WHERE THE F*#K DID THE TIME GO!?

So, I just looked up and realized that I haven't written a single entry on this blog for almost 2 years. Somebody's gonna have to fix that...

I guess you think that means me, huh? Fine...

This calls for a bit of an update to get anyone reading this back up to speed. Unfortunately for me, that's a LOT of ground to cover that doesn't have nearly as many pictures as most of the people I know would've hoped. Sorry...

This looks way more condescending than I hoped...

First off, hello from behind The Great Firewall!! As I type these words, I'm sitting in a teacher's office for an ESL center. That's what I'm doing these days: Teaching absurdly energetic kids how to gradually speak English. The work is as rewarding as it is exhausting, but I'm really not here to talk about my job. Boring people do that.

My job is mostly making this face at whatever a kid just did.

Halloween Horror Marathon 2017: Not a Fan of Cabins near Lakes...

Another year, another 100+ horror movies to watch. That's been the modus operandi for these past...6 years!? That really crept up on me. I might have to stop talking about breaking a world record and actually DO it!

Of course, trying to do anything you've never done before requires prep. So, that has been the order of the day. Or days. You get the point!

That's why the goal of this year's run was to test the extents to which I was able push while compensating for a social life, work schedule, and whatever else might arise. And that means that this year's marathon operated under different rules. Gone is the focus solely on undiscovered territory (for now), and in its place is the inclusion of entire franchises when and wherever possible. With these adjustments made, I can say that I learned a couple of things that should help towards the larger goal of watching more than 250+ movies in a single month!

As for this year's run...

1. It Follows - Beautifully shot, a little over-written/hamfisted so far, good job at creating sense of unease. But I've got a question: How the fuck'd he get up there!? You know what part I mean...
2. The Unborn - Did she just say "All-timers"...?
3. The Disappointments Room - There's an actual ghost dog in this...and bad writing...and cliches from top to bottom...
4. Dead Awake (2016) - So, teenage me would've kicked this thing's ass? You would too seeing as this is a common enough occurrence that documentaries about it exist.
5. Gerald's Game - That was the voice of Batman, wasn't it...?
6. Be Afraid - DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! But really? Sleep paralysis from you too...?
7. Dark Signal - Largely aimless plot that only seemed to have its own climax in mind, but hedged their bets on what can only be described as laughably stupid.
8. Clown - Clowning...Not even once.
9. The Black Room - Why does this feel like it was written by and for sad perverts...?
10. Patchwork - There's a *very* slight rape-revenge vibe here, and it almost turned me away...until the "Owlcat"...

    

    And you're probably thinkin' this starts weird...Just wait.

11. A Dark Song - You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes...you might find...you get what you need.
12. Train to Busan - So...That's a "no" on the glass doors then?
13. American Poltergeist - Can't tell if the writing, acting, or directing is bad? Why not all 3!?
14. American Poltergeist 2 - Just as bad as the first with a nonsensical jab at Obamacare to boot.
15. The Devil's Candy - Meh. Could've been worse...
16. House on Willow Street - That girl got a demon in her...
17. Demonic - Okay, movie, but you cheated to get that ending.
18. Dig Two Graves - Kids these days and their Faustian deals...
19. The Void -  Not for everyone, but it's so good it should be!

    

    This is the least spoiler-y image. You should watch this!

20. Let's Be Evil - A reinvention of the old "creepy kid" trope, is it?
21. Shelley - How is evil babby formed?
22. Don't Kill It - Dolph is trying at times, at least.
23. The Forgotten - That's a whole new meaning to "Too stupid to exist," I guess...
24. First Born - I mean...the old lady had a point though...
25. The Eyes of My Mother - It's like a case-study in unnatural decisions, ie. Why I hate most art films, but at least interesting and realistic enough.
26. The Duplex - The way you're handling this situation...kinda cringe...Note to self: Nigeria at the time of this film's production? HEAVY on the patriarchy...
27. The Devil's Dolls - And the award for Stupidest Cop goes to...Scratch that! EVERYONE in this is so dumb it's hilarious!!
28. Intruder (2016) - Wait. Is that MOBY!?
29. Antibirth - OH MY GAHD!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAAAAAACE!?
30. Viral - This starts is out with a sassy black friend...So, expect antiquated tropes...
31. Blair Witch - I chose to watch a found footage movie. Knowingly. I deserve this.
32. Beyond the Gates - The throwback tone is immediate and deliberate, but I'm not convinced it was necessary.
33. Yoga Hosers - Kevin Smith deserves a stiff slap.
34. Asylum of Darkness - A 2-hour film that was 3 hours too long.
35. 10 Cloverfield Lane - The ending gets a little silly, but it's otherwise great.

