Review: The Rise of Skywalker Doesn't Really Mean Anything

My last blog entry made it pretty clear that I enjoyed The Last Jedi (2017), and it's been 2 years. I'm not arguing the merits of the movie anymore, and every complaint against it I've heard has been under-cooked and mis-interpretive garbage anyway. No, really. Just a fuck-ton of uncharitable takes on the people who made the film, the themes of the film, or nitpicks that amount to poorly-disguised vitriol.* And that's ignoring the blatant racist and sexist takes! So, we don't have time to address those again. Besides, there's an actual elephant in the room now...

Alright...let's address the one thing that shouldn't be a spoiler to everyone who's seen the trailer(s): Emperor Palpatine, the shadowy principle antagonist of the last 2 trilogies, is back. And that sucks.

My Favorite Movies of the 2010s

I noticed a few weeks back that loads of people were posting their favorite movies from the past 10 years all over their social media. And while lists are fun, I never saw anyone post a list with a breakdown of their choices. Just titles and years. Not very visually stimulating. So, here's a slightly more detailed and honest list...with pictures! Surely, no one else has done this yet.

Categories:

Drama

Horror

Action

Comedy

Blockbuster

Theater Experience

Viewing Experience

Overall

Let's begin in chronological order. And remember, this is a favorites list. So, if you don't agree with anything here...I don't have the room to care. Make the case for the entries on your list. I always need more stuff to watch...

2010 - Overall - Scott Pilgrim vs The World

This one is kinda unfair to mention seeing as it's actually one of my favorite movies of all time. Maybe I'll write a full entry detailing why someday. For now, I'll just say that I have a soft spot for coming-of-age and self-discovery stories where the protagonist actually grows as a person and that's the whole point of this story.

I Saw The Devil

If you ever wondered what it would be like if someone watched Se7en and said, "you call THAT wrath...?"

"Bet you wish I just shot you, huh...?"

Viewing Experience - Birdemic

My friends and I first discovered The Room in 2009, and naturally thought it was the pinnacle of bad movies at the time. A year later, here comes Birdemic...Tommy wasn't ready for the shit-show James was bringing to the table.

Comedy - Four Lions

Don't waste time and just find a way to watch this ASAP!!

Do it for Brother Crow...

2011 - Action - The Raid

The premise is simple. The action is next-level for its time of release. Even the soundtrack is absolutely on-point. I'll go as far as to say that The Raid is one of the best action movies ever made. Find a YouTube clip of your own, and find the lie in my statement. I'll wait...

Drama - Warrior

You could see the ending coming more clearly than a telegraphed punch, but the build is excellent and the performances are all fantastic.

Viewing Experience - Attack the Block

This movie is everything Super 8 wished it could be.

Detention

I've seen a LOT of movies that are nearly impossible to describe. This is one of them. Watch it anyway. You'll thank me later...or not. We're probably not meant to be friends if you wouldn't.

And I can live with that if I have to. Yes, this is from the movie.

Blockbuster - Captain America: The First Avenger

The greatest thing about Captain America as a character is his sincerity. No desperate edginess. No pretensions. Just a genuinely good guy trying to do good in the world for the right (read: selfless) reasons. That's the reason why many people have said that Steve Rogers has been the best on-screen representation of Superman for the past 20 years. This movie in particular did a lot to put the "hero" back into "superhero," and I appreciate that.

2012 - Theater Experience - The Avengers

When Tony Stark suited up in midair, my gf at the time, who by no means is or was a Marvel comics fan, leaned over to whisper "That is so cool." Maybe she was just saying that because it would appeal to me, or maybe my trust issues are so dense they have their own gravitational pull. Either way, that movie got such a response from people from all walks of life, and that matters.

Viewing Experience - Rurouni Kenshin: Origins

Don't look so surprised...

I'm using this as a placeholder for the entire trilogy (which is REALLY entertaining and you should watch it ASAP), but the first live-action Rurouni Kenshin movie is a sincerely strong opening effort. It delivers on the tone of the source material while perfectly navigating around its fantasy elements. I would argue it ultimately presents the best version of Kenshin Himura's story. That's right. Skip the anime AND the manga in favor of these movies. I mean it.

