Here We are Again, Huh...?

Terence Crutcher, an unarmed Black American dealing with car trouble, was shot and killed by police officers from the Tulsa PD. The initial report from the officer (Betty Shelby) who fired the fatal shots claimed that he was "uncooperative" and did not hold his hands in the air for full visibility. Well, that's a lie.

And she's not the first to lie about the interaction with a black person shortly before the untimely death of that black person. Even worse, Terence Crutcher wasn't even the only unarmed Black American to be shot and killed by police within a week, and as I'm writing this sentence, it's ONLY FUCKING THURSDAY!!!* Can you believe that we're still in a place where we have to talk about this type of thing? Given all that we've consistently seen, and yet this is still where we are. No change. No progress. Just the same excuses.

Red, Blue, or Green: Politics Nuzlocke Challenge

If no one gets that reference, I'll be severely disappointed...

The time has come in the presidential election cycle where we're all bellyaching over the presumptive nominees of the two major parties. Usually, this is mildly conjectural seeing as most of us rarely have all of the information needed to form the best opinion possible. However, things couldn't be clearer in 2016 if they were being viewed through a freshly-made window on a day with the brightest skies.

One of these expressions PERFECTLY capture the feelings of most on these choices...

Now's not the time to ponder how the hell we got here. For the most part, we already know. And we also know that half of this image could've been just as bad if not a little worse...

Hence the typical reactions at this point in the cycle: rejection and...well, misplaced defiance. Now, if you're one of those who are declaring that you're not gonna vote because reasons, fine. Nobody really cares, to be honest. And you're really not that unique in the grand scheme of this or any modern election. That kinda applies to those of you proudly voting for a 3rd party candidate too, but there's one major difference. Your vote is more than likely being pissed away and you know it. However, you're not making a statement or a positive difference.

This is the part where you probably think that I'm gonna point fingers and say "if Trump wins the election, it'll be YOUR fault." Well, I'm not. That's not on you any more than his nomination is seeing as if you're thinking of voting for Jill Stein or Gary Johnson, you probably didn't vote for Donald Trump at any point. What is your fault is thinking that anyone in the mainstream knows or cares who either of those people are. They don't. And yes, that matters. To take a step back, a key reason we wound up with this squalid lot for presidential picks can be summed up in two words that explain A LOT of things: Brand recognition. That should be self-explanatory, and if it isn't, I don't have the energy or interest in breaking that down right now. It's already been done. So, unless you're reading this while residing in a "Red State," voting for a 3rd party is as potent and meaningful an action as shopping at a Whole Foods.

I know my surroundings...

The long and short of it is I don't like the political landscape in America right now any more than...seemingly most of the civilized world. Why should I? One candidate is the kind of career politician that's shrouded in scandals, justifiable or not. The other is a bigoted moron. There may never have been a more extreme example of the "lesser of two evils" in history. But if there's one thing we've all had to get used to as adults, it's placing a vote for a candidate we don't like simply because they're the best option we've got this time. And if you don't believe me, please tell us all how enthusiastically you voted for this ball of charisma...

Guys! Guys! Settle down...

Things absolutely could and should be better, but they're not. We've still got a LONG way to go on so many fronts before we get there, and taking a detour for personal pride is a luxury.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to practicing holding my nose in the ballot booth...again.

Thanks, America!!

Fans are Dumb Dummies...or Possibly Worse

The internet has provided us all with a wide birth of information and every opportunity to complain about it. That's sorta what's about to happen here, so let's not pretend that it's not about to go down. Let's talk film adaptations for a bit, shall we?

Without getting into a lengthy spiel that could turn into a rant, the whole point of an adaptation is to represent the material honestly so that the results resonate with the familiar and the uninitiated. You can't and shouldn't make a movie for only one crowd or the other. This defeats the purpose of adapting preexisting material, no matter the size or demographic of the fan-base. If you've done a great job at bringing an idea to life on-screen, then the fans will love your work in addition to the original material and you'll have made new fans out of those who didn't know about this property because of the movie they've now seen.

Not in spite of it, you jack-ass.

I bring this all up because of a special turn of events in the realm of film adaptations: The SPECTACULAR failure of Jem and The Holograms. Yeah, you were probably expecting a "Truly, truly, TRULY outrageous" here if you're in the know, but that's just predictable and we're better than that. Besides, the only people truly outraged right now are the execs that backed the production of that dumpster fire. If you threw in some of the estimated $5 million to make that colossal shit-show, you'd probably be a little angry too considering the turn of events.