    

    Challenge: Find ONE pic from this movie where John Goodman doesn't look like your disappointed dad.

36. Here Alone - It's getting easier to outshine The Walking Dead every week.
37. Boys in the Trees - Hey, soundtrack...how old is this movie again?
38. Raw - Live and let live, man.
39. Carnage Park - Quite the cop-out of an ending...
40. Cult of Chucky - Y'know, if you survived the rampage of a serial killing Cabbage Patch Kid, you'd probably be a gun-collecting survivalist too
41. Evolution (2015) - This is why I workout during some movies. Otherwise, I'd take naps...
42. The Charnel House - Parents should always be leery of imaginary friends.
43. Abattoir - Yet another case against small towns with some middling to awful performances to go along with the writing.
44. Havenhurst - It was only a matter of time before a movie involving H.H. Holmes came my way...
45. The Windmill - When you make awful people the main cast of your horror movie, I officially don't and won't care when they die. Why do some filmmakers not get this...?
46. XX - This is a unique perspective...in some cases, anyway. I didn't say *good* though...
47. The Axe Murders of Villisca - Denny feels like he was written as a 12 yr old.
48. Under the Shadow - Every culture hates ghosts. That's for sure...
49. The Similars - abbr. review: More arguing in a room than the average zombie movie. Interesting concept though...
50. Satanic - Justin Chon is pretty much always a bad sign. No matter the situation.
51. The Transfiguration - Reference to Let the Right One In from a movie that's very Let the Right One In. Right down to the loathsome bullies.
52. Tank 432 - Paramilitary groups barks their names at each other while occasionally shooting at things.
53. The Secret of Evil - Generic and forgettable found footage en Español!!
54. Charlotte - Bad anthologies are like a supernatural punishment of their own accord.
55. A Haunting in Saginaw Michigan - You can always trust a director that calls himself "Prozak"...
56. Jurassic Shark - This feels like it stars nothing but the director's friends and blackmailed professors.

    

    Yes, this is the level of quality you're dealing with...

57. Death Passage - Do ghosts usually set rope and pulley traps...?
58. WTF! - Perez Hilton is still a plague upon anything he appears in or touches even in 2017.
59. 616: Paranormal Incident - Paint-by-numbers found footage movie, and nothing more.
60. American Mummy - This looks almost as bad as it sounds...is written...is directed...was performed...
61. Alice, Sweet Alice - Are we supposed to think she didn't do it?
62. Raiders of the Lost Shark - "Based on a true story lol jk?" That should tell you how clever this movie thinks it is...
63. Prom Night - Almost unbearably slow...
64. Prom Night II: Hello, Mary Lou - Mary Lou has a real communication problem.
65. Prom Night III: The Last Kiss - Seriously, she has no chill. This probably could've worked out fine otherwise, Mary Lou!
66. Prom Night IV: Deliver Us from Evil - So...Colin is a moron and this is all his fault
67. Prom Night (2008) - This shouldn't exist.
68. Office - Hostile work environments, lemme tell ya'...
69. The Babysitter - This is ridiculous...in a "shrug/cringe" kinda way. Not terrible, but far from great.
70. Death Spa - What the fuck is Ken Foree wearing...?

    

    No joke, I might actually want this and if you really love me...

71. It Watches - This is thoroughly worth ignoring.
72. Islamic Exorcist - If I knew I was signing up for propaganda, this would've been less disappointing...
73. The Amityville Exorcism - That man's daughter is the same age he is.
74. Ataud Blanco - Would you kill someone else's kid to save your own? Don't.
75. General Cemetery - Homemade Ouija boards? You should ALWAYS go with Parker Bros.!
76. We Are Not Alone - Standard fare in the haunted house genre.
77. Scream - "The first one was good. The rest suck." - actual quote
78. Scream 2 - Even the first kills demand too much suspension of disbelief.
79. Scream 3 - At least the attemp tat a conclusion was made...mostly for the worst. But this being a Weinstein production makes this a little uncomfortable...
80. Scre4m - Sidney has officially killed 6 people, including her teenage cousin. These movies want us to ignore that.
81. My Soul To Take - You'd get an immediate F on that report.
82. I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House - If these walls could talk, they'd likely mumble pretentious nonsense.
83. Residue - I'll never get why transporters always look at the package.
84. Cube - Who filmed this community theatre production of a chamber play!?