2013 - Snowpiercer

There aren't many filmmakers as adept at socioeconomic commentary as Bong Joon Ho. And the main reason for this is that he clearly has something to say and knows precisely how he wants to say it.

And bless you, Tilda Swinton. You are a gift.

Blue Ruin

Sometimes, characters in a given story aren't the smartest or the most sensible people. Sometimes, their ineptitude is so confounding that it can take you right out of the movie. That doesn't happen in Blue Ruin. The protagonist bumbles his way through the events of the film, but it works. You fully understand how and why things play out the way they do, and it all makes the story more engaging.

Fists of Legend

It's still on Amazon Prime, if you were wondering...

Do you know how good a movie has to be for ME to overlook a Korean rap-rock cover of "Eye of the Tiger!!?!?"

These Final Hours

I mentioned that I have a soft spot for self-discovery stories, and this delivers on that in the oddly-specific "coming into true adulthood" respect that works for me. The framing of the story is the heat-death of the planet, but it's clear in the narrative intention of showing us a man's path to real maturity.

It's never too late to learn important life lessons. For example, keep guys like this away from kids 9x outta 10.

2014 - Action - Rurouni Kenshin: Kyoto Inferno

Okay, okay, fine!! I wasn't gonna include any other Kenshin movies at first, but this one is REALLY GOOD!!!

Plus, this can stand in for its direct follow-up (The Legend Ends) since it came out in the same year.

Viewing Experience - What We Do in the Shadows

After hearing nothing but good things about this movie, I finally got around to seeing it during the Thanksgiving holiday. The movie was great, but was made even better by the fact that I took the leap with my family who had never seen or even heard of the film. Got a little bit of pride from introducing them to the works of Taika Waititi.

Nightcrawler

A truly fascinating and compelling character study that showcases the talent of Jake Gyllenhaal like nothing else.

2015 - Overall - Mad Max: Fury Road

This might be the best movie of the entire decade, if we're being honest.

IT FEATURES A GUY PLAYING A FLAME-THROWING GUITAR!! THERE IS NOTHING MORE THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID!!!!!

Green Room

Sometimes, the seemingly stupid thing to do is the most effective strategy. And even moreso than he did with Blue Ruin, Jeremy Saulnier builds a compelling and tense thriller based around this thought. Anton Yelchin (RIP) spells it all out so well in a wonderful scene midway through the film that when you reach the climax, the dots connect themselves.

Horror - The Nightmare

Who would've thought that a documentary about sleep paralysis could also be as chilling as a collection of horror shorts.?

We Are Still Here

Some of the best horror movies are about adults, and this is a shining example. There's an authenticity and extra sense of vulnerability that comes from the idea of people who have their lives in order not being able to deal with a situation facing them. But this movie has layers that pay off nicely...

2016 - Horror - The Void 

This movie still stands as one of the most pleasant surprises for me in recent years. It likely helped a lot that I went into it with no prior knowledge or expectations (hence why I'm not telling you anything), but The Void definitely delivered.

Overall - A Silent Voice

Here's another one of those "what it really means to grow the hell up" stories. While this technically didn't need to be animated, the execution of framing and visuals still manage to pull it all together in a manner that makes it worthwhile.

2017 - Horror - Get Out

Let me just say that in spite of The Bye Bye Man, 2017 was a pretty great year for movies. Get Out is a prime example as it introduced the world to Jordan Peele as a filmmaker with a uniquely honest voice. Ask most people, and they'll tell you that the most disturbing aspect of Get Out is just how real many of the situations feel.

Seriously, if this has ever been you, then you know what true discomfort feels like...

Ghost Stories

Be honest. You haven't seen or heard of this, and that's unfortunate because it's a great movie. The less you know going in, the better...

