If I keep this up, I think I'm gonna start titling each one of these blogs a cliched line from the horror genre that needs to never be written or uttered again. I cannot tell you the number of times I've heard a marginally talented actress pose that same question to some husky dude in overalls, flannel, or a jumpsuit. It's kind of a pet peeve now because one thing I know for sure is that there is no worthwhile answer to that question in the first place (nevermind the fact that it rarely even gets a response - making the exchange pointless). A window into the mind of the monster ruins the mystique, and the unknown is what fuels horror. And if Rob Zombie understood that, his movies wouldn't suck. I'm getting sidetracked...
The month of October continues, and so too does the marathon. For this round, I'm gonna pack in as many movies as I can find on Netflix alone with the word "zombie" in the title. I'm betting I'll hit at least 20, but there's only one way to find out. In any case, the same rules apply...
- No Prior knowledge of the movie
- No investigation into the movie
- I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
- Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
- And no David DeCoteau movies!
Let's get started. I've got a lot of arguments in bunkers/basements to get through...
- (35) Zombies of Mass Destruction - If your political statements were as strong as your gore, you'd be doing better than George Romero at this point. He's been losing his touch. Too bad it's not...but this is still oddly awesome in parts.
- (36) 2012: Zombie Apocalypse - Crabman!? And a zombie tiger...Shit just got real stupid.
- (37) Zombiethon - "20 EXCLUSIVE HITS BY THE ORIGINAL ARTISTS!!!!" Let's be honest though. This has less to do with zombies, and more to do with putting together a clipshow of Italian tits. That's not a judgment, but an observation...
- (38) American Zombie - Was this made in tangent with Dylan Dog...?
- (39) Zombie Town - Don't let me down, Zombie Town... -- If you get this joke, then you know I'm goin' to hell for it...And you kinda did, Zombie Town. Not completely, but still...
- (40) The Zombie Farm - Am I watching the right movie? 'Cause it's been 30 minutes, and I have yet to see any monsters aside from an abusive husband...ohh, spoke too soon.
- (41) King of the Zombies - Juxtapose the portrayal of black men in this movie with any given Tyler Perry movie, and see just how far we haven't come...
- (42) Oasis of the Zombies - Had this ruined for me by Zombiethon for the most part. Can definitely see why this was reduced to clips though.*
- (43) Valley of the Zombies - Ever see a movie that captures nearly every conceivable cliche of its time? Say what you will about Plan 9, at least it's fun!
- (44) The Zombie Apocalypse - I'm starting to notice that poorly filmed zombie attacks look a lot like terrible sex. And that most modern film-makers that make zombie movies have embarrassingly self-indulgent fantasies of being "bad-asses" during an apocalypse...I'm not sure which is worse. No, no. The wannabe bad-ass thing is worse.
- (45) Aaah! Zombies!! - Ha-ha! I get it!
- (46) Zombies Zombies Zombies - Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!
- (47) Zombie Women of Satan - None of these characters are gonna have real names, are they...? And the number of pasty, topless English women in this movie tells me precisely why this was made...Also, Thor should lay off the sausages.
- (48) ZA: Zombies Anonymous - There seems to be a connection between low-budget zombie movies and completely misguided attempts at social commentary. That, and/or sexism but this movie tries to take on a different -ism. Man, does it fail...
- (49) Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies - It's really the inclusion of John Wilkes Booth on the team of zombie-hunters that truly bothers me...Yes, even more than Kid Roosevelt.
- (50) Messsages Deleted - I should've bailed the instant I saw Lillard's face knowing this wasn't SLC Punk...Utterly predictable. Laughably stupid.
- (51) A Darker Reality - The worst part of torture porn might just be the extent to which it limits actresses..."Gretchen, in this scene you're cold, frightened, and wounded. So, I need you to shiver and whimper alternately. If you could cry, that would be great!"
- (52) Slaughter Night - I've got a sneaking suspicion that the people responsible for the My Bloody Valentine remake might've seen this...call it a hunch.
- (53) Burnt Offerings - See, this is what most of the movies I've seen have been missing: CHARACTERS!!
- (54) Occupant - Or, "The Importance of Being Social by Oscar Milde."
- (55) Paranormal Activity 3 - Katie's mom was kinda hot...
- (56) ATM - This mostly seems avoidable. And your ending reveal? I don't care...
- (57) The Corridor - Fuck, this is Dreamcatcher without the best weirdness...If there's nobody talking into a gun in this movie, what's the point?
- (58) Mum and Dad - Oh, shit. It's my dad...
- (59) Black Rat - Every other Japanese film-maker in horror usually does a standard ghost story. You made a revenge slasher. Kenta Fukasaku, you REALLY are your father's son...
- (60) Night of the Hunted - Wow, that was really French...
- (61) Absentia - Nice little slow burn you got there, movie...
- (62) Cornered - Steve Guttenberg!?!? I'M IN!!
- (63) Exit Humanity - Civil War-era zombies...I thought I was done with this shit! But, damnit, I can't hate you. Steve McHattie's here...
- (64) Bay of Blood - His hatred of potted plants was only outmatched by his love of MURDER!!! That might be one of the most ridiculous endings I've seen this year...Thank you for that, Mr. Bava!
- (65) The Final - 3 minutes in, and you just hit me with most obvious foreshadowing imaginable. Learn to pull your punches, movie. Sadly, all that foreshadowed was all of the none-too-clever dialog to come.
- (66) Deadgirl - Got a lady chained? Des-peration!**
- (67) Ghost Month - Wow, this really is failing...This is all coming across as incredibly xenophobic, but above all else, shockingly inept in execution. And where do you get the balls to put film festival accolades for your movie in the credits? Are you trying to convince me that this was good, 'cause let me tell ya'...
- (68) Frogs - Why? Why the fuck did I do this?
 |
| "What're ya' thinkin' about, Sam?" "Just shuttin' out any memory of my involvement in this..." |
So, there were only 15 movies with "Zombie" in the title that I hadn't seen. Thank god, really. I would've had to watch Zombie Nation for #16...Not to say that things I watched this year were much better. Exit Humanity and Deadgirl did a little to redeem the sub-genre as it turns out, but I won't watch another one if I can help it this year 'cause fuck, was that a lot of terrible. Overall, beating last year's record is not looking likely at all. Nevertheless, the enlightenment/suffering continues...
*- I fell asleep trying to watch this 5x in ONE DAY!
**- Yes, that was to the tune of the Operation commercials...
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