    

    Depicted here: The face I made for the next 2 movies

85. Cube 2: Hypercube - This is cartoonish garbage with a higher budget than its undeniably superior predecessor.
86. Cube Zero - This goes off the rails the instant a one-eyed man walks in...
87. The Possession Experiment - This main character has to be the most stereotypical Chad.
88. The Glass Coffin - This is a LOT of effort and planning to see a middle aged woman naked.
89. Cabin Fear - No one acts like an actual human, and the killer's identity is hardly a surprise.
90. Stay Alive - Disingenuous and hackneyed. Nothing more.
91. The Shelter - Is he gonna seek revenge against Jesus now...?
92. The Privileged - "The visual symbolism of the ending was too subtle," he said lyingly...
93. The Snare - Do these people not understand that there are options other than living in plague conditions...?
94. Razors - Nietzsche quotes...faith's already dwindling...and those knives look like a kitchen set...
95. 24 Hours to Die - This is the best of the worst of 2017 for me.

    

    One of 3 shots where the lead isn't smiling like a dope

96. Ravenwolf Towers - I don't like Costco Peter Dinklage.
97. Anomaly - Can't decide if the dad or the kids are the worst actors...
98. 13 Demons - This movie ended on the same line that a DMX song starts.
99. The Gateway - Strange choice for the soundtrack, and the last jump-scare is lame, but otherwise adequate.
100. Friday the 13th (1980) - It feels longer than it is due to uneven pacing, but achieves its intended goals.
101. Friday the 13th pt.2 - This needed to justify its own existence, but the backstory gets a little muddled.
102. Friday the 13th pt. 3 - If ever there were a worse example of 3D filmmaking, I don't know what it is and don't want to know.
103. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter - Somewhere, there must be Mrs. Jarvis fanfiction about her life after abandoning her kids...
104. Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning - This marks the 2nd "new direction" for the franchise to be discarded.
105. Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives - The tropes most familiar to horror fans get played up the most in this entry, but knowingly and for the better.

     

     And with that, the series finally found itself...

106. Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood - An odd entry in the franchise that still keeps the formula intact.
107. Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan - Longer than it has any right to be...
108. Jason Goes to Hell: Friday the 13th IX - This is a mess, and possibly the worst of the series. Actually, subtract the "possibly."
109. Jason X - Talk about a narrative dead end...
110. Freddy vs. Jason - Competent enough considering the numerous ways this could've failed.
111. Friday the 13th (2009) - This is a collection of tropes from the perception of the series more than anything else.
112. The Neon Demon - Nicholas Winding Refn seems to have a high opinion of his own work that his films only almost earn. Almost.
113. Tales of Halloween - Okay, this got dumb really quick.
114. Society - There's a definite upside to being a social reject.
115. Die Hard Dracula - I may have spoken too soon on what's the absolute worst thing I've seen this year...
116. Pulgasari - He's a Cute-asaurus!!

     

     I mean, LOOKATHIM!!!!

117. The Evil Gene - Would've been better if Lance Henriksen was in it...Then I care at least about why he was in it...
118. Fear, Inc. - This goes the one step too far in a bad way.
119. Fear of Clowns 2 - A chore.
120. The Prowler -  Not exactly how I'd spend a vacation, but maybe I'm just no fun...

What a ride! Obviously not as many bumps along the road as years past, but the experience was well worth it for what insight I gained. The Friday the 13th marathon alone revealed so much. For example, it's entirely possible to watch 12 movies in a single day. That means watching over 250 movies in a month is a manageable feat...but it'll take some consideration and planning. Stay tuned...

Now, what of recommendations or honorable mentions? There are a couple this year!

It Follows, Gerald's Game, Patchwork, Train to Busan, Dig Two Graves, The Void, The Eyes of My Mother, 10 Cloverfield Lane, Raw, The Similars, The Transfiguration; Alice, Sweet Alice; Scream, Cube, Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives, Society, and The Prowler

Anyone who's seen Night of the Living Dead will feel a familiar twinge of disgust...

And this year's worst?

The Disappointments Room, American Poltergeist 2, Intruder (2016), Asylum of Darkness, A Haunting in Saginaw Michigan, Jurassic Shark, American Mummy, Prom Night IV: Deliver Us from Evil, Islamic Exorcist, My Soul to Take, Cabin Fear, 24 Hours to Die, Jason Goes to Hell: Friday the 13th IX, Die Hard Dracula, and Fear of Clowns 2

He would do anything for love...but he won't pay the FX team...

I need a nap. Til next time...

In the meantime, go watch The Void. Have you seen The Void? Why aren't you watching The Void?

Halloween Horror Marathon: Once more...Into the Breach!!

It dawned on me recently that after 5 years in a row of marathon-ing several hundred horror movies, I haven't actually taken the time to parse through the load and point to the ones worth recommending. So as I sit through Scream 4 again (which would never be on any such list if I'm writing it), I'll also take a minute to look back on the years past for the best (or, let's be honest, passable/watchable) movies I experienced. Let's get underway, shall we?