Overall - Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

I said what I said. Never really understood the backlash or controversy, actually. The fact that this was the first time in the history of the film franchise that war profiteering was brought up is pretty awesome, imo. Plus, this movie did a LOT to address past failings of the series. Midichlorians were pushed off the table for good. The bullshit "mystery" of Rey's parents was resolved in the best possible way. And they even had a Force-sensitive kid end the movie to make the point of that reveal clear: You don't have to be from a great lineage to do great things. That's a fantastic message that holds more weight than finding out Rey's last name is Kenobi or Windu.

But if anybody looks like a deadbeat dad...

Putting aside other complaints about things that are objectively great (Fuck Snoke. The most interesting thing he could do is die), I at the least have to talk about Luke. I. Loved. This. Direction. This movie handled the stage set by The Force Awakens incredibly well while still being able to showcase Luke as the most enlightened character in all of Star Wars.

Luke Skywalker was always gonna be a character that dies...but not really. Becoming a Force Ghost was always a guarantee in his future one way or another. And his place in the culture will never truly fade completely. So, his death shouldn't bother us. Especially since he saw his sister one last time, apologized to the student he felt that he failed (while giving him one final meaningful lesson), and saved the remaining members of The Resistance all while inspiring a new generation by reminding the universe why the Jedi matter which is the most baller shit ever and NOTHING will top that.

2018 - Theater Experience - Dragon Ball Super: Broly

Speaking of things that can't be topped, seeing a feature-length Dragon Ball movie in a packed theater full of people of all ages IN AMERICA!! That was an unthinkable reality when I was watching fan-subtitled bootleg VHS tapes in the late 90's, but here we are...Also, for what it's meant to be, the movie is really good.

Viewing Experience - Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

I don't personally care for "ranking _____ movies" because usually each film in a franchise has its own merits. Plus, it gets harder to do the thought you put into it and I think a lot. But if there ever was a conversation about the best Spider-Man movie that didn't include Spider-verse, that conversation is null and void.

Overall - Sorry to Bother You

Remember what I said about Bong Joon Ho as a filmmaker? Well, much of it can be said for Boots Riley. In his debut effort, Riley expertly blends comedy and socioeconomic commentary in one of the most honest films to grace American screens in decades.

2019 - Parasite

It wasn't my intention to have 2 back-to-back "social commentary" entries, but what do expect when movies are this good?

Knives Out

I'll say this much: Rian Johnson crafted a FANTASTIC whodunit that had me tinkering with theories from start to finish! And while it is a not-too-subtle comment on socioeconomics, the heart of the film is about...well, having one.

And there you have it! My favorite movies from this past 10 years, and let me tell ya'...There's plenty I didn't get to see, and maybe even more "honorable mentions." But this entry is long enough as it is. Plus, the less I said about the movie is an indicator of how much more I want you to see the movie. So, I'll sign off here and hopefully see some lists that include lots of the films I missed. Lookin' forward to that...

WHERE THE F*#K DID THE TIME GO!?

So, I just looked up and realized that I haven't written a single entry on this blog for almost 2 years. Somebody's gonna have to fix that...

I guess you think that means me, huh? Fine...

This calls for a bit of an update to get anyone reading this back up to speed. Unfortunately for me, that's a LOT of ground to cover that doesn't have nearly as many pictures as most of the people I know would've hoped. Sorry...

This looks way more condescending than I hoped...

First off, hello from behind The Great Firewall!! As I type these words, I'm sitting in a teacher's office for an ESL center. That's what I'm doing these days: Teaching absurdly energetic kids how to gradually speak English. The work is as rewarding as it is exhausting, but I'm really not here to talk about my job. Boring people do that.

My job is mostly making this face at whatever a kid just did.

Halloween Horror Marathon: What Have We Learned...?

If you spend an entire month watching movies from one genre, you start to pick up on a few tropes. Yeah, I recognize that as the staggering understatement that it is. That you caught that doesn't make you better than me! Y'know...that was combative and I'm sorry. The truth is you build such a familiarity with the usual markers that each of these stories hit spanning across sub-genres that you could practically write your own paint-by-numbers movie after a while. In some cases, it shows that the film-makers did exactly that. But I digress...

I telegraphed that joke as much as you telegraphed your ending!

