Halloween Horror Marathon 2016: Stranger Things Will Have to Wait...

Getting started a little later than I would've hoped, but I've got a good reason!*

I'm here now though, and ready to put in that work. I'll keep the intro brief. You know why we're here. Here's the breakdown. Below are the horror movies I've watched this year for my annual marathon in October as well as a brief comment, thought, or micro-review. This year, I'll also conclude with the recommendations and condemnations from this batch of films.** The criteria is...

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• No David DeCoteau movies

No retreat, no surrender, no stops 'til November. Let's do this!

1. Jeruzalem - The movie actually slut-shames the protagonist, but it's cool. I didn't like her either.
2. 13 Cameras - And yet you couldn't muster up ONE ghost...
3. They Look Like People - There're worse ways to find out you've been fired. This sucks too though...
4. Invoked - Found-footage movies, just dump the premise of being someone's last-known photograph. And that's "Where are",,,
5. Hush - Did you just tap to a chokehold in a life or death struggle? I don't think the ref saw that...
6. Sweet Home - Don't ask ANY questions when there is a large man with an axe outside. I promise the answer is irrelevant.
7. The Girl in the Photographs - Swipes at American Apparel has gained you some favor, movie...*Some.*
8. Bleed - So this is what Luke Harper's been up to lately...
9. Necrofobia - Is this Garth Marenghi's Darkplace played straight...?
10. Most Likely to Die - I'm not sure if Perez Hilton is the stereotypical gay friend here or not...
11. The Dead Room - Is her face color-corrected?
12. The Secrets of Emily Blair - Why can't demonic possessions ever play it low-key? You're just making it harder for yourself...
13. Fairlane Road - Just...don't...with the CG animals...don't.
14. Visions - Maybe just consider adoption instead...?
15. Contracted: Phase II - The best hope I could ever have for anyone is that their memorial service is nothing like this one.
16. Condemned - How dating an idiot can cost lives...
17. The Amityville Horror (2005) - Yeah, none of this is true though...
18. The Chosen - And the award for Best Paternity Test BY FAR goes to...
19. We Are Still Here - Okay, so are we operating on Ju-On rules or...?
20. Darling - You, uhh...I guess you're gonna add that blood in post?
21. The Silenced - Language difference or no, mean girls are always the worst
22. The Presence - Don't drag your girlfriend along for a ghost hunting expedition. Just break up with her like a fucking adult.
23. Bound to Vengeance - Nearly 20 minutes for a title card...20.
24. The Uninvited - Hey, did you know James Franco had a role as villainous artist named, of all things, "Franco" on the ongoing series General Hospital? -- Things I find more interesting than this movie
25. Curve - I would've respected this movie if that guy started belting out Roxette.
26. They're Watching - Alex kinda sucks, so of course he's gonna survive...
27. III: The Ritual - Why do I feel like I'm not supposed to know what's going on...?
28. Hellions - The "evil kids/childbirth fears" trope is familiar, but when did "Rotted Mickey Mouse" become a thing?
29. Some Kind of Hate - This ghost is just a PMRC nightmare realized. I swear there's always one...
30. Fright Night 2 (2013) - Never stop your movie for a motion-comic segment. Don't. Just don't.
31. The Curse of Sleeping Beauty - That...That's not an ending. No sequel for you!
32. The Hollow - So, should we call this a "treemon?"
33. The Diabolical - Special effects by "Spontaneous?" That does not instill a sense of safety in your work environment...
34. Re-Kill - Somewhere between Starship Troopers and an episode of Cops, you'd find this movie.
35. The Ouija Experiment 2: Ouija Resurrection - Saying this movie is a cheap shit-show filled with loathsome, punchable characters would be dishonest.. But only because the previous movie was just as bad, so this statement should be applied to the "series." Fuck these movies.

Y'know, this year really isn't off to too bad a start. However, I've noticed a bit of a trend in characters that I find increasingly loathsome. I've somewhat routinely ended these entries with a broad critique, and this one is no different 'cause I've got something to get off my chest.

Incoming...

There has been a glut of poorly-written characters in horror movies for years, but the solution that bad writers have come up with to this problem is almost aggressive in its stupidity. The issue has constantly been that characters have lacked depth and weren't likable enough to make their loss matter to viewers. Some point to the popularity of the monsters and killers in the genre, and I'd say there some credibility to that. But the heart of this issue is whether the characters themselves come across like people that we know and can relate to. Too often they don't, but then too many writers seem to think that the way to correct this is to give them realistic flaws. Okay, fine. But do they have to be cheaters?

Can anyone explain this?

Look, I get it. Given the set-up for most slasher movies in particular, the easy way to create tension among characters who aren't the killer is to give them valid reasons not to trust one another. Infidelity will definitely do that, but then when has that ever mattered in the stories being told? The answer is NEVER. It doesn't matter, and it doesn't make it easier to relate to the characters. In fact, I find myself not just expecting them to but not caring at all when they die. Why the hell would I or anyone else, for that matter? One of the worst interpersonal things you can do to someone that isn't a full-fledged crime is to betray their trust, and cheating on your S.O. is a severe case of that. That conveys to the viewer that this person can't and shouldn't be trusted in a life-or-death situation, which is WHAT THE MOVIE THEY'RE CURRENTLY IN IS ABOUT.

We don't root for the asshole that drives off in the only working car leaving their friends in danger. And we don't applaud the people that cheat on their girlfriends, boyfriends, or spouses either. Because, as it turns out, it is shockingly easy to NOT fuck someone. Ask your high school self if you doubt me.

There. And the month has only started. Which, of course, mean so have I. Till next time

Honorable mentions: Hush, The Secrets of Emily Blair, Bound to Vengeance, The Silenced, and We Are Still Here

The septic tank: The Ouija Experiment 2: Ouija Resurrection, Fright Night 2, Curve, 13 Cameras, Jeruzalem, and Condemned

He's really forcing her to watch the ending of Jeruzalem on a loop. Heinous.

*--Seriously, why have you not watched this!? No, wait. You totally have.
**--These will be retroactively added to previous entries as well.