1. The Sentinel - This was the first decent and creepy movie I saw, and I really can't think of anything bad to say about it.
2. The Fog (1980) - You could do A LOT worse, and that's why it gets a recommendation.
3. Prince of Darkness (John Carpenter) - A solid enough effort from Carpenter that's completely under the radar and worth a look for the uninitiated.
4. Graduation Day - Watch this for an appearance from a young Vanna White.
5. R.O.T.: Reunion of Terror - This movie gains a recommendation solely because of how fucking stupid it is...
6. Five Across the Eyes - This movie is an endurance test. Scratch that. It's THE endurance test! If you can make it to the end, you're ready for anything.
7. In The Mouth of Madness - Another little-known title from John Carpenter that deserves a viewing.
8. Trick 'r Treat - Far from flawless, it's still a valiant effort.
9. Hell Night - This movie introduced me to a new favorite slasher movie character in the proto-William Zabka form of "Seth." That guy made the movie for me.

   

   And ladies...what's left of him is single...
   

Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Jigsaw is Full of S#!%

Many things have been said about the Saw franchise over the years, but the one thing that's always been a problem for me is this simple fact:

Jigsaw is just a sanctimonious hypocrite of a shit-lord that should and could have been shot in the face in the first movie.

And that's the least of this series' litany of extremely convoluted issues. Does this cancer-riddled prick own an entire warehouse district? Are we really to believe that this half-dead douche and a couple of petty sociopaths were able to set up this many "traps" in advance? How the hell are ANY of these people managing to afford the equipment necessary to construct these traps? On whose salary? The cop!? Get the fuck outta here...

I had a sneaking suspicion that the Saw franchise might have had a more noticeable issue that applies to many movies in the horror genre, but memory of the middle block of the series was fuzzy at best. There's only one way to solve that problem...

1. (103) Saw II - Right outta the gate, you've got no justification for or feasible solution to the situation that this first guy has been placed in. Basic premise lost in the opening.
2. (104) Saw III - Well, I guess that makes the two guys from the first movie pretty stupid.

   

   "Refresh my memory: Am I appreciating life enough or is it these other guys?"

3. (105) Saw IV - Are we just gonna admit at this point that Jigsaw has access to the scripts? What's that in your hand, Tobin?
4. (106) Saw V - Jigsaw saying that "Killing is distasteful" has got to be the most hypocritical statement ever made.

   

   "'Killing is distasteful!?' Shit! How am I supposed to get outta this....?"

5. (107) Comforting Skin - Mmmmm, potatoes, huh?  Can I get mine with a side of passive aggression, honey!?
6. (108) Archivo 253 - Jeez, you just couldn't wait to ram that night-vision into our face...
7. (109) Let Us Prey - As if cops don't come off bad enough in this genre...
8. (110) The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death - "Stop being horrible!" shouted a little girl who seemed to be trying to warn me about what I was to see...
9. (111) Joyride 3: Roadkill - Meth-addled sex is the scariest thing in this.
10. (112) Tormented - Creepy Rabbits are magic...but first and foremost, creepy.
11. (113) Hollows Grove - You can't put Mykelti Williamson in the opening of your found footage movie! Then Lance Henriksen shows up later too!? *sigh*

    

    And no portion of your soundtrack should come from a band like this one.

12. (114) Skew - "I don't know, man. It's the same shit." Indeed it is...
13. (115) The House on Sorority Row - Any prank that involves a gun is probably not gonna be funny.
14. (116) Sorority Row - Can't decide if these movies hate Greek Life (which is fine by me) or just don't understand pranks...
15. (117) Wes Craven's New Nightmare - Stop hanging up on everybody, Heather! Damn...
16. (118) The Descent - Finally, a reason to not be mad at Lion's Gate!!
17. (119) Out of the Dark (1995) - Chinese ghost possession seems way more fun in general.
18. (120) Mulberry St. - Rat-faced zombies...
19. (121) The Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence - A franchise determined to disappear up its own ass.

    

    The only reaction Tom Six's desperate attempts to shock deserve.

