Halloween Horror Marathon 2011: "You guys...This isn't funny."

*Note*-- As a lead-in to my annual October marathon this year, I am re-presenting my "journey" up to this point as I hunt for as many horror movies I can watch in a single month for the 4th consecutive year...

So, at some point in the middle of Maniac!, I stared deep into the craggy face of Joe Spinell and a thought flashed into my head. Can I watch 100 horror movies in one month? I think the answer is "yes." This is a completely reachable goal with the stipulations I've already set for myself...

• No prior knowledge
• No investigation into a title
• Never seen it, or haven't seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the movie's opening credits start (or the equivalent amount of time), there is no turning back...

Obviously, standards of selection just took a punch in the dick. I haven't found the movie to break me yet, but the month isn't over yet...

1. (34)The Last Exorcism - Found footage can't have a score, asshole!
2. (35)Train - Hostel knock-off. But on a train! Next!
3. (36)Altered - Not great, but not terrible. Watching this on a Saturday afternoon when you've got nothing else to do will greatly enhance the experience.
4. (37)The Burning - It's always fun to see a forgotten slasher from the '80's. Even BETTER when it has a well-quaffed Jason Alexander and a rape-y Fisher Stevens gettin' it to the jugular...

   

   THIS is how you frame an iconic image, makers of Hatchet...
5. (38)Maniac! - I made it through a movie that Gene Siskel walked out on after 30 minutes! Bragging rights!!*
6. (39)Creep - Crap. Much more fitting title...
7. (40)Troll Hunter - Easily the best movie I've seen all month (until I saw A Town Called Panic and Fish Story--this has been a great month!). This is how you make a found footage movie. Take notes, Cloverfield, Paranormal Activity, and The Last Exorcism. Class is in session.
8. (41)Death Row - How the hell does this even exist!? No one puts Joe Estevez OR Todd Bridges in ANYTHING, and this just makes the case for why that should continue...
9. (42)The Awakening - A demonic possession plot that's about as stupid as it is boring and amateurish.
10. (43)Nine Dead - Clarissa kills them all. Not nearly as appealing you might think that sounds...
11. (44)The Lost Boys: The Thirst - Lets face facts: This movie sucks. But it is entertaining and hilarious, especially as an attempted commentary on Twilight...No, really.
12. (45)Hell Week - If you're making a horror film (or ANY film really), at least TRY to understand story structure and character. Killing off your college friends at random in your shitty backwater movie doesn't make it scary...
13. (46)Bikini Girls on Ice - If I see another movie where the survivor girl is too busy whimpering to fight back, I'll just ask if a guy "wrote" this shit...the answer's probably "yes."
14. (47)The Horde - When I can't sleep, I know I just need to watch The Horde...or rather, it can watch me.
15. (48)Blood Creek - Nazi vampires...or zombies? Damnit, movie! Make a decision!!
16. (49)Mother's Day - What does it say that a movie about backwoods rednecks kidnapping women to rape them to death left me numb? I'm starting to worry about what this is doing to me...
17. (50)Dumplings - "Say, this doesn't seem much like a horror movie. Maybe Netflix wa--OH MY GOD!!! You went THAT route!?"
18. (51)Sam's Lake - Few things are funnier than a murderous hobo popping into frame from tall grass....
19. (52)976-Evil 2 - It's not every movie that gives you tits in less than a minute...
20. (53)The Burrowers - I guess that'll kill The Kurrgan too...
21. (54)I Spit on Your Corpse - This is not a horror movie, Netflix. YOU LIED TO ME!!
22. (55)Dreamaniac - Okay, but this is just horrible...but it's good to know that shitty '80's slasher movies can come from countries other than America and Italy...
23. (56)3...Extremes - A trio of Asian horror shorts (one of which is a clipped version of Dumplings that's slightly more effective) that only proves beyond any doubt that Chan Wook Park is a superior film maker to Takashi Miike. I SAID IT AND MEAN IT!
24. (57)The Boxer's Omen - Fuck this movie in its Third Eye...
25. (58)The Funhouse - No 90-min. movie should take more than 30 minutes to get the plot rolling...
26. (59)5ive Girls - Blondy, Blindy, Blandy, Blacky, and Bitch..guess who survives...
27. (60)The Comedy of Terrors - You know who has good comedic timing? Vincent Price...Yeah, I know!
28. (61)John Boorman's film of Exorcist II: The Heretic - If this movie was half as stupid and frenetic as its trailer, I'd love it. It's not. I don't...
29. (62)Rabid Grannies - Not bad, but not nearly as silly as that title suggests...
30. (63)Paranormal Activity 2 - Closing credits really undercuts any sense of realism the movie had. About as much as the actors from the first movie appearing on The Soup...
31. (64)Day of the Dead (2008) - A vegetarian zombie is the least of this movie's faults. So is Nick Cannon. If you know me, you know that took A LOT for me to say...
32. (65)Basket Case - This is an interesting and ambitious project that is very deserving of its cult status.
33. (66)Monkey Shines - Further proof that monkeys are hilarious...
34. (67)Ulli Lommel's Black Dahlia - The next time someone tells you that The Room or Troll 2 is "the worst movie ever," drop this director's name and tell them to go fuck themselves...

Things I can now confirm:

• The quality of your stage blood is directly proportionate to the quality of your movie.
• The overuse of the word "fuck" is a telltale sign of shitty writing and even shittier film-making. Seriously, you weaken the punch it has by throwing it into every other sentence. Stakes are important in this genre.
• Certain lines and phrases pop up too often in horror movies, and the title of this blog is one of them...
• If you're writing a screenplay, and one of your characters is face-to-face with the killer and asks "Why are you doing this?"...Re-write your whole fucking script.
• Ulli Lommel is an idiot.

On to the next one! Only 33 to go! I'm very open to suggestions too. If you've got a DVD or Blu-ray I haven't seen, drop the title. I'm willing to give it a shot.  But I also reserve the right to say "no." I don't need to see House of 1000 Corpses to know I won't like it...

*--Joe Spinell is fucking awesome, by the way. This is fact.