The more exposure to tropes of any genre you have just makes their absurdity more apparent, and that's why I'm here. Because absurdity is hilarious to me. That, and there are plenty of tropes or "rules" that most people already know about the horror genre thanks to Scream. But let me assure you that there are even more that those movies completely missed, the writers had no knowledge of, or they simply wound up playing into themselves. There are a variety of ways to survive a horror movie (living it or watching it), but they vary as much as the genre itself. And it always requires a legit assessment of the situation. So, where to begin...?

Well...

Halloween Horror Marathon 2017: Not a Fan of Cabins near Lakes...

Another year, another 100+ horror movies to watch. That's been the modus operandi for these past...6 years!? That really crept up on me. I might have to stop talking about breaking a world record and actually DO it!

Of course, trying to do anything you've never done before requires prep. So, that has been the order of the day. Or days. You get the point!

That's why the goal of this year's run was to test the extents to which I was able push while compensating for a social life, work schedule, and whatever else might arise. And that means that this year's marathon operated under different rules. Gone is the focus solely on undiscovered territory (for now), and in its place is the inclusion of entire franchises when and wherever possible. With these adjustments made, I can say that I learned a couple of things that should help towards the larger goal of watching more than 250+ movies in a single month!

As for this year's run...

1. It Follows - Beautifully shot, a little over-written/hamfisted so far, good job at creating sense of unease. But I've got a question: How the fuck'd he get up there!? You know what part I mean...
2. The Unborn - Did she just say "All-timers"...?
3. The Disappointments Room - There's an actual ghost dog in this...and bad writing...and cliches from top to bottom...
4. Dead Awake (2016) - So, teenage me would've kicked this thing's ass? You would too seeing as this is a common enough occurrence that documentaries about it exist.
5. Gerald's Game - That was the voice of Batman, wasn't it...?
6. Be Afraid - DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! But really? Sleep paralysis from you too...?
7. Dark Signal - Largely aimless plot that only seemed to have its own climax in mind, but hedged their bets on what can only be described as laughably stupid.
8. Clown - Clowning...Not even once.
9. The Black Room - Why does this feel like it was written by and for sad perverts...?
10. Patchwork - There's a *very* slight rape-revenge vibe here, and it almost turned me away...until the "Owlcat"...

    

    And you're probably thinkin' this starts weird...Just wait.

11. A Dark Song - You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes...you might find...you get what you need.
12. Train to Busan - So...That's a "no" on the glass doors then?
13. American Poltergeist - Can't tell if the writing, acting, or directing is bad? Why not all 3!?
14. American Poltergeist 2 - Just as bad as the first with a nonsensical jab at Obamacare to boot.
15. The Devil's Candy - Meh. Could've been worse...
16. House on Willow Street - That girl got a demon in her...
17. Demonic - Okay, movie, but you cheated to get that ending.
18. Dig Two Graves - Kids these days and their Faustian deals...
19. The Void -  Not for everyone, but it's so good it should be!

    

    This is the least spoiler-y image. You should watch this!

20. Let's Be Evil - A reinvention of the old "creepy kid" trope, is it?
21. Shelley - How is evil babby formed?
22. Don't Kill It - Dolph is trying at times, at least.
23. The Forgotten - That's a whole new meaning to "Too stupid to exist," I guess...
24. First Born - I mean...the old lady had a point though...
25. The Eyes of My Mother - It's like a case-study in unnatural decisions, ie. Why I hate most art films, but at least interesting and realistic enough.
26. The Duplex - The way you're handling this situation...kinda cringe...Note to self: Nigeria at the time of this film's production? HEAVY on the patriarchy...
27. The Devil's Dolls - And the award for Stupidest Cop goes to...Scratch that! EVERYONE in this is so dumb it's hilarious!!
28. Intruder (2016) - Wait. Is that MOBY!?
29. Antibirth - OH MY GAHD!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAAAAAACE!?
30. Viral - This starts is out with a sassy black friend...So, expect antiquated tropes...
31. Blair Witch - I chose to watch a found footage movie. Knowingly. I deserve this.
32. Beyond the Gates - The throwback tone is immediate and deliberate, but I'm not convinced it was necessary.
33. Yoga Hosers - Kevin Smith deserves a stiff slap.
34. Asylum of Darkness - A 2-hour film that was 3 hours too long.
35. 10 Cloverfield Lane - The ending gets a little silly, but it's otherwise great.

