And we are BACK!! Not shooting for a new personal record this year, but definitely forming a strategy for how to knock it outta the park in 2017. If I play my cards right, there may be enough franchises lined up that I can revisit with fresh eyes. But for now, it's grasping at whatever I can find...as long as it fits the following.
- No Prior knowledge of the movie
- I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
- Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
- No David DeCoteau movies
Back to the brutality. The best part of that sentence is you don't know if I mean the movies or the internalized agony of watching Ouija Experiment 2...
 |
| "Hey, boo. If you wanna see what mediocrity REALLY looks like..." |
- (36) The Invitation - If this is a swipe at Scientology...
- (37) Deathgasm - Thank you for being transparent in your nod to movies like Detention. I'll say that...
- (38) Baskin - I have seen far too many movies begin with or showcase kids seeing their parents boink in some capacity to ignore the possibility that several filmmakers may be traumatized.
- (39) Sacrifice - That last line, though, poignant, was a little on-the-nose.
- (40) Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension - That Monsanto reference is gonna age well...
- (41) Run, Hide, Die - We're dancing in Five Across the Eyes territory, here...
- (42) Spirit in the Woods - Idiots get lost in the woods because they listened to the DUMBEST TOKEN CHARACTER in the history of film.
- (43) Kingdom Come - Oh, I get it. This is Hell...or at least Purgatory, but you won't just say so.
- (44) Embrace of the Vampire (2013) - ...is that it? A bunch of loosely-constructed excuses for sex scenes that don't really add to a story, and a limp climax. There's a sex joke here...
- (45) Dollface - These students are kinda being assholes by making this guy relive events from the time he almost got murdered.
- (46) Ava's Possessions - Will Sadler's appearance elevates this, even if only slightly.
- (47) Dementia - Somewhat age-specific, but I see what you're going for, movie.
- (48) Stung - My god, what did this movie do to you, Clifton Gonzalez Gonzalez Gonzalez...?
- (49) The Pack - Spay, neuter, and in this case...neutralize.
- (50) #Horror - Is the point of this to be aggressively obnoxious? Because it's succeeding...
- (51) The 2nd 2016 Presidential Debate - Some people actually think a racist rapist won this encounter by ignoring, disrespecting, and interrupting his opponent while not answering a single question, repeating talking points regardless of context, whining about imagined unfair treatment, and blaming others incessantly for a further imagined state of affairs. Now, that is terrifying.*
- (52) Zoombies - My first Asylum movie of the year. Was it good? Take a guess...
- (53) Night of the Wild - That's a ball of cheese...and meta-textual foreshadowing.
- (54) What We Become - All o' this because you just had to chase tail. Fuck you, Gustav.
- (55) Little Dead Rotting Hood - Marina Sirtis!? Just make more convention appearances. Anything is better than this.
- (56) Resurrection - ¡El poder de la alucinación! ¡Un momento...¿ORTEGA?
- (57) The Ouija Exorcism - The irony of shouting "RELEASE THIS BOY!!" while physically restraining him is kinda wonderful to me.
- (58) Sisters - That may be the most dramatic reveal of a scar ever.
- (59) Trace - Jarek IS dead, movie. So dead.
- (60) Zombie Decadence - A Billy Idol reference...in a movie released last year...This screenwriter must be old enough to be my dad's dad.
- (61) Holidays - Please don't be a...holiday-themed...ABC's of Death. Damnit.
- (62) The Hallow - I know these things are supposed to be gross or scary, I have chuckled every time they're on-screen.
- (63) Anguish - Sure, but how true were these events?
- (64) Pod - Those credits scream "We're gonna need a do-over" and it would've been helpful to tell your sister the details on the ride up. Just sayin'.
- (65) The Exorcism of Molly Hartley - Do most threesomes start with an interpretative dance portion? Asking for a friend.
- (66) Convergence - This soundtrack is old enough to vote.
- (67) Uncaged - #datknockoffMarvelopeningtho
- (68) Estranged - I know what you're all getting for Christmas...
- (69) The Abandoned - So, this where he ended up when he got stiffed on rent money by...Ventura...
- (70) Kill or Be Killed - The scariest thing so far are these accents.
Okay, so the Presidential Debate doesn't really count. But that shit-show was feature-length and then some. I deserve a little credit for getting through that slog. And sadly, it was more engaging than Trace.