20. (122) Neverlake - But...she didn't deserve that...
21. (123) Dust Devil - Like a vacuum...because it sucks.
22. (124) High Lane - I cannot believe this song is an element at play here...
23. (125) Infernal - This is going full-Cloverfield right away...Not the best sign, especially given that the writing has an undeniable misogynist bent.
24. (126) Paranormal Haunting: Curse of The Blue Moon Inn - The laziest found-footage movies don't offer explanations for how or why cameras are set up. This is the laziest.
25. (127) Haunted House: Demon Poltergeist Attack - This may confirm that Brits are the WORST at making found-footage movies. Unless this was supposed to be comedy. Then, top marks, mate!
26. (128) Find Me - Bursting out laughing at the opening scene is always the best sign...
27. (129) The Disembodied - Oh no...Not Full Moon!! And directed by Charles Band!? God.......damnit.
28. (130) The Gingerdead Man - Recording Gary Busey on a given weekend excursion is no different from this opening...

    

    The hell do you mean this got sequels....?

29. (131) Kristy - You don't even have to ask who hurt this writer...
30. (132) Evil - Budget didn't include actual fish, huh? This does not bode well....

So, the Saw series has a fairly common handicap found in horror franchises as suspected. The longer a series tends to last (or if a series is established at all in some cases), the more likely it is that the villain(s) of the series will take center stage. This is how Jason Vorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, and the like have become icons of the genre. The problem with this should be obvious though: Horror icons become parody because of this. Horror movies are about what happen to people. So, focusing on the characters doing the killing only reduces the effect of the film. You wanna create a true horror icon? Make a movie that effectively and legitimately scares viewers! No, not 90 minutes of watching unlikeable people sleep until a loud noise happens or you go the route of a screamer video on Youtube! Create a sense of dread! Build atmosphere! And for fuck's sake, STOP TRYING TO IDENTIFY WITH THE KILLER. YOU JACKASSES!!!!

*sigh*

Got that off my chest....

Ending on a bit of a whimper this year, but that's entirely the movie's fault. Well...that's not entirely true now that I think about it. After all, life really decided to be a major impediment to the viewing process. Power outages, internet signal drops, my Playstation dying, my TV dying, and THE BIGGEST FLOOD TO HIT THIS SECTION OF THE SOUTHEAST IN AGES!!!!!
Let's just say the marathon was an uphill battle this year. However, not totally discouraging. Even with every conceivable roadblock and impediment, we managed 132 movies. That's only 8 shy of last year, so setting a new record is possible even while working and juggling personal relationships. Besides, you don't watch The Gingerdead Man and call it quits on horror. It can't all be for nothing...

Til next year!

Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Does New World Pictures Even Exist Anymore...?

Everything in Hell is apparently dicks. I don't mean jerks, by the way. According to the Hellraiser movies, you won't find that dog that was mean to you that time in middle school. We're talkin' literal phalluses. Phalli? Phallossus? Did that sentence even make sense?

I hope not because that would make it that much more like the Hellraiser franchise. Very few horror franchises can or will leave you with the incomprehensible NEED to say at multiple points in time: "What in the fast-fuck is this convoluted nonsense!?*" And trust that there is a legitimate reason for that which speaks to a fundamental problem with the franchise. Specifically, that it shouldn't even be a franchise.

The movies themselves can inform you of that fact, but more on that later.

Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Sequelbatin'

Certain things are starting to stick out in the marathon this year. Found-footage still hasn't fully dissipated as a sub-genre yet, but then there's the litany of tropes as per usual. This isn't a bad thing, but what is? Desperate attempts to subvert tropes, that's what!

Rules are made to broken, as that particular cliche goes. This only becomes an issue when the desire to "shock" overtakes good storytelling. For the sake of remaining as "spoiler-free" as possible, I won't cite direct examples here. But the long and short of it is this: The attempt to surprise the viewer with every plot development or sequence only sets a tone which makes the viewer try to stay a step ahead of your story. We're not dumb, and we'll be right more often than you think.

Alright, the rules barely apply anymore. There's no point in reposting them. Let's Rock!

1. (35) The Blood Lands - Soccer hooligans are the worst...
2. (36) The Pact 2 - Just once, I want the frightened person running out of a house with a knife to stab the house.
3. (37) Devil's Backbone, Texas - You've just been ZAPPED!
   

Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Thank you, Wes...

Here we are at year 5 of this annual endurance test. That really crept up on me. Half a decade!

It's dawned on me that each time I make it publicly-known that I'm watching something for the marathon, there's always the question of why do this to myself. Not the marathon as a whole, but rather an individual movie. So, allow me to provide the only answer that ultimately makes any sense:

Because it exists and I haven't seen it.

That goes for pretty much everything I watch in October (DeCoteau can still go to hell though). The experience doesn't fully work if you discriminate, and you never know what may surprise you (except David DeCoteau--He'll never surprise you with anything other than a different branch of terrible). So, no matter how bad you might assume or already know the movie to be...I generally give it a shot if it fits these criteria:

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• No David DeCoteau movies

Then I write up a reaction, micro-review, or any given thought of what I saw. That's usually how this works...except this year. This time, I'm being a little more lax on the rules because we lost an icon of the genre.