    

    Challenge: Find ONE pic from this movie where John Goodman doesn't look like your disappointed dad.

36. Here Alone - It's getting easier to outshine The Walking Dead every week.
37. Boys in the Trees - Hey, soundtrack...how old is this movie again?
38. Raw - Live and let live, man.
39. Carnage Park - Quite the cop-out of an ending...
40. Cult of Chucky - Y'know, if you survived the rampage of a serial killing Cabbage Patch Kid, you'd probably be a gun-collecting survivalist too
41. Evolution (2015) - This is why I workout during some movies. Otherwise, I'd take naps...
42. The Charnel House - Parents should always be leery of imaginary friends.
43. Abattoir - Yet another case against small towns with some middling to awful performances to go along with the writing.
44. Havenhurst - It was only a matter of time before a movie involving H.H. Holmes came my way...
45. The Windmill - When you make awful people the main cast of your horror movie, I officially don't and won't care when they die. Why do some filmmakers not get this...?
46. XX - This is a unique perspective...in some cases, anyway. I didn't say *good* though...
47. The Axe Murders of Villisca - Denny feels like he was written as a 12 yr old.
48. Under the Shadow - Every culture hates ghosts. That's for sure...
49. The Similars - abbr. review: More arguing in a room than the average zombie movie. Interesting concept though...
50. Satanic - Justin Chon is pretty much always a bad sign. No matter the situation.
51. The Transfiguration - Reference to Let the Right One In from a movie that's very Let the Right One In. Right down to the loathsome bullies.
52. Tank 432 - Paramilitary groups barks their names at each other while occasionally shooting at things.
53. The Secret of Evil - Generic and forgettable found footage en Español!!
54. Charlotte - Bad anthologies are like a supernatural punishment of their own accord.
55. A Haunting in Saginaw Michigan - You can always trust a director that calls himself "Prozak"...
56. Jurassic Shark - This feels like it stars nothing but the director's friends and blackmailed professors.

    

    Yes, this is the level of quality you're dealing with...

57. Death Passage - Do ghosts usually set rope and pulley traps...?
58. WTF! - Perez Hilton is still a plague upon anything he appears in or touches even in 2017.
59. 616: Paranormal Incident - Paint-by-numbers found footage movie, and nothing more.
60. American Mummy - This looks almost as bad as it sounds...is written...is directed...was performed...
61. Alice, Sweet Alice - Are we supposed to think she didn't do it?
62. Raiders of the Lost Shark - "Based on a true story lol jk?" That should tell you how clever this movie thinks it is...
63. Prom Night - Almost unbearably slow...
64. Prom Night II: Hello, Mary Lou - Mary Lou has a real communication problem.
65. Prom Night III: The Last Kiss - Seriously, she has no chill. This probably could've worked out fine otherwise, Mary Lou!
66. Prom Night IV: Deliver Us from Evil - So...Colin is a moron and this is all his fault
67. Prom Night (2008) - This shouldn't exist.
68. Office - Hostile work environments, lemme tell ya'...
69. The Babysitter - This is ridiculous...in a "shrug/cringe" kinda way. Not terrible, but far from great.
70. Death Spa - What the fuck is Ken Foree wearing...?

    

    No joke, I might actually want this and if you really love me...

71. It Watches - This is thoroughly worth ignoring.
72. Islamic Exorcist - If I knew I was signing up for propaganda, this would've been less disappointing...
73. The Amityville Exorcism - That man's daughter is the same age he is.
74. Ataud Blanco - Would you kill someone else's kid to save your own? Don't.
75. General Cemetery - Homemade Ouija boards? You should ALWAYS go with Parker Bros.!
76. We Are Not Alone - Standard fare in the haunted house genre.
77. Scream - "The first one was good. The rest suck." - actual quote
78. Scream 2 - Even the first kills demand too much suspension of disbelief.
79. Scream 3 - At least the attemp tat a conclusion was made...mostly for the worst. But this being a Weinstein production makes this a little uncomfortable...
80. Scre4m - Sidney has officially killed 6 people, including her teenage cousin. These movies want us to ignore that.
81. My Soul To Take - You'd get an immediate F on that report.
82. I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House - If these walls could talk, they'd likely mumble pretentious nonsense.
83. Residue - I'll never get why transporters always look at the package.
84. Cube - Who filmed this community theatre production of a chamber play!?

