It's that time o' year again, and by comparison I'm actually behind by a few days. Nonetheless, let the horror movie marathon begin!!! Last go'round, I made it to 107 movies in a single month. This year, I hope to exceed that number but I'm not deluded. I know what that entails, so clearly my lowered standards are about to make a "triumphant" return. The rules are as simple as ever...
- No Prior knowledge of the movie
- No investigation into the movie
- I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
- And finally...Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
This year, I have only ONE additional rule...
- No David DeCoteau movies...Don't ask. If you don't know, just don't...
What will follow are immediate responses, overviews, and/or mini reviews of the movies I watch for the purpose of keeping track of things as well as expressing my feelings on what I just saw as succinctly as possible. With that said, here...we...go!
- I Spit on Your Grave - Judging by the upkeep, there's no question about what decade this is, is there ma'am? That said, those pricks really had it coming...legit reaction: "Well, that's all of 'em. Credits...? Nailed it."
- Vile - Annnnd right into the low grade material. Wait a minute!! Is that Greg Cipes? And Maynard James Keenan!? So there is a movie in existence that co-stars the lead singer of Tool/A Perfect Circle and the voice of Beast Boy from Teen Titans. Tell me again how the world isn't absurd...
- Dread - After Dark Films? Aww, fuck...You're 0 for 3, Jackson Rathbone...
- The Dead Undead - VERNON FUCKING WELLS!!! ...couldn't save this movie. I'd tell you the main plot point, but you'd be convinced that I'm fucking with you...just know that it involves "zombie vampires."
- The Traveler - Val Kilmer looks horrible...like if Madmartigan ate Willow...and somehow gained his powers.
- Three...Extremes II - The follow-up to the Asian horror anthology I watched last year. Bored the crap outta me...
- Apartment 143 - The first found-footage movie of this run!! It's a Paranormal Activity knock-off, of course...with a budget for set destruction though. And, of course, the obligatory ending jump scare. NEXT!!!
- Penumbra - Spanish horror has yet to let me down...until now. It's like Rosemary's Baby without a baby...or a point.
- The Innkeepers - Ti West is ALL ABOUT the slow burn. That is both really refreshing, and frustrating as hell. But when it gets where it's going, it's worth it...
- Jack's Back - 17 minutes in, and I've already spotted the killer. That, or the most GLARING red herring ever commited to celluloid (to my knowledge). Just wait for the part when Spader's looking at a picture, and the "killer's" pulling a Costanza. Welp, guess I gave away that secret...
- Bread Crumbs - A killbilly movie that takes 30 MINUTES to even approach a plot. I am disappoint.
- The Unborn (1991) - Is that Kathy Griffin? IS THAT LISA KUDROW!?!? The 90's NBC line-up is invading my marathon...This one's like Rosemary's Baby too. Except without Devil-rape or even the slightest sign of knowledge of human development.
- Abduction (2009) - I would've been better off watching the Taylor Lautner movie. And that's the last time you will ever see someone type or utter that sentence...This is Lynch Mob all over again...
- The Butcher - 2 minutes in, and we've got a stuffed animal used as a prop for roadkill and a seemingly mandatory dudebro character. I'm in for a treat...
- Snakes on a Train - I've put this off long enough...I'm kinda speechless. Truth. In. Advertising!!!
- Yoga - That...Wh--...I...I recommend this?
- The Woman - Taking on gender politics, are we, movie? And not with a particularly subtle approach...
- Ju-On: White Ghost, Black Ghost - Why does the "white" ghost get to go first!? Racist...Seriously though, I'm pretty sure this is a TV special...
- Giallo - According to Argento, no model or dancer will ever be safe. But when you've got a killer that looks like a roadie for Loverboy roaming the streets, who really is...?
- Gangs of the Dead - What's the marathon without a little ethnic shame...? Okay, if you're in the midst of a zombie apocalypse and you're locked in an argument over who in your gang is the snitch, your priorities are fucked and I can't wait for you to die. Quote of the week, though: "Snake Dog's gone!"
- Bloody Reunion - Okay, that's the 2nd Asian man I've seen hang himself today...Perfect tagline for this though: "And what have we learned...?"
- Cinderella - There really is no shortage of Korean movies on Netflix, is there? And again with the hanging!?! Goddamnit...
- Baby Shower - C'mon, Spanish horror...Don't let me down...Thank you. That's all I ask.
- 13 B - If it's "Engrish" when Japanese people interject English words into their speech, what is it called when Indian people do it...? And why is that book cover blurred in a--Ohhhhh!
- A Horrible Way to Die - This seems like a perfectly innocuous, even forgettable movi--Wait! Did I really just hear a character in this movie say "nigger president?" What offends me most is the fact that this was the movie's attempt at being relevant...and nothing's happened yet at the 50 minute mark.
- Simon Says - I do NOT have a good track record with movies that have this title, and that record remains intact thanks to Greg Cipes! And, sadly, Crispin Glover...
- 13Teen - This title is giving me Group X flashbacks...Not nearly as lighthearted or fun though. Not as competent either, and I know what I'm saying when I say that...
- The New Daughter - "Oh! Before we forget: MONSTERS!!!"
- The Caller - Where the hell did you even find a rotary phone in 2011 in the first place!?
- The Relic - A heroic Tom Sizemore? You know this is fiction...This movie's got a respectable amount of table-flippin' though. Let me tell ya'...
- Outcast - Don't name your kid "Fergal."
- The Reeds - British ghost story; not too bad.
- Atrocious - What if [REC] had Paranormal Activity's pace...? Wait, no. Make that Blair Witch...I can say that the reveal is a little better.
- Wake Wood - Wanna talk about a real "Horrible Way to Die?" Try crushed by cow ass against a gate...
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| Courage = Summoned |
The journey's only just begun, and I haven't even watched a single movie with the word "zombie" in the title. Something tells me I can easily fix that...'til the next one!
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