Now, it doesn't seem to matter as much if I've seen certain movies. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) deserves a viewing, and there's no better way to kick things off than with...

Halloween Horror Marathon 2014: I'm Usually Out of Clever Titles by Now...

This is a first. Every other year, the 3rd entry meant the end of the run had arrived and I was wrapping things up. Yet, here we are and I've already got a few more entries to add. At this rate of expansion, there's honestly no telling where I'll stop. I'll try to be reasonable though.

Huh...Not really sure what to say now. This has never happened before. Uhhh...

Who wants a hug...?

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• No investigation into the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• No David DeCoteau movies
• And...*The Netflix Roulette Gambit* - After 10 movies, give the wheel a spin. Whatever unfamiliar title it lands on, I have to watch it

Where we'll stop? Nobody knows...

Halloween Horror Marathon 2014: Horror Soundtracks in Broad Daylight are Just Awkward

Man, this is nuts!! Just past the halfway point of the month, and I can guarantee that last year's record will be broken. And I haven't even had to fall back on Youtube or Hulu yet!!

It's becoming more widely known amongst people that know me that I do this every year, and the result is that many have and will make suggestions. I *LOVE* this!! It means that the people reading this are paying enough attention to know what titles are most likely unfamiliar to me! It means that people are reading this shit!!!! I can't thank you enough if you are. Keep those suggestions coming, and don't be afraid to go mainstream. Most of this stuff no one's ever heard of outside of the production teams that made it and no longer talk about it until a relative asks about "that movie you guys were making" at the Thanksgiving table--where all regrets resurface.

Exhibit A. The shame is palpable...

Anyhoo, let's get into it!

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• No investigation into the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• No David DeCoteau movies
• And...*The Netflix Roulette Gambit* - After 10 movies, give the wheel a spin. Whatever unfamiliar title it lands on, I have to watch it

Let's see how deep the rabbit hole goes this time...

Halloween Horror Marathon 2014: Wait, Who the Hell is Filming THIS!?

One week into October, and we've got 35 movies under our belts. And along this road to self-discovery, I've learned that jump-scares only make me blurt out laughter. I've also learned that IFC Films has been putting in a LOT of work in the horror genre, and the results are about exactly what you'd expect. Every studio that gets into horror movies is bound to have an output that pretty much reflects the genre as a whole. A few winners but a shit-loads of losers. I'd say that makes them a pretty solid addition of the fold. Welcome to the party, guys!

As this journey continues, ideas are hitting me for future endeavors as far as reflections on this genre are concerned. Yes, I will definitely compile lists of the best and worst. Yes, the best list will include ironic choices to be enjoyed with family and friends. But the biggest undertaking may be another year away. Stay tuned for that one. In the meantime, a quick reminder of the rules...

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• No investigation into the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• No David DeCoteau movies
• And...*The Netflix Roulette Gambit* - After 10 movies, give the wheel a spin. Whatever unfamiliar title it lands on, I have to watch it

Let's hope this website doesn't make me hate it enough to punch it in its nonexistent face...

Halloween Horror Marathon 2014: I stand before you a man transformed...Mostly because I'm sitting.

So, 3 years and running, and I have to say that I've learned a thing or two to show for it all. Let's just say that my sensibilities and grasp has definitely expanded. The truth is every single one of these movies from best to worst has been and can be fun. Not in a "Wait until I get _____ to sit through this shit" kinda way (that I reserve for Tyler Perry movies), but as an experience. It is what you make of it, and while I definitely won't recommend EVERYTHING I watch (If you're a single woman that lives alone who would watch The Sentinel with OR without me, I might marry you), I will say that you can enjoy yourself with the right approach. Bear that in mind as you power through the coming list as I powered each of these movies. The rules are as always...

No Prior knowledge of the movie

No investigation into the movie

I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion

Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...

And, of course...No David DeCoteau movies

This year, however, I'm adding a NEW rule...which is starting to seem like an annual thing. I promise it's not, but with the introduction of Netflix Roulette into my world, how could I not put this to use in this setting? So, I've decided that for every 5th movie (or 10th, depending on my progress this go 'round) I will give the Roulette wheel a spin. If it lands on something I've never seen within 3 tries, I'll watch it. So...

• The Netflix Roulette Gambit - Whatever unfamiliar title it lands on, I have to watch it

Alright, here we go.

If you know where this comes from, I'm sorry. I know. I saw it too...

Halloween Horror Marathon 2013: This is No Place for Techno Music...

