What was your plan, sir? -- Resident Evil Villains

It's been a while since I've taken the time to address the missteps of any villain's plans or actions, but revisiting material can bring things to new light. Hindsight is 20/20, after all, and that highlights a common thread among many a bad guy. Hence, this new approach to antagonist analysis...

What was your plan, sir?

Here, we'll take a look at the more absurd or embarrassingly stupid villainous plots and acts. And there is no better place to start than with these idiots...

No, I'm not gonna break down the many flaws of the Umbrella Corporation business plan. Cracked.com has already done a decent job of showcasing the degree to which this company's bottom line makes no sense. I'm looking at specific cases of idiocy. Like exhibit A over here...

Frigid and clinical researcher and amateur Jeremy Renner impersonator William Birkin was quite the asset to the Umbrella Corporation. As the chief scientist, he was responsible for the development of the G-Virus project...and also this...

That dog isn't on a leash! Who is responsible for this MADNESS!?!!?

A little bit of internal backbiting and corporate espionage led Dr. Birkin to inject himself with his creation amid a situation that could only be most eloquently described as a "shit-storm." Having been gunned down by a covert ops team hired by his rival, Will figured that the only way to protect his research and preserve his own life was to inject himself with the unstable compound that was based off of the preexisting T-Virus that turned most people that came in contact with it into zombies. So, how'd that work out for him?

Crossfit has different results for different people...

Why, yes. That is an eyeball in his shoulder. All the better to wince in pain from every movement with, of course. But that isn't so bad, right? He survived the attack, and he's back on his fe--

OH MY GOD!!! That's what happened to his face!? Who's gonna be Hawkeye at little Gina's party now!? The cosplay group is ruined...But this is just the tip of the iceberg on two separate levels. For starters, the mutation for William only gets worse. Yeah, his face clearly melted off and the rest of his body became a sanctuary of eyeballs and teeth. While it could be argued that he didn't know this would happen to him and "desperate times," that would be ignoring something pretty significant.

That's Annette Birkin, Billy's research partner and life partner. So that means that when he injected himself, there was someone nearby who was equally knowledgeable on the effects of the various compounds in that lab. More importantly, there was someone that could've properly administered the injection or injections who wasn't suffering from copious blood-loss. He just proved his rival to be the more intelligent man by that action alone. More on that later, but there's a theme building here...

Then there was that time he mouth-raped his 12-yr. old daughter, but I digress...*

Another moron to dabble in bio-terror ever-so briefly is this chalky gent!

He seems fun, right?

Other than looking like a lamprey with Eczema, Ramon Salazar had a pretty sweet life. Yeah, being about 3' tall wasn't doing him any favors. But he had a castle and inherited wealth long before he fell in with Osmund Saddler, who really wasn't much more than a snake-oil salesman. Don't laugh at his gullibility. Your grandmother tried to help that "Nigerian Prince," and you know it! My point is this poor misguided yout--Oh, he was 20!? Well, then he owns his actions a tad more than he would if he were as old as he looks. After all, he did allow himself to be injected with the "Las Plagas" parasite primarily to give himself power over others. But given how cushy his life already was, there was nothing to gain. Especially not from turning into this...

Your reaction or my excuse to use this image...I don't even know anymore.

So...let's assume that our buddy Ramon managed to kill Leon Kennedy (he doesn't). Was his intention to just become a wall fixture made of slime and lumps? What about the castle? What about the ability to walk and feed himself!? Was he expecting the remaining Ganado to feed and hose him down in shifts?

Then he's just as dimwitted as this guy...

Meet Ricardo Irving. Playboy, millionaire, former bio-terrorist. Only one of these descriptions is actually true. No self-respecting millionaire would wear those pants, right? Don't answer that. It doesn't matter since he's not one. He was a bio-terrorist. I say "was" not just because he wound up dead, but because he turned himself into this...

I know what you're thinking. "But what happened to those fresh gator-skin shoes!?" While the smart-ass answer would be some kinda jab implying that he became one with them, it's more along the lines of he burst out of them after injecting himself with...you guessed it...a volatile viral compound that typically turns people into...Well, I'll get into that later too. The point is there was no possible positive outcome to this decision. But why did he do it?

To avoid being arrested.

So, he wasn't even at risk of dying or severe injury. Nor was he brainwashed or excessively devout in any way. Irving was just stupid. Then again, look at who he worked for...

How fans of The Matrix  picture themselves

Remember that rival to William Birkin in Umbrella's research department I mentioned? Well, his name was Albert Wesker. And aside from dressing and carrying himself like someone overcompensating for having the name "Albert," he was the only person to stumble upon the magic cocktail of viruses to give himself superhuman abilities. I say stumble because there is no way he managed those results on purpose based on the things he created.

No, not him!

I'm referring to the Ouroboros viral compound that he created and intended to spread across the globe. And what did this concoction do to the average person exposed to it, you ask? You can guess by this point, can't you?

And by this point, you already know what had to happen next. Wesker, in the usual desperation that befalls guys like him, exposed himself to the virus in a last ditch effort to kill his pursuers. The results were...well...they weren't as bad as what happened to everyone else. But...

To say he doesn't look like he rolled in a pile of shrapnel and turds would be totally dishonest. And making matters worse is the fact that his life wasn't really threatened considering that the man could literally dodge bullets. Wesker did this for the sole purpose of killing a man that could punch boulders, sure, but was still weaker and slower than him. Speed was his major advantage, and he took it away from himself to become a wad of half-chewed Snausages with a big glowing weak spot. As a result, Albert Wesker is dead af. But let's again entertain the idea that he succeeded. What then? There didn't appear to be any means of reversing these effects. Was he intending on walking around looking like an anime schoolgirl's nightmare for the rest of his life? And here is where I hit upon the recurring theme...

What the hell were any of these morons gonna do next?

In each one of these cases and more, the transformation was nothing but a zero-sum gambit. Win or lose, their lives and aspirations were over because of the decision to turn themselves into a physically-mangled mess of a "killing machine." And the reasoning for mutating themselves may vary ever so slightly, but the results still stem from the same failing. Shortsightedness to the point of self-sabotage, every single one of them, and succeeding (or at the very least NOT dying painfully) was well within possibility.

What the point of no return looks like

Salazar could've just as easily escaped by leaving Leon Kennedy to deal with his other Verdugo. Killing one was a Herculean undertaking on its own! Okay, that's more of the 15x I died during that fight talking but you get my point! Irving could've made a plea deal. Wesker could've ran or legitimately punched his hand through Chris Redfield's chest! Birkin...was pretty well fucked, but screw him! His ineptitude single-handedly led to the leveling of a Midwestern town by way of a bomb drop. Not that any of these other guys were better, but somebody had to eat it here and it's fine with me if it's him. At any rate, even he could've come out of his situation better.

All it took was a little forethought as opposed to none at all. Here's a palette cleanser.

*--Resident Evil 2 is filled with some genuinely dark moments and revelations.