
- (110) Tony - Well, my definition of sadness just changed...
- (111) Kuroneko - Gotta hand it to old Japanese film-makers. They will literally build a set to burn that fucker down...
- (112) Pieces - I'm actually glad I missed a house party months ago just so I can watch this now. That cop's mustache makes it all worth it!!****
3 years, no repeats, PERSONAL RECORD BROKEN!!!!!
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| Hmmm...What to do next...? |
I wanted to end on a rounder number this time around. Either way, there you have it! Another October, and more lessons learned...sorta. It's kinda strange, really. The cliches of the genre have "changed," but that doesn't equate to evolution. In fact, the more movies you see and they stand out as not just a little absurd but pretty stupid. Don't believe me? Well, you do but you would rather I provide examples anyway so I'm gonna...
- Apparently, cellphone reception is shit EVERYWHERE. So, every character is an AT&T customer...
- Ghost stories are so nonsensical that 90% of the time, you can zone out until the last 15 minutes if you want and not miss a thing!
- Your taste in music selection is directly proportionate to your ability to produce a decent movie.
- A French film student can still manage to be amazingly pretentious under any circumstance.
- Red herrings can never be anything but too suspicious by being either too obvious or too vague.
- The mountains, small towns with desperately innocuous names, and/or the 15-mile radius of any camp always houses a murderer that everyone should know about or everyone pretends they don't because they're in on it.
- Basically, every scenario has been done but most have been done poorly in recent years.
- The jazzy funk soundtracks of the 70's and 80's aided the vibe of genre films of that time more than modern film-makers may realize.
- Stop trying to create horror icons. It either happens naturally, or not at all. I'm sure I've said this before...
The beauty of this little experiment is the genre itself. So many movies are made in the horror genre every year that I could afford to watch over 100 movies every October for the rest of my life and that is the craziest thing I've ever typed! Fuckin' NO!! I'm not doing that. I'm up for the challenge, but there is no question that there's a difference between quality and quantity. That said, I'm glad I do this. It guarantees that no matter what, MY October is never boring. Now, I finish that Scream retrospective (eventually)! And I have to because I'm stating it here in plain view of everyone that reads this. Later, folks!
*- How awful would your metal band have to be for THE DEVIL to try to keep you from recording...?
**- It's a movie full of Tara Reids...
***- It even has the same presentational structure as Drifter!! Except...I think...this movie wants you to feel sorry for Ted Bundy. Read that slowly and aloud if you need to.
****- The bug-fuck insanity and casual racism you should EXPECT in your Italian-produced horror movie!
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