An Open Letter About April Fool's Day

Dear April Fools,

Sorry for that moniker. I couldn't really think of anything that best catches EVERYONE that takes part in posting things on social media on the 1st of April. I can probably do much better, and that's why we're here. You can do better. You need to...like...a LOT better. In this modern age, everyone knows that it's April now thanks to their friends and family polluting the internet with millions of false claims. You know the ones...

"I'm pregnant!"

"I got engaged!"

"I lost my job..."

"I quit my job."

"I'm coming out of the closet!"

So on and so forth 'til the end of time. Now, some might tell you that these jokes are insensitive or disingenuous as if that's the key problem. That they take a "REAL" occurrence in life and makes them trivial. Let me be clear that this is not the problem. Not at all. The true problem is that you're passing off these "updates" of your monotonous and unadventurous life as "jokes."

Pictured here: Your daydreams

The thing about me is that I trivialize EVERYTHING. It's just a matter of execution that makes it work, and the lack of effort and ingenuity in your tweet or Facebook status is in the same league as stealing bits from Bill Hicks.

We're all onto you, you prick!

You wanna trick people into thinking you're pregnant? Go through a full gestation in 8 hours, then give birth to an alien baby in front of your dearest friends. Bonus points to you if you can pull off a Chest-burster.

"You're still gonna name it after me, right...?"

Lost your job? Announce that you're going off the grid and selling your car to save money, then leave a trail of breadcrumbs for your friends and family to follow to a local shelter. There they'll find you with 3 missing teeth, one shoe, and a certificate declaring our completion of a rehab program for the heroine addiction that cost you that job in the first place.

Engaged, huh? Tell you best friend that your fiancee wants to get married in 12 hours, and have him or her help you cobble together an epic wedding in less than a day. Then when midnight hits, say "I was just fuckin' with ya'" and buy each other your favorite drinks.

GO THE EXTRA MILE!!!!

But if the best you can do is a tweet or a status update, then keep that embarrassingly basic bullshit to yourself.

Signed sincerely,

Comedy