    

    Depicted here: The face I made for the next 2 movies

85. Cube 2: Hypercube - This is cartoonish garbage with a higher budget than its undeniably superior predecessor.
86. Cube Zero - This goes off the rails the instant a one-eyed man walks in...
87. The Possession Experiment - This main character has to be the most stereotypical Chad.
88. The Glass Coffin - This is a LOT of effort and planning to see a middle aged woman naked.
89. Cabin Fear - No one acts like an actual human, and the killer's identity is hardly a surprise.
90. Stay Alive - Disingenuous and hackneyed. Nothing more.
91. The Shelter - Is he gonna seek revenge against Jesus now...?
92. The Privileged - "The visual symbolism of the ending was too subtle," he said lyingly...
93. The Snare - Do these people not understand that there are options other than living in plague conditions...?
94. Razors - Nietzsche quotes...faith's already dwindling...and those knives look like a kitchen set...
95. 24 Hours to Die - This is the best of the worst of 2017 for me.

    

    One of 3 shots where the lead isn't smiling like a dope

96. Ravenwolf Towers - I don't like Costco Peter Dinklage.
97. Anomaly - Can't decide if the dad or the kids are the worst actors...
98. 13 Demons - This movie ended on the same line that a DMX song starts.
99. The Gateway - Strange choice for the soundtrack, and the last jump-scare is lame, but otherwise adequate.
100. Friday the 13th (1980) - It feels longer than it is due to uneven pacing, but achieves its intended goals.
101. Friday the 13th pt.2 - This needed to justify its own existence, but the backstory gets a little muddled.
102. Friday the 13th pt. 3 - If ever there were a worse example of 3D filmmaking, I don't know what it is and don't want to know.
103. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter - Somewhere, there must be Mrs. Jarvis fanfiction about her life after abandoning her kids...
104. Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning - This marks the 2nd "new direction" for the franchise to be discarded.
105. Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives - The tropes most familiar to horror fans get played up the most in this entry, but knowingly and for the better.

     

     And with that, the series finally found itself...

106. Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood - An odd entry in the franchise that still keeps the formula intact.
107. Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan - Longer than it has any right to be...
108. Jason Goes to Hell: Friday the 13th IX - This is a mess, and possibly the worst of the series. Actually, subtract the "possibly."
109. Jason X - Talk about a narrative dead end...
110. Freddy vs. Jason - Competent enough considering the numerous ways this could've failed.
111. Friday the 13th (2009) - This is a collection of tropes from the perception of the series more than anything else.
112. The Neon Demon - Nicholas Winding Refn seems to have a high opinion of his own work that his films only almost earn. Almost.
113. Tales of Halloween - Okay, this got dumb really quick.
114. Society - There's a definite upside to being a social reject.
115. Die Hard Dracula - I may have spoken too soon on what's the absolute worst thing I've seen this year...
116. Pulgasari - He's a Cute-asaurus!!

     

     I mean, LOOKATHIM!!!!

117. The Evil Gene - Would've been better if Lance Henriksen was in it...Then I care at least about why he was in it...
118. Fear, Inc. - This goes the one step too far in a bad way.
119. Fear of Clowns 2 - A chore.
120. The Prowler -  Not exactly how I'd spend a vacation, but maybe I'm just no fun...

What a ride! Obviously not as many bumps along the road as years past, but the experience was well worth it for what insight I gained. The Friday the 13th marathon alone revealed so much. For example, it's entirely possible to watch 12 movies in a single day. That means watching over 250 movies in a month is a manageable feat...but it'll take some consideration and planning. Stay tuned...

