Into the 3rd entry on this year's run, and I've made a decision. For the first time, I'm actually going to plan to stop at movie #105. When you reach a point where there are only about 5-10 movies on Netflix in the genre that you haven't seen, the time has come to reassess. That's exactly what I plan to do because my goal is usually to break my personal record each year. That's gonna get much harder with each passing year, and that means developing a strategy going forward. For now, I forge ahead with the usual rules.
- No Prior knowledge of the movie
- I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
- Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
- No David DeCoteau movies
Are there any gems left in my last 36 movies this year? Let's see what we find...
- (70) Goodnight Mommy - No loving parent would make their kid wear Crocs.
- (71) Home - Samantha Mumba, brief pop singer turned actress, plays Samantha Lee here. Heather Langenkamp plays Heather. Quite the stretch for everyone, clearly.
- (72) The Break-In - Found footage movies with a score are the dumbest.
- (73) Southbound - That ain't your sister, dude. You're, like, 58...
- (74) The Vatican Tapes - Did this first-person perspective just find a way to ogle a woman on the fly? Why, yes. Yes, it did.
- (75) Tusk - And I thought Human Centipede was stupid...
- (76) American Conjuring - Ripping off The Empire Strikes Back in a movie that's so blatantly a knock-off already isn't doing you any favors.
- (77) Insane - So, you record everything EXCEPT the "good" sex that you so totally had. "Based on true events."
- (78) Wasteland - Don't ever put me as a viewer that close to anyone's chapped lips!
- (79) Terrortory - Just because you met a woman eager to show off her augmented assets does NOT mean you should make a movie to feature the shitty knives you bought at a comic convention. Cease and desist.
- (80) The VVitch - Eww, that's not how you kiss a kid, lady!! Hold on...There's no good way to phrase that.
- (81) The Linda Vista Project - That lady was running away from a fart cloud...
- (82) Ouija Summoning - Your dad looks like Ted Cruz. No wonder you didn't wanna see him...
- (83) The Creepy Doll - This looks as bad as it sounds. What's funny is you don't know exactly how I mean that...
- (84) Scream at The Devil - So...witches then? No, dumber. Oh, there you are, Tony Todd!
- (85) Extraordinary Tales - Presentation counts for a LOT, but so does hearing Christopher Lee's voice again.
- (86) The Veil - I guess 38 years isn't too late to keep revisiting Jonestown...
- (87) Harbinger Down - Well, somebody saw The Thing. But you've taken the Cold War symbolism too literally here.
- (88) When Animals Dream - Zzzzzzzz...Oh! So, you're liven up now?
- (89) Night of the Living Deb - 2 minutes in, and I can already tell this movie NEEDS Ray Wise...
- (90) The Fury - Remember when psychics were considered scary? Apparently whatever Carrie had was contagious...
- (91) Scherzo Diabolico - Uhhh, gotta say that anger is largely misplaced...
- (92) Para Elisa - Never take a job from a hand-written flyer....
- (93) 1920: London - That is not at all how sex works.
- (94) Gifted - This is NOT how you handle life in between jobs...
- (95) The Woman in Black - You're actually at fault for all this then, Sam.
- (96) Haunting of the Innocent - "Uncork'd Entertainment?" Are you implying I'd need to knock back a few to get through this?
- (97) Treehouse - I like Crawford. That means he's gonna...Yep.
- (98) Slaughter - I've seen so many After Dark Films productions. I remember one of them. Vaguely. This one isn't it.
- (99) The Redwood Massacre - English Killbilly, this time. Oooh!! "Cockney Killbilly!!"
- (100) Juan of the Dead - Everyone should see this...just not on Crackle. Crackle is the drizzling shits.
- (101) Killer Legends - Damnit, I just cannot get away from The Town That Dreaded Sundown...
- (102) Under the Bed - I don't like using the tagline for Pieces for things that aren't Pieces, but..."It's exactly what you think it is."
- (103) The Crying Dead - Between the title, the misleading cover "art," and the production values, this is an undeniable shit-show. Also, probably not the best idea to call your actor an actor on camera if you're making a found footage movie.
- (104) No Tell Motel - Could you try to be a little more believable, dad? Your performance is so bad I'm started to think it killed your daughter...
- (105) The Brood - Every kid in that room except one is an accessory to murder!!
Less than 15 movies in this leg of the marathon, and I have another gripe with modern horror tropes. It's not directly correlating to the found-footage sub-genre, but there's plenty to be said about that another time. For now, I have one question...
Could...
...ANYONE...
...explain to me...
...this...
...BULLSHIT...
...trend!?
The fear of the unknown holds a significant power, and fear of the supernatural relies heavily on this. It's a combination of faith and dread of the possibilities that the afterlife may hold that aid the idea of the Ouija board being a legitimate conduit to "the other side." The only problem is there's no just reason to buy into that for the Ouija board. None at all.
Studies show that the way the game actually works is a temporarily shared mental phenomenon called "the ideomotor effect." The explanation on that is in the link, but the long and short of it is an answer to every accusation leveled during a Ouija "session." Yes, you were and yet you weren't. Everybody was, but that connects to my larger point:
Seriously, why would you have any faith in the correlation with the other-worldly when a Ouija board is mass-produced? Is the Parker Bros. Ouija more potent or the Milton Bradley? On no conceivable level does this hold up to scrutiny or skepticism, and most important of all...Every movie on the subject is lame as fuck. There's some hope for Origin of Evil, but that would still be the one exception to the rule. I don't know as I haven't seen it, but I have seen plenty of movies with "Ouija" in the title. Not one of them has amounted to anything more ambitious than a trite ghost or demon possession story featuring characters ranging for stupid to unlikable to stupid AND unlikable. Maybe the day will come when I can genuinely recommend a "Ouija" movie, but it is not this day...week...month...year.
Next year, a new challenge awaits. And I am definitely up for it...
A plan is forming.
The fear of the unknown holds a significant power, and fear of the supernatural relies heavily on this. It's a combination of faith and dread of the possibilities that the afterlife may hold that aid the idea of the Ouija board being a legitimate conduit to "the other side." The only problem is there's no just reason to buy into that for the Ouija board. None at all.
Studies show that the way the game actually works is a temporarily shared mental phenomenon called "the ideomotor effect." The explanation on that is in the link, but the long and short of it is an answer to every accusation leveled during a Ouija "session." Yes, you were and yet you weren't. Everybody was, but that connects to my larger point:
IT'S NOT REAL!!
Seriously, why would you have any faith in the correlation with the other-worldly when a Ouija board is mass-produced? Is the Parker Bros. Ouija more potent or the Milton Bradley? On no conceivable level does this hold up to scrutiny or skepticism, and most important of all...Every movie on the subject is lame as fuck. There's some hope for Origin of Evil, but that would still be the one exception to the rule. I don't know as I haven't seen it, but I have seen plenty of movies with "Ouija" in the title. Not one of them has amounted to anything more ambitious than a trite ghost or demon possession story featuring characters ranging for stupid to unlikable to stupid AND unlikable. Maybe the day will come when I can genuinely recommend a "Ouija" movie, but it is not this day...week...month...year.
 |
| And a special added "Fuck you!" to this series!! |
Honorable mentions: Goodnight Mommy, Extraordinary Tales, Juan of the Dead, Killer Legends, and The Brood
Brisket farts directly to the eyes: Insane, The Break-In, Tusk, Terrortory, The Creepy Doll (With a title this shitty, are you really surprised?),
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