*Note*-- As a lead-in to my annual October marathon, I am re-presenting my "journey" up to this point as I hunt for as many horror movies I can watch in a single month for the 4th consecutive year...

So, the last movie I watched as of the moment I'm writing this was edited like a 90's sports reel...

I've got nothing to add to that. I just want you to be able to imagine what I'm sitting through sometimes.

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• No investigation into the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion*
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• And, of course...No David DeCoteau movies

The first year I did this, I watched the original Maniac, a movie Gene Siskel tapped out on in disgust. Recently, the remake was added on Netflix. And by that I mean very recently, as in a couple of days ago. Will I watch it? Well, obviously the answer's "yes."

Halloween Horror Marathon 2013: Just ONCE I'd like for "SOMEBODY!!" to ACTUALLY Help...And for it to be a Complete Stranger that Shows Up Out of Nowhere

*Note*-- As a lead-in to my annual October marathon, I am re-presenting my "journey" up to this point as I hunt for as many horror movies I can watch in a single month for the 4th consecutive year...

It HAS dawned on me that this process may be slowly driving me insane. Don't let that go ignored. I'm also pretty sure that "Hillbilly Torture Chamber" could be a good band name which also may or may not be an indication of my mental health. That said, I've noticed the trend that a considerable number of the movies I've seen this year have claimed to be based on or inspired by "true events." I won't say which ones, but I do feel like I should expand upon why that irks the hell outta me...

It's a fuggin' lie.

Yeah, I doubt it...

Yeah, I'm not gonna get into a lengthy diatribe or nuanced dismantling of the term. I don't have an hour and neither do you, so let's get on with the rules.

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• No investigation into the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion*
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• And, of course...No David DeCoteau movies

After doing this for 2 years straight, the trickiest part of this whole process for me is finding things I haven't seen. This is why I've watched so much crap from the past couple of years. I fear this experiment may have peaked early...in terms of film quality. I'm not stoppin' until this legitimately breaks me, and I DON'T GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT!!

Halloween Horror Marathon 2013: "I don't understand...WHAT'S out there, Rachel!?!?" - Is it too soon to use "Re-Bloodening" again...?

*Note*-- As a lead-in to my annual October marathon, I am re-presenting my "journey" up to this point as I hunt for as many horror movies I can watch in a single month for the 4th consecutive year...

So, here we are in the lovely month of October yet again. That, of course, means a revisit to everyone's favorite genre: Horror. I know, I know...It's not really everyone's favorite, but it is the one I hear most often referred to as someone's favorite. But why is that? I think it's because the horror genre is such a far-reaching form of narrative that's ultimately about "what happens to people." And that can be revealing in so many ways...as well as make it ripe for conversation.

So, why am I doing this...?

I dunno. I forgot. Wasn't I supposed to write a retrospective on Scream...?

The rules are simple! And yeah, I am definitely keeping the added rule from last year if I can help it...

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• No investigation into the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• And finally...Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• No David DeCoteau movies

Well then, let's get started! Full disclosure: I watched the first movie on this list a couple of nights early. I had no choice though since Netflix was yanking it on the 1st, but I did plan to watch it first months in advance. And that movie is...

Halloween Horror Marathon 2012: "Don't come any closer!!"

*Note*-- As a lead-in to my annual October marathon, I am re-presenting my "journey" up to this point as I hunt for as many horror movies I can watch in a single month for the 4th consecutive year...

It's down to the wire! I'm sure at this point that last year's record will go unbroken for now, but there are still a few more days left in the month. And frankly, I've got no reason to stop now...even after watching Frogs. I miss the days of Blood Monkey...

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• No investigation into the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• And no David DeCoteau movies!

Let's see how deep the rabbit hole goes this time...

Halloween Horror Marathon 2012: "Why are You Doing This...?"

*Note*-- As a lead-in to my annual October marathon, I am re-presenting my "journey" up to this point as I hunt for as many horror movies I can watch in a single month for the 4th consecutive year...

If I keep this up, I think I'm gonna start titling each one of these blogs a cliched line from the horror genre that needs to never be written or uttered again. I cannot tell you the number of times I've heard a marginally talented actress pose that same question to some husky dude in overalls, flannel, or a jumpsuit. It's kind of a pet peeve now because one thing I know for sure is that there is no worthwhile answer to that question in the first place (nevermind the fact that it rarely even gets a response - making the exchange pointless). A window into the mind of the monster ruins the mystique, and the unknown is what fuels horror. And if Rob Zombie understood that, his movies wouldn't suck. I'm getting sidetracked...

The month of October continues, and so too does the marathon. For this round, I'm gonna pack in as many movies as I can find on Netflix alone with the word "zombie" in the title. I'm betting I'll hit at least 20, but there's only one way to find out. In any case, the same rules apply...