Now, what of recommendations or honorable mentions? There are a couple this year!

It Follows, Gerald's Game, Patchwork, Train to Busan, Dig Two Graves, The Void, The Eyes of My Mother, 10 Cloverfield Lane, Raw, The Similars, The Transfiguration; Alice, Sweet Alice; Scream, Cube, Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives, Society, and The Prowler

Anyone who's seen Night of the Living Dead will feel a familiar twinge of disgust...

And this year's worst?

The Disappointments Room, American Poltergeist 2, Intruder (2016), Asylum of Darkness, A Haunting in Saginaw Michigan, Jurassic Shark, American Mummy, Prom Night IV: Deliver Us from Evil, Islamic Exorcist, My Soul to Take, Cabin Fear, 24 Hours to Die, Jason Goes to Hell: Friday the 13th IX, Die Hard Dracula, and Fear of Clowns 2

He would do anything for love...but he won't pay the FX team...

I need a nap. Til next time...

In the meantime, go watch The Void. Have you seen The Void? Why aren't you watching The Void?

Halloween Horror Marathon: Once more...Into the Breach!!

It dawned on me recently that after 5 years in a row of marathon-ing several hundred horror movies, I haven't actually taken the time to parse through the load and point to the ones worth recommending. So as I sit through Scream 4 again (which would never be on any such list if I'm writing it), I'll also take a minute to look back on the years past for the best (or, let's be honest, passable/watchable) movies I experienced. Let's get underway, shall we?

1. The Sentinel - This was the first decent and creepy movie I saw, and I really can't think of anything bad to say about it.
2. The Fog (1980) - You could do A LOT worse, and that's why it gets a recommendation.
3. Prince of Darkness (John Carpenter) - A solid enough effort from Carpenter that's completely under the radar and worth a look for the uninitiated.
4. Graduation Day - Watch this for an appearance from a young Vanna White.
5. R.O.T.: Reunion of Terror - This movie gains a recommendation solely because of how fucking stupid it is...
6. Five Across the Eyes - This movie is an endurance test. Scratch that. It's THE endurance test! If you can make it to the end, you're ready for anything.
7. In The Mouth of Madness - Another little-known title from John Carpenter that deserves a viewing.
8. Trick 'r Treat - Far from flawless, it's still a valiant effort.
9. Hell Night - This movie introduced me to a new favorite slasher movie character in the proto-William Zabka form of "Seth." That guy made the movie for me.

   

   And ladies...what's left of him is single...
   

Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Jigsaw is Full of S#!%

Many things have been said about the Saw franchise over the years, but the one thing that's always been a problem for me is this simple fact:

Jigsaw is just a sanctimonious hypocrite of a shit-lord that should and could have been shot in the face in the first movie.

And that's the least of this series' litany of extremely convoluted issues. Does this cancer-riddled prick own an entire warehouse district? Are we really to believe that this half-dead douche and a couple of petty sociopaths were able to set up this many "traps" in advance? How the hell are ANY of these people managing to afford the equipment necessary to construct these traps? On whose salary? The cop!? Get the fuck outta here...

I had a sneaking suspicion that the Saw franchise might have had a more noticeable issue that applies to many movies in the horror genre, but memory of the middle block of the series was fuzzy at best. There's only one way to solve that problem...

1. (103) Saw II - Right outta the gate, you've got no justification for or feasible solution to the situation that this first guy has been placed in. Basic premise lost in the opening.
2. (104) Saw III - Well, I guess that makes the two guys from the first movie pretty stupid.

   

   "Refresh my memory: Am I appreciating life enough or is it these other guys?"

3. (105) Saw IV - Are we just gonna admit at this point that Jigsaw has access to the scripts? What's that in your hand, Tobin?
4. (106) Saw V - Jigsaw saying that "Killing is distasteful" has got to be the most hypocritical statement ever made.

   

   "'Killing is distasteful!?' Shit! How am I supposed to get outta this....?"

