It's dawned on me that each time I make it publicly-known that I'm watching something for the marathon, there's always the question of why do this to myself. Not the marathon as a whole, but rather an individual movie. So, allow me to provide the only answer that ultimately makes any sense:
Because it exists and I haven't seen it.
That goes for pretty much everything I watch in October (DeCoteau can still go to hell though). The experience doesn't fully work if you discriminate, and you never know what may surprise you (except David DeCoteau--He'll never surprise you with anything other than a different branch of terrible). So, no matter how bad you might assume or already know the movie to be...I generally give it a shot if it fits these criteria:
- No Prior knowledge of the movie
- I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
- Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
- No David DeCoteau movies
Then I write up a reaction, micro-review, or any given thought of what I saw. That's usually how this works...except this year. This time, I'm being a little more lax on the rules because we lost an icon of the genre.
Now, it doesn't seem to matter as much if I've seen certain movies. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) deserves a viewing, and there's no better way to kick things off than with...
- A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) - The parallels between this and the first Scream become REALLY noticeable right outta the gate. Right down to the bargain-bin Johnny Depp! Wes Craven was some kinda genius...
- The Town that Dreaded Sundown (2014) - You're starting out with a lie, movie. None of this happened, you lying liar. And your killer? You lied about that too.
- Area 51 - FOUND-FOOTAGE!! Okay, here's the other very obvious problem with this sub-genre: Lamp-shading. You know the outcome, and your judgment of every action taken by the characters naturally becomes more harsh than it needs to be because we KNOW they could've saved themselves at any turn.*
- A Dead Calling - Not a good sign when your closed captioning can't tell what the hell your actors just said either...
- The Brainiac (aka Baron del Terror) - This movie has 2 Magdas in it. They are not fucking around, people!!! Especially in recycling this familiar plot...
- Exeter - You fuck-ups killed Stephen Lang!! You deserve whatever fate befalls you...**
- Twixt - Throwing nonsense at me doesn't scare me. It just makes me more aware of the nonsense.
- The Ouija Experiment - Already watched two movies that treat Ouija boards like their, so let's see how much worse this one can b--Oh, wow...
- Bloody April Fools (Los Inocentes) - Y'know, if you use a girl to be a placeholder for the girl you *really* like...you're still an asshole.
- Almost Mercy - I guess it was only a matter of time before we saw Kane Hodder this year...
- From the Dark - That the most undersold severing of a finger I think I've ever seen...
- Dark Summer - STORMARE!!!!
- A Nightmare on Elm Street pt. 2: Freddy's Revenge - Technically, this movie added nothing to the franchise but the name "Freddy" as preferred nomenclature.
- Mercy - Nice to see Gmork from The Neverending Story still workin'...
"I go by 'Death Wolf" these days."
Whatevs... - Inner Demons - Damnit...more found-footage fare...This movie does have a bargain-Bradley Cooper though!
- Creep - This is the logical conclusion of a "Cable Guy" scenario, isn't it...? Except that response. The hell are you thinkin'!?
- Hayride 2 - A sequel to a slasher movie largely set in a hospital about a mythologized psycho in a small town that reveals familial links to a tragic past? This is a twangy Halloween II.
- Blood Freak - Ask me and I can summarize the plot in under 3 minutes...because most of it is nonsense.
- Animal - Why couldn't you be about the W.A.S.P song...?
- The Babadook - I've heard "You're nothing" as a defense against a monster 3 times now. 2 outta 3 ain't bad.
- Dark Skies - STOP THROWING BIRDS AT OUR HOUSE!!!
- The Houses October Built - Another found-footage movie where I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...
- At The Devil's Door - That kid is throwin' mad shade...
- The Haunting of Amelia - How could this NOT have been shot in the 90's? Look at it!!
- Curse of Chucky - Effort was made to tie things together, and that's respectable.
- Dark Was The Night - We finally see the monster, and....yeah...
- Pernicious - You'll find yourself asking "Which one is supposed to be the smart one?" a lot. You'll find no answer.
- The Mirror - It's been over an hour, so...an explanation would be nice.
- The Nightmare - Why is Rodney Ascher not directing narrative-driven horror film?
- Would You Rather - Why would anyone do this to Crabman!?
- Out of the Dark - Wait...was that an extended daycare commercial...?
- Darkness - Okay, so...is it still "Saturday" or not, movie?
- The Beast of Xmoor - Add "We should never have come back here" to the list of commonly-used sentences that no one listens to but should.***
- Mockingbird - I need you guys to not be so tragically stupid at every turn....
This is long overdue...
Alright, Found-footage...First-person...whatever it is you wanna go by, we really need to talk about your many problems. I mentioned the whole lamp-shading thing before, and that's still an issue, but there are other things about you as a sub-genre that are flat-out inexcusable. For starters, you take this whole "plot-convenient stupidity" thing WAYYYY too far. The major draw to your form of presentation is the low production costs, yes, but also the implied tether to realism despite the nature of the events. People didn't sell out theaters to see The Blair Witch Project because it was good. They went under the pretense that this was a story closer to reality than the average movie. This style of film-making lends itself very readily to the suspension of disbelief, but you are pushing it with your near-constant laziness. Why would ANY movie that's supposed to be "found footage" have a musical score or cuts to an additional camera that was never established? Does there always have to be an insufferable asshole in your cast of characters? And to my initial point, how can you expect us to buy into the story when the characters act and react in unrealistically stupid ways just for the sake of the plot? You need to fix this. Get good.
*sigh* There...Got that outta the system. Til next time...
Alright, Found-footage...First-person...whatever it is you wanna go by, we really need to talk about your many problems. I mentioned the whole lamp-shading thing before, and that's still an issue, but there are other things about you as a sub-genre that are flat-out inexcusable. For starters, you take this whole "plot-convenient stupidity" thing WAYYYY too far. The major draw to your form of presentation is the low production costs, yes, but also the implied tether to realism despite the nature of the events. People didn't sell out theaters to see The Blair Witch Project because it was good. They went under the pretense that this was a story closer to reality than the average movie. This style of film-making lends itself very readily to the suspension of disbelief, but you are pushing it with your near-constant laziness. Why would ANY movie that's supposed to be "found footage" have a musical score or cuts to an additional camera that was never established? Does there always have to be an insufferable asshole in your cast of characters? And to my initial point, how can you expect us to buy into the story when the characters act and react in unrealistically stupid ways just for the sake of the plot? You need to fix this. Get good.
*sigh* There...Got that outta the system. Til next time...
*--If your curiosity overtakes the basic urge for self-preservation, then you're an idiot. Remember that when watching this.
**--"Light as a Feather; Stiff as a Board" doesn't count as a ritual...
***-- You just said "I'm Georgia. I'm from America" to a Romanian girl. That has to be a little jarring.
***-- You just said "I'm Georgia. I'm from America" to a Romanian girl. That has to be a little jarring.
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