The Assholes Always Lose

For some reason, I don't ever see myself writing for some other site as a very likely possibility. Actually, the reason is probably that I'm primarily an opinionated jackass. Which means, of course, that I naturally don't know when to shut up at times. Good thing I've got this outlet. Otherwise, I might have to start drinking...

At least then I'd have an excuse for wearing this cape...

That being the case, I still seem to be better about putting my foot in my mouth (both literally and figuratively) than even I would expect. And I know this because I realized one simple truth in life over my limited years: You don't always decide where the line is drawn.

Halloween Horror Marathon 2016: No One can Hear ME Scream

I'm gonna regret using that title when I actually revisit the Scream franchise...

Into the 3rd entry on this year's run, and I've made a decision. For the first time, I'm actually going to plan to stop at movie #105. When you reach a point where there are only about 5-10 movies on Netflix in the genre that you haven't seen, the time has come to reassess. That's exactly what I plan to do because my goal is usually to break my personal record each year. That's gonna get much harder with each passing year, and that means developing a strategy going forward. For now, I forge ahead with the usual rules.

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• No David DeCoteau movies

Are there any gems left in my last 36 movies this year? Let's see what we find...

Hint: This is not a shot from a gem.

Halloween Horror Marathon 2016: As Legend has it...

And we are BACK!! Not shooting for a new personal record this year, but definitely forming a strategy for how to knock it outta the park in 2017. If I play my cards right, there may be enough franchises lined up that I can revisit with fresh eyes. But for now, it's grasping at whatever I can find...as long as it fits the following.

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• No David DeCoteau movies

Back to the brutality. The best part of that sentence is you don't know if I mean the movies or the internalized agony of watching Ouija Experiment 2...

"Hey, boo. If you wanna see what mediocrity REALLY looks like..."

Halloween Horror Marathon 2016: Stranger Things Will Have to Wait...

Getting started a little later than I would've hoped, but I've got a good reason!*

I'm here now though, and ready to put in that work. I'll keep the intro brief. You know why we're here. Here's the breakdown. Below are the horror movies I've watched this year for my annual marathon in October as well as a brief comment, thought, or micro-review. This year, I'll also conclude with the recommendations and condemnations from this batch of films.** The criteria is...

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• No David DeCoteau movies

No retreat, no surrender, no stops 'til November. Let's do this!

Here We are Again, Huh...?

Terence Crutcher, an unarmed Black American dealing with car trouble, was shot and killed by police officers from the Tulsa PD. The initial report from the officer (Betty Shelby) who fired the fatal shots claimed that he was "uncooperative" and did not hold his hands in the air for full visibility. Well, that's a lie.

And she's not the first to lie about the interaction with a black person shortly before the untimely death of that black person. Even worse, Terence Crutcher wasn't even the only unarmed Black American to be shot and killed by police within a week, and as I'm writing this sentence, it's ONLY FUCKING THURSDAY!!!* Can you believe that we're still in a place where we have to talk about this type of thing? Given all that we've consistently seen, and yet this is still where we are. No change. No progress. Just the same excuses.

Red, Blue, or Green: Politics Nuzlocke Challenge

If no one gets that reference, I'll be severely disappointed...

The time has come in the presidential election cycle where we're all bellyaching over the presumptive nominees of the two major parties. Usually, this is mildly conjectural seeing as most of us rarely have all of the information needed to form the best opinion possible. However, things couldn't be clearer in 2016 if they were being viewed through a freshly-made window on a day with the brightest skies.

One of these expressions PERFECTLY capture the feelings of most on these choices...

Now's not the time to ponder how the hell we got here. For the most part, we already know. And we also know that half of this image could've been just as bad if not a little worse...

Hence the typical reactions at this point in the cycle: rejection and...well, misplaced defiance. Now, if you're one of those who are declaring that you're not gonna vote because reasons, fine. Nobody really cares, to be honest. And you're really not that unique in the grand scheme of this or any modern election. That kinda applies to those of you proudly voting for a 3rd party candidate too, but there's one major difference. Your vote is more than likely being pissed away and you know it. However, you're not making a statement or a positive difference.

This is the part where you probably think that I'm gonna point fingers and say "if Trump wins the election, it'll be YOUR fault." Well, I'm not. That's not on you any more than his nomination is seeing as if you're thinking of voting for Jill Stein or Gary Johnson, you probably didn't vote for Donald Trump at any point. What is your fault is thinking that anyone in the mainstream knows or cares who either of those people are. They don't. And yes, that matters. To take a step back, a key reason we wound up with this squalid lot for presidential picks can be summed up in two words that explain A LOT of things: Brand recognition. That should be self-explanatory, and if it isn't, I don't have the energy or interest in breaking that down right now. It's already been done. So, unless you're reading this while residing in a "Red State," voting for a 3rd party is as potent and meaningful an action as shopping at a Whole Foods.

I know my surroundings...

The long and short of it is I don't like the political landscape in America right now any more than...seemingly most of the civilized world. Why should I? One candidate is the kind of career politician that's shrouded in scandals, justifiable or not. The other is a bigoted moron. There may never have been a more extreme example of the "lesser of two evils" in history. But if there's one thing we've all had to get used to as adults, it's placing a vote for a candidate we don't like simply because they're the best option we've got this time. And if you don't believe me, please tell us all how enthusiastically you voted for this ball of charisma...

Guys! Guys! Settle down...

Things absolutely could and should be better, but they're not. We've still got a LONG way to go on so many fronts before we get there, and taking a detour for personal pride is a luxury.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to practicing holding my nose in the ballot booth...again.

Thanks, America!!

Fans are Dumb Dummies...or Possibly Worse

The internet has provided us all with a wide birth of information and every opportunity to complain about it. That's sorta what's about to happen here, so let's not pretend that it's not about to go down. Let's talk film adaptations for a bit, shall we?

Without getting into a lengthy spiel that could turn into a rant, the whole point of an adaptation is to represent the material honestly so that the results resonate with the familiar and the uninitiated. You can't and shouldn't make a movie for only one crowd or the other. This defeats the purpose of adapting preexisting material, no matter the size or demographic of the fan-base. If you've done a great job at bringing an idea to life on-screen, then the fans will love your work in addition to the original material and you'll have made new fans out of those who didn't know about this property because of the movie they've now seen.

Not in spite of it, you jack-ass.

I bring this all up because of a special turn of events in the realm of film adaptations: The SPECTACULAR failure of Jem and The Holograms. Yeah, you were probably expecting a "Truly, truly, TRULY outrageous" here if you're in the know, but that's just predictable and we're better than that. Besides, the only people truly outraged right now are the execs that backed the production of that dumpster fire. If you threw in some of the estimated $5 million to make that colossal shit-show, you'd probably be a little angry too considering the turn of events.

After 2 weeks of embarrassing and depressingly dismal returns, Jem and the Holograms was pulled from theaters.

Technically, YOU'RE not even in the movie. So, don't feel bad...

What was your plan, sir? -- Resident Evil Villains

It's been a while since I've taken the time to address the missteps of any villain's plans or actions, but revisiting material can bring things to new light. Hindsight is 20/20, after all, and that highlights a common thread among many a bad guy. Hence, this new approach to antagonist analysis...

What was your plan, sir?

Here, we'll take a look at the more absurd or embarrassingly stupid villainous plots and acts. And there is no better place to start than with these idiots...

No, I'm not gonna break down the many flaws of the Umbrella Corporation business plan. Cracked.com has already done a decent job of showcasing the degree to which this company's bottom line makes no sense. I'm looking at specific cases of idiocy. Like exhibit A over here...