Halloween Horror Marathon: Once more...Into the Breach!!

It dawned on me recently that after 5 years in a row of marathon-ing several hundred horror movies, I haven't actually taken the time to parse through the load and point to the ones worth recommending. So as I sit through Scream 4 again (which would never be on any such list if I'm writing it), I'll also take a minute to look back on the years past for the best (or, let's be honest, passable/watchable) movies I experienced. Let's get underway, shall we?

1. The Sentinel - This was the first decent and creepy movie I saw, and I really can't think of anything bad to say about it.
2. The Fog (1980) - You could do A LOT worse, and that's why it gets a recommendation.
3. Prince of Darkness (John Carpenter) - A solid enough effort from Carpenter that's completely under the radar and worth a look for the uninitiated.
4. Graduation Day - Watch this for an appearance from a young Vanna White.
5. R.O.T.: Reunion of Terror - This movie gains a recommendation solely because of how fucking stupid it is...
6. Five Across the Eyes - This movie is an endurance test. Scratch that. It's THE endurance test! If you can make it to the end, you're ready for anything.
7. In The Mouth of Madness - Another little-known title from John Carpenter that deserves a viewing.
8. Trick 'r Treat - Far from flawless, it's still a valiant effort.
9. Hell Night - This movie introduced me to a new favorite slasher movie character in the proto-William Zabka form of "Seth." That guy made the movie for me.

   

   And ladies...what's left of him is single...
   

Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Jigsaw is Full of S#!%

Many things have been said about the Saw franchise over the years, but the one thing that's always been a problem for me is this simple fact:

Jigsaw is just a sanctimonious hypocrite of a shit-lord that should and could have been shot in the face in the first movie.

And that's the least of this series' litany of extremely convoluted issues. Does this cancer-riddled prick own an entire warehouse district? Are we really to believe that this half-dead douche and a couple of petty sociopaths were able to set up this many "traps" in advance? How the hell are ANY of these people managing to afford the equipment necessary to construct these traps? On whose salary? The cop!? Get the fuck outta here...

I had a sneaking suspicion that the Saw franchise might have had a more noticeable issue that applies to many movies in the horror genre, but memory of the middle block of the series was fuzzy at best. There's only one way to solve that problem...

1. (103) Saw II - Right outta the gate, you've got no justification for or feasible solution to the situation that this first guy has been placed in. Basic premise lost in the opening.
2. (104) Saw III - Well, I guess that makes the two guys from the first movie pretty stupid.

   

   "Refresh my memory: Am I appreciating life enough or is it these other guys?"

3. (105) Saw IV - Are we just gonna admit at this point that Jigsaw has access to the scripts? What's that in your hand, Tobin?
4. (106) Saw V - Jigsaw saying that "Killing is distasteful" has got to be the most hypocritical statement ever made.

   

   "'Killing is distasteful!?' Shit! How am I supposed to get outta this....?"

5. (107) Comforting Skin - Mmmmm, potatoes, huh?  Can I get mine with a side of passive aggression, honey!?
6. (108) Archivo 253 - Jeez, you just couldn't wait to ram that night-vision into our face...
7. (109) Let Us Prey - As if cops don't come off bad enough in this genre...
8. (110) The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death - "Stop being horrible!" shouted a little girl who seemed to be trying to warn me about what I was to see...
9. (111) Joyride 3: Roadkill - Meth-addled sex is the scariest thing in this.
10. (112) Tormented - Creepy Rabbits are magic...but first and foremost, creepy.
11. (113) Hollows Grove - You can't put Mykelti Williamson in the opening of your found footage movie! Then Lance Henriksen shows up later too!? *sigh*

    

    And no portion of your soundtrack should come from a band like this one.

12. (114) Skew - "I don't know, man. It's the same shit." Indeed it is...
13. (115) The House on Sorority Row - Any prank that involves a gun is probably not gonna be funny.
14. (116) Sorority Row - Can't decide if these movies hate Greek Life (which is fine by me) or just don't understand pranks...
15. (117) Wes Craven's New Nightmare - Stop hanging up on everybody, Heather! Damn...
16. (118) The Descent - Finally, a reason to not be mad at Lion's Gate!!
17. (119) Out of the Dark (1995) - Chinese ghost possession seems way more fun in general.
18. (120) Mulberry St. - Rat-faced zombies...
19. (121) The Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence - A franchise determined to disappear up its own ass.