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• No investigation into the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...
• And no David DeCoteau movies!

Let's get started. I've got a lot of arguments in bunkers/basements to get through...

Halloween Horror Marathon 2012: It BEGINS AGAIN!!!

*Note*-- As a lead-in to my annual October marathon, I am re-presenting my "journey" up to this point as I hunt for as many horror movies I can watch in a single month for the 4th consecutive year...

It's that time o' year again, and by comparison I'm actually behind by a few days. Nonetheless, let the horror movie marathon begin!!! Last go'round, I made it to 107 movies in a single month. This year, I hope to exceed that number but I'm not deluded. I know what that entails, so clearly my lowered standards are about to make a "triumphant" return. The rules are as simple as ever...

• No Prior knowledge of the movie
• No investigation into the movie
• I have to have never seen it OR not seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• And finally...Once the credits start (or I pass the 1:30 min. mark), there is NO TURNING BACK...

This year, I have only ONE additional rule...

• No David DeCoteau movies...Don't ask. If you don't know, just don't...

What will follow are immediate responses, overviews, and/or mini reviews of the movies I watch for the purpose of keeping track of things as well as expressing my feelings on what I just saw as succinctly as possible. With that said, here...we...go!

Halloween Horror Marathon 2011: Night of the Blood House of Skulls in the Mouth of Hell of the Dead II: The Re-Bloodening

*Note*-- As a lead-in to my annual October marathon this year, I am re-presenting my "journey" up to this point as I hunt for as many horror movies I can watch in a single month for the 4th consecutive year...

It's down to the wire, and I've put more time into this than I have making a costume. But what can I say, really? This is, honestly, far more fun than it should be and I'm starting to think that 100 movies is attainable. It's also just as informative as I thought it would be because I love observing cliches. The best way to upend expectation is to know what's expected. Plus, seeing this many horror movies is enough of a confidence boost to make me believe I could make my own. Or, at least steer one in the right direction...which is to say, as far away from anything resembling John Boorman's film of Exorcist II: The Heretic as possible.

So, let's get into it. My rules are still simple:

• No prior knowledge
• No investigation into a title
• Never seen it or haven't seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the opening credits start (or the equivalent amount of time has passed), there's no turning back...

I just realized the best part of this is no one knows what applies to what but me...

Halloween Horror Marathon 2011: "You guys...This isn't funny."

*Note*-- As a lead-in to my annual October marathon this year, I am re-presenting my "journey" up to this point as I hunt for as many horror movies I can watch in a single month for the 4th consecutive year...

So, at some point in the middle of Maniac!, I stared deep into the craggy face of Joe Spinell and a thought flashed into my head. Can I watch 100 horror movies in one month? I think the answer is "yes." This is a completely reachable goal with the stipulations I've already set for myself...

• No prior knowledge
• No investigation into a title
• Never seen it, or haven't seen it recently enough to form an opinion
• Once the movie's opening credits start (or the equivalent amount of time), there is no turning back...

Obviously, standards of selection just took a punch in the dick. I haven't found the movie to break me yet, but the month isn't over yet...

Halloween Horror Marathon 2011: It Began on The 6th of October...

*Note*-- As a lead-in to my annual October marathon this year, I am re-presenting my "journey" up to this point as I hunt for as many horror movies I can watch in a single month for the 4th consecutive year...

Horror movies don't tend to get much attention throughout the year. You may see the occasional release in the summer or the odd December release in theaters, but generally speaking, it seems as though the genre is ignored until October rolls around. I can't lie. I'm a little guilty of this too. It's not that I don't pay attention to horror movies at all, but they definitely take a backseat to other genre indulgences. That's why I think of October as an "appreciation month." It also doesn't hurt that it's the one time in the year when you don't have to work so hard to convince most people to watch a horror movie.

I have a completely unfounded theory. I think that a greater understanding and appreciation of film as a narrative medium begins with horror. Beat changes, pacing, characterization, setting, lighting, the use of sound and music -- Every major element of a narrative film is essential to an effective horror film, and more exposure gives the viewer a better grasp of what makes a movie work. This isn't a thesis, so don't expect a defense or anything. I'm just saying that I can see what clicks and what doesn't, and I owe that to watching a metric shit-ton of movies with the words "Dead," "Blood," and/or "Night" in the title. That's why (aside from Halloween) I love October. Through this self-imposed focus on a single genre, I learn and that's the most important thing anyone can do in life. Sure, it might seem like a shallow and superfluous venture. But like everything else, the experience is what you make of it...

This experience in particular teaches you the value of a change of pants.