5. (107) Comforting Skin - Mmmmm, potatoes, huh?  Can I get mine with a side of passive aggression, honey!?
6. (108) Archivo 253 - Jeez, you just couldn't wait to ram that night-vision into our face...
7. (109) Let Us Prey - As if cops don't come off bad enough in this genre...
8. (110) The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death - "Stop being horrible!" shouted a little girl who seemed to be trying to warn me about what I was to see...
9. (111) Joyride 3: Roadkill - Meth-addled sex is the scariest thing in this.
10. (112) Tormented - Creepy Rabbits are magic...but first and foremost, creepy.
11. (113) Hollows Grove - You can't put Mykelti Williamson in the opening of your found footage movie! Then Lance Henriksen shows up later too!? *sigh*

    

    And no portion of your soundtrack should come from a band like this one.

12. (114) Skew - "I don't know, man. It's the same shit." Indeed it is...
13. (115) The House on Sorority Row - Any prank that involves a gun is probably not gonna be funny.
14. (116) Sorority Row - Can't decide if these movies hate Greek Life (which is fine by me) or just don't understand pranks...
15. (117) Wes Craven's New Nightmare - Stop hanging up on everybody, Heather! Damn...
16. (118) The Descent - Finally, a reason to not be mad at Lion's Gate!!
17. (119) Out of the Dark (1995) - Chinese ghost possession seems way more fun in general.
18. (120) Mulberry St. - Rat-faced zombies...
19. (121) The Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence - A franchise determined to disappear up its own ass.

    

    The only reaction Tom Six's desperate attempts to shock deserve.

20. (122) Neverlake - But...she didn't deserve that...
21. (123) Dust Devil - Like a vacuum...because it sucks.
22. (124) High Lane - I cannot believe this song is an element at play here...
23. (125) Infernal - This is going full-Cloverfield right away...Not the best sign, especially given that the writing has an undeniable misogynist bent.
24. (126) Paranormal Haunting: Curse of The Blue Moon Inn - The laziest found-footage movies don't offer explanations for how or why cameras are set up. This is the laziest.
25. (127) Haunted House: Demon Poltergeist Attack - This may confirm that Brits are the WORST at making found-footage movies. Unless this was supposed to be comedy. Then, top marks, mate!
26. (128) Find Me - Bursting out laughing at the opening scene is always the best sign...
27. (129) The Disembodied - Oh no...Not Full Moon!! And directed by Charles Band!? God.......damnit.
28. (130) The Gingerdead Man - Recording Gary Busey on a given weekend excursion is no different from this opening...

    

    The hell do you mean this got sequels....?

29. (131) Kristy - You don't even have to ask who hurt this writer...
30. (132) Evil - Budget didn't include actual fish, huh? This does not bode well....

So, the Saw series has a fairly common handicap found in horror franchises as suspected. The longer a series tends to last (or if a series is established at all in some cases), the more likely it is that the villain(s) of the series will take center stage. This is how Jason Vorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, and the like have become icons of the genre. The problem with this should be obvious though: Horror icons become parody because of this. Horror movies are about what happen to people. So, focusing on the characters doing the killing only reduces the effect of the film. You wanna create a true horror icon? Make a movie that effectively and legitimately scares viewers! No, not 90 minutes of watching unlikeable people sleep until a loud noise happens or you go the route of a screamer video on Youtube! Create a sense of dread! Build atmosphere! And for fuck's sake, STOP TRYING TO IDENTIFY WITH THE KILLER. YOU JACKASSES!!!!

*sigh*

Got that off my chest....

Ending on a bit of a whimper this year, but that's entirely the movie's fault. Well...that's not entirely true now that I think about it. After all, life really decided to be a major impediment to the viewing process. Power outages, internet signal drops, my Playstation dying, my TV dying, and THE BIGGEST FLOOD TO HIT THIS SECTION OF THE SOUTHEAST IN AGES!!!!!
Let's just say the marathon was an uphill battle this year. However, not totally discouraging. Even with every conceivable roadblock and impediment, we managed 132 movies. That's only 8 shy of last year, so setting a new record is possible even while working and juggling personal relationships. Besides, you don't watch The Gingerdead Man and call it quits on horror. It can't all be for nothing...

Til next year!