    

    The only reaction Tom Six's desperate attempts to shock deserve.

20. (122) Neverlake - But...she didn't deserve that...
21. (123) Dust Devil - Like a vacuum...because it sucks.
22. (124) High Lane - I cannot believe this song is an element at play here...
23. (125) Infernal - This is going full-Cloverfield right away...Not the best sign, especially given that the writing has an undeniable misogynist bent.
24. (126) Paranormal Haunting: Curse of The Blue Moon Inn - The laziest found-footage movies don't offer explanations for how or why cameras are set up. This is the laziest.
25. (127) Haunted House: Demon Poltergeist Attack - This may confirm that Brits are the WORST at making found-footage movies. Unless this was supposed to be comedy. Then, top marks, mate!
26. (128) Find Me - Bursting out laughing at the opening scene is always the best sign...
27. (129) The Disembodied - Oh no...Not Full Moon!! And directed by Charles Band!? God.......damnit.
28. (130) The Gingerdead Man - Recording Gary Busey on a given weekend excursion is no different from this opening...

    

    The hell do you mean this got sequels....?

29. (131) Kristy - You don't even have to ask who hurt this writer...
30. (132) Evil - Budget didn't include actual fish, huh? This does not bode well....

So, the Saw series has a fairly common handicap found in horror franchises as suspected. The longer a series tends to last (or if a series is established at all in some cases), the more likely it is that the villain(s) of the series will take center stage. This is how Jason Vorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, and the like have become icons of the genre. The problem with this should be obvious though: Horror icons become parody because of this. Horror movies are about what happen to people. So, focusing on the characters doing the killing only reduces the effect of the film. You wanna create a true horror icon? Make a movie that effectively and legitimately scares viewers! No, not 90 minutes of watching unlikeable people sleep until a loud noise happens or you go the route of a screamer video on Youtube! Create a sense of dread! Build atmosphere! And for fuck's sake, STOP TRYING TO IDENTIFY WITH THE KILLER. YOU JACKASSES!!!!

*sigh*

Got that off my chest....

Ending on a bit of a whimper this year, but that's entirely the movie's fault. Well...that's not entirely true now that I think about it. After all, life really decided to be a major impediment to the viewing process. Power outages, internet signal drops, my Playstation dying, my TV dying, and THE BIGGEST FLOOD TO HIT THIS SECTION OF THE SOUTHEAST IN AGES!!!!!
Let's just say the marathon was an uphill battle this year. However, not totally discouraging. Even with every conceivable roadblock and impediment, we managed 132 movies. That's only 8 shy of last year, so setting a new record is possible even while working and juggling personal relationships. Besides, you don't watch The Gingerdead Man and call it quits on horror. It can't all be for nothing...

Til next year!

Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Does New World Pictures Even Exist Anymore...?

Everything in Hell is apparently dicks. I don't mean jerks, by the way. According to the Hellraiser movies, you won't find that dog that was mean to you that time in middle school. We're talkin' literal phalluses. Phalli? Phallossus? Did that sentence even make sense?

I hope not because that would make it that much more like the Hellraiser franchise. Very few horror franchises can or will leave you with the incomprehensible NEED to say at multiple points in time: "What in the fast-fuck is this convoluted nonsense!?*" And trust that there is a legitimate reason for that which speaks to a fundamental problem with the franchise. Specifically, that it shouldn't even be a franchise.

The movies themselves can inform you of that fact, but more on that later.

Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Sequelbatin'

Certain things are starting to stick out in the marathon this year. Found-footage still hasn't fully dissipated as a sub-genre yet, but then there's the litany of tropes as per usual. This isn't a bad thing, but what is? Desperate attempts to subvert tropes, that's what!

Rules are made to broken, as that particular cliche goes. This only becomes an issue when the desire to "shock" overtakes good storytelling. For the sake of remaining as "spoiler-free" as possible, I won't cite direct examples here. But the long and short of it is this: The attempt to surprise the viewer with every plot development or sequence only sets a tone which makes the viewer try to stay a step ahead of your story. We're not dumb, and we'll be right more often than you think.

Alright, the rules barely apply anymore. There's no point in reposting them. Let's Rock!

1. (35) The Blood Lands - Soccer hooligans are the worst...
2. (36) The Pact 2 - Just once, I want the frightened person running out of a house with a knife to stab the house.
3. (37) Devil's Backbone, Texas - You've just been ZAPPED!
   

Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Thank you, Wes...

Here we are at year 5 of this annual endurance test. That really crept up on me. Half a decade!

It's dawned on me that each time I make it publicly-known that I'm watching something for the marathon, there's always the question of why do this to myself. Not the marathon as a whole, but rather an individual movie. So, allow me to provide the only answer that ultimately makes any sense:

Because it exists and I haven't seen it.

That goes for pretty much everything I watch in October (DeCoteau can still go to hell though). The experience doesn't fully work if you discriminate, and you never know what may surprise you (except David DeCoteau--He'll never surprise you with anything other than a different branch of terrible). So, no matter how bad you might assume or already know the movie to be...I generally give it a shot if it fits these criteria:

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• No David DeCoteau movies

Then I write up a reaction, micro-review, or any given thought of what I saw. That's usually how this works...except this year. This time, I'm being a little more lax on the rules because we lost an icon of the genre.

Now, it doesn't seem to matter as much if I've seen certain movies. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) deserves a viewing, and there's no better way to kick things off than with...

Social Distortion

I have a problem with...well, a LOT of things if I'm being completely honest. It's hard not to find fault in the things around us seeing as we live in a considerably imperfect world. But this isn't gonna be a full article from me sounding off about those shorts you're wearing.

FFS, it's a DENIM DIAPER!!!

My gripe is with perceptions. As statements made on the outset of a larger comment go, I know that's pretty damn vague. I am fully aware that I have to explain, so don't worry. I'm definitely going to. First, I'll start with the "thesis," if you can even call it that.

Myths can be among the worst things to happen to culture and society at large.

That Morgan Freeman Clip Makes You Look Stupid

This is getting ridiculous. What am I saying? It always was, and it's getting worse. I'm burying the lede here, so let's just get right to it, huh?

Walter Scott.

By now, you and every other person you know have probably seen the video(s) that amount to the last moments of this man's life. I'm not gonna share it here, but not for that reason. There's a degree of dehumanization to the viewing and reviewing of the footage and footage like it. I'll try to explain that in detail as we go. But there's also the fact that we've seen ALL of this before in one form or another. Walter Scott isn't the first to have his murder caught on camera (or even the most recent), nor is he the first to posthumously be the center of a public debate over his death and events surrounding it. There are a LOT of horrid and saddening aspects to this story and others, but the most troubling or at least one of the most would have to be that nothing has changed.

An Open Letter About April Fool's Day

Dear April Fools,

Sorry for that moniker. I couldn't really think of anything that best catches EVERYONE that takes part in posting things on social media on the 1st of April. I can probably do much better, and that's why we're here. You can do better. You need to...like...a LOT better. In this modern age, everyone knows that it's April now thanks to their friends and family polluting the internet with millions of false claims. You know the ones...

"I'm pregnant!"

"I got engaged!"

"I lost my job..."

"I quit my job."

"I'm coming out of the closet!"

So on and so forth 'til the end of time. Now, some might tell you that these jokes are insensitive or disingenuous as if that's the key problem. That they take a "REAL" occurrence in life and makes them trivial. Let me be clear that this is not the problem. Not at all. The true problem is that you're passing off these "updates" of your monotonous and unadventurous life as "jokes."

Pictured here: Your daydreams

The thing about me is that I trivialize EVERYTHING. It's just a matter of execution that makes it work, and the lack of effort and ingenuity in your tweet or Facebook status is in the same league as stealing bits from Bill Hicks.

We're all onto you, you prick!

You wanna trick people into thinking you're pregnant? Go through a full gestation in 8 hours, then give birth to an alien baby in front of your dearest friends. Bonus points to you if you can pull off a Chest-burster.

"You're still gonna name it after me, right...?"

Lost your job? Announce that you're going off the grid and selling your car to save money, then leave a trail of breadcrumbs for your friends and family to follow to a local shelter. There they'll find you with 3 missing teeth, one shoe, and a certificate declaring our completion of a rehab program for the heroine addiction that cost you that job in the first place.

Engaged, huh? Tell you best friend that your fiancee wants to get married in 12 hours, and have him or her help you cobble together an epic wedding in less than a day. Then when midnight hits, say "I was just fuckin' with ya'" and buy each other your favorite drinks.

GO THE EXTRA MILE!!!!

But if the best you can do is a tweet or a status update, then keep that embarrassingly basic bullshit to yourself.

Signed sincerely,

Comedy