Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Does New World Pictures Even Exist Anymore...?

Everything in Hell is apparently dicks. I don't mean jerks, by the way. According to the Hellraiser movies, you won't find that dog that was mean to you that time in middle school. We're talkin' literal phalluses. Phalli? Phallossus? Did that sentence even make sense?

I hope not because that would make it that much more like the Hellraiser franchise. Very few horror franchises can or will leave you with the incomprehensible NEED to say at multiple points in time: "What in the fast-fuck is this convoluted nonsense!?*" And trust that there is a legitimate reason for that which speaks to a fundamental problem with the franchise. Specifically, that it shouldn't even be a franchise.

The movies themselves can inform you of that fact, but more on that later.

1. (69) Hellbound: Hellraiser II - The irony of this number placement is not lost on me...
2. (70) Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth - This is so agressively 90's that I can't help but hate it. Thankfully, the movie sucks so it's justified.
3. (71) Hellraiser: Bloodline - There's some shark-jumpin' goin' on here...
4. (72) Hellraiser: Inferno - You found the one hooker on the planet that won't take her top off. How do you even do that?

   

   Even Pinhead is disappointed. #madshade

5. (73) Hellraiser: Hellseeker - Even Kirsty wanted out at this point...
6. (74) Hellraiser: Deader - Doug Bradley's just lookin' fatter, older, and sadder with each installment. These scripts aged him more than life ever could.
7. (75) Hellraiser: Hellworld - Meta-textual bullshit and Lance Henriksen must've been the straw that broke Doug Bradley's back...
8. (76) Hellraiser: Revelations - Shot at a producer's house...obviously.
9. (77) Teeth - This is totally self-aware...and 10 minutes in, and Brad has yet to wear a shirt!
10. (78) Darkness Falls - These feckin' kids...I'm convinced that Lemony Snicket's was the exception to the rule of Emily Browning's career: "If she's in it, it's likely awful."
11. (79) Kidnapped - Alright....which one of the movers is behind this?
12. (80) Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead - Wrong, movie. That's not a cliche. That's a lame, kitschy gimmick.
13. (81) The Prophecy II - More people should hit Russell Wong with cars, and they would if they saw Black Sash...

    

    You don't remember this show. You have my undying envy.

14. (82) Djinn - Haunting or no, you should totally leave him, lady.
15. (83) Last Phases - Yep, that's Ginger! And I always thought Gilligan would the death of you...
16. (84) The Snowtown Murders - WHERE THE FECK ARE YOUR PANTS!?
17. (85) Zombeavers - How is this sub-Sharknado...?
18. (86) Dracula III: Legacy - A warrior priest versus vampires led by Dracula as played by Rutger Hauer in a movie co-starring Roy Scheider...and 
19. (87) The House at the End of Time - Piss-filled balloons is the point at which I might consider hitting a kid...
20. (88) The Vampire's Coffin - When you really think about it...vampires were always lame.
21. (89) Random Acts of Violence - Ugh...He's killing everyone but the people who should die the most!!
22. (90) Night Breed: Director's Cut - You know your nightmares are rough when they're not as scary as being in Hellraiser V...**
23. (91) Kill Zombie! - I already HATE your brother, and would punch him in the throat on sight. It's been 5 minutes...
24. (92) Bad Milo! - Always a pleasure to see you, Peter...

    

    You, sir, are a gem.

25. (93) Da Sweet Blood of Jesus - And we have Spike Lee to thank for the pretentious entry into the marathon...
26. (94) Robin Hood: The Ghost of Sherwood - You would never assume the acting in a Robin Hood movie could be this bad. You would assume wrong.***
27. (95) The ABCs of Death 2 - "P-p-p-p-scary" does not count as a valid entry for the letter "p," you lazy jerks.
28. (96) 7 Below - You don't wanna be in the same house as Ving Rhames during a blackout either...
29. (97) Altar - The massage would possibly get a pass from some women, but you went full creep with the shower, dude.
30. (98) Dead of the Nite - Stop it, Tony. Just stop it. Stop signing on for movies where you're the most component actor. It doesn't make you look better. It makes EVERYONE look worse.
31. (99) Borderland - This will slip your mind in 15 minutes or less. That's a promise. Did the presence of Rider Strong or Sean Astin help in the slightest?
    
32. (100) Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones - You were about to get Raw-dog'd by a high school grad in the abandoned apartment of a murdered cultist. Rethink your life choices.
33. (101) Cockneys vs. Zombies - Honor Blackman still droppin' f-bombs like a champ at 87.
34. (102) Leprechaun Origins - Why call this "Leprechaun" at all? That's just a generic monster.

Now that there's a bit of separation between the last viewing of a Hellraiser movie and now, we can make an assessment or two.

First, some trivia. Despite there being 8 (Yes, you read that correctly. You can scroll back up and check) sequels in the Hellraiser series, only 4 were actually originally meant to be Hellraiser movies. Half of this plague-addled rat corpse passing for a franchise was culled from middling spec scripts that were retroactively reformed to make them a part of the Hellraiser series. The sad fact is that things started to lose momentum well before the spec scripts started rolling in. Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth....is steaming garbage. That's only the second sequel, and things only got progressively worse with each entry. By the time we reached the 5th installment, we were dealing with movies that can only honestly tout a cameo appearance credit from Doug Bradley in them. Each of the entries that were originally scripts for different movies are pretty transparent in that fact. It feels as though the presence of Cenobites, the box, or Pinhead are completely obligatory. And let's face it: it absolutely was but that is not to say that the material would be elevated at all without the attachment to Hellraiser. Quite the opposite. These scripts were shit-tier, and making them into Hellraiser movies was seen as the only means of saving them. Part 6, Hellseeker, attempts to wrap up the story of the first films' protagonist. The problem is Ashley Laurence is barely in the movie despite it ultimately being her character's story. So, the whole affair feels like an actress' bid to disassociate from the series like a teenage girl who doesn't wanna be seen with her dad in public.

Yes, Hellraiser is the "cool dad" of horror films.

As for the most recent installment, Hellraiser: Revelations (the subtitle that guarantees that nothing revelatory will take place), there is plenty that could be said of that.

*--Rivaled only by the meta-bugfuckery that is the Sleepaway Camp franchise.

**--Clive Barker must've just said "Let's just film every concept art piece I left out of Hellraiser."

***--This is Robin Hood as performed by recently-fired day players from a Medieval Times.