So, I realize that these closers are pretty much a sounding board for the observations of tropes and trends in the genre that irk me. And among this batch, the movie that best exemplifies the trope I plan to address here is the one that doesn't even have an iMDB page...
Zombie movies are the most ubiquitous of low-budget movies for fairly obvious reasons. They're fairly cheap and easy to make while also being ever-present in pop culture to such an extent that there's always some appeal to being in a zombie movie to many people.
And while addressing the varied misguided attempts at social commentary in the sub-genre is a discussion that should be had at some point, my gripe is with something much lazier. Given the stamp on pop culture that the very idea of the zombie has, it strikes me as pretty dumb when characters in your movie don't know basic info on how zombies work.
Yes, a bite will definitely infect you. Even a scratch is a risk. No, they can't be choked or drowned. No, setting them on fire doesn't stop them. Blunt trauma to the head or severing the sp--Why am I even telling you this!? You know these things! Everyone does!! Especially anyone making a zombie movie!! And if you are making a zombie movie, then you know that your audience will know everything about zombies that you know. So, why insult us by presenting a cast of characters too dumb to know any of this? You could get away with that if this were 1968, but even by '78 it was pretty unreasonable to think that characters can't figure out pretty fast what they're dealing with and adjust accordingly. And that's a cardinal sin in the horror genre: Your characters can't be so aggressively dumb that it angers or annoys the audience.* And that's saying something in a genre whose narratives are often propelled by characters making transparently stupid decisions.
To make effective zombie fiction of any kind in the current market, you need to think and apply effort. Characters need to be smarter, and that means the scenarios that ultimately do them in need to be more involved. Whether you've got runners or walkers is irrelevant, and that you know exactly what I meant by those terms only further solidifies my point. Develop stronger characters who will make decisions that are both justified but potentially detrimental.
And if by any means you're thinking of including a character like this...
Fuck right off. Full stop.
Til next time...which will be very soon.
Honorable mentions: Deathgasm, Ava's Possessions, Stung, Sisters, and Pod
Aggressive Diarrhea on Your First Date: Spirit in the Woods, Embrace of the Vampire, Dollface, #Horror, Zoombies, Trace, Zombie Decadence, and Kill or Be Killed
*--According to the rules that I just made up.
So, I realize that these closers are pretty much a sounding board for the observations of tropes and trends in the genre that irk me. And among this batch, the movie that best exemplifies the trope I plan to address here is the one that doesn't even have an iMDB page...
 |
| I did NOT hallucinate this experience! It's on Hulu, I swear!! |
 |
| Can you shamble? Got a shirt you're willing to ruin? YOU'RE IN!!! |
Yes, a bite will definitely infect you. Even a scratch is a risk. No, they can't be choked or drowned. No, setting them on fire doesn't stop them. Blunt trauma to the head or severing the sp--Why am I even telling you this!? You know these things! Everyone does!! Especially anyone making a zombie movie!! And if you are making a zombie movie, then you know that your audience will know everything about zombies that you know. So, why insult us by presenting a cast of characters too dumb to know any of this? You could get away with that if this were 1968, but even by '78 it was pretty unreasonable to think that characters can't figure out pretty fast what they're dealing with and adjust accordingly. And that's a cardinal sin in the horror genre: Your characters can't be so aggressively dumb that it angers or annoys the audience.* And that's saying something in a genre whose narratives are often propelled by characters making transparently stupid decisions.
To make effective zombie fiction of any kind in the current market, you need to think and apply effort. Characters need to be smarter, and that means the scenarios that ultimately do them in need to be more involved. Whether you've got runners or walkers is irrelevant, and that you know exactly what I meant by those terms only further solidifies my point. Develop stronger characters who will make decisions that are both justified but potentially detrimental.
 |
| Kinda like these "idiots." Seriously, count the casualties in just THIS image. And they know what they're dealing with! |
Til next time...which will be very soon.
Honorable mentions: Deathgasm, Ava's Possessions, Stung, Sisters, and Pod
Aggressive Diarrhea on Your First Date: Spirit in the Woods, Embrace of the Vampire, Dollface, #Horror, Zoombies, Trace, Zombie Decadence, and Kill or Be Killed
*--According to the rules that I just made up.
No comments:
Post a Comment