After 2 weeks of embarrassing and depressingly dismal returns, Jem and the Holograms was pulled from theaters.

Technically, YOU'RE not even in the movie. So, don't feel bad...

What was your plan, sir? -- Resident Evil Villains

It's been a while since I've taken the time to address the missteps of any villain's plans or actions, but revisiting material can bring things to new light. Hindsight is 20/20, after all, and that highlights a common thread among many a bad guy. Hence, this new approach to antagonist analysis...

What was your plan, sir?

Here, we'll take a look at the more absurd or embarrassingly stupid villainous plots and acts. And there is no better place to start than with these idiots...

No, I'm not gonna break down the many flaws of the Umbrella Corporation business plan. Cracked.com has already done a decent job of showcasing the degree to which this company's bottom line makes no sense. I'm looking at specific cases of idiocy. Like exhibit A over here...

Halloween Horror Marathon: Once more...Into the Breach!!

It dawned on me recently that after 5 years in a row of marathon-ing several hundred horror movies, I haven't actually taken the time to parse through the load and point to the ones worth recommending. So as I sit through Scream 4 again (which would never be on any such list if I'm writing it), I'll also take a minute to look back on the years past for the best (or, let's be honest, passable/watchable) movies I experienced. Let's get underway, shall we?

1. The Sentinel - This was the first decent and creepy movie I saw, and I really can't think of anything bad to say about it.
2. The Fog (1980) - You could do A LOT worse, and that's why it gets a recommendation.
3. Prince of Darkness (John Carpenter) - A solid enough effort from Carpenter that's completely under the radar and worth a look for the uninitiated.
4. Graduation Day - Watch this for an appearance from a young Vanna White.
5. R.O.T.: Reunion of Terror - This movie gains a recommendation solely because of how fucking stupid it is...
6. Five Across the Eyes - This movie is an endurance test. Scratch that. It's THE endurance test! If you can make it to the end, you're ready for anything.
7. In The Mouth of Madness - Another little-known title from John Carpenter that deserves a viewing.
8. Trick 'r Treat - Far from flawless, it's still a valiant effort.
9. Hell Night - This movie introduced me to a new favorite slasher movie character in the proto-William Zabka form of "Seth." That guy made the movie for me.

   

   And ladies...what's left of him is single...
   

Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Jigsaw is Full of S#!%

Many things have been said about the Saw franchise over the years, but the one thing that's always been a problem for me is this simple fact:

Jigsaw is just a sanctimonious hypocrite of a shit-lord that should and could have been shot in the face in the first movie.

And that's the least of this series' litany of extremely convoluted issues. Does this cancer-riddled prick own an entire warehouse district? Are we really to believe that this half-dead douche and a couple of petty sociopaths were able to set up this many "traps" in advance? How the hell are ANY of these people managing to afford the equipment necessary to construct these traps? On whose salary? The cop!? Get the fuck outta here...

I had a sneaking suspicion that the Saw franchise might have had a more noticeable issue that applies to many movies in the horror genre, but memory of the middle block of the series was fuzzy at best. There's only one way to solve that problem...

1. (103) Saw II - Right outta the gate, you've got no justification for or feasible solution to the situation that this first guy has been placed in. Basic premise lost in the opening.
2. (104) Saw III - Well, I guess that makes the two guys from the first movie pretty stupid.

   

   "Refresh my memory: Am I appreciating life enough or is it these other guys?"

3. (105) Saw IV - Are we just gonna admit at this point that Jigsaw has access to the scripts? What's that in your hand, Tobin?
4. (106) Saw V - Jigsaw saying that "Killing is distasteful" has got to be the most hypocritical statement ever made.

   

   "'Killing is distasteful!?' Shit! How am I supposed to get outta this....?"

5. (107) Comforting Skin - Mmmmm, potatoes, huh?  Can I get mine with a side of passive aggression, honey!?
6. (108) Archivo 253 - Jeez, you just couldn't wait to ram that night-vision into our face...
7. (109) Let Us Prey - As if cops don't come off bad enough in this genre...
8. (110) The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death - "Stop being horrible!" shouted a little girl who seemed to be trying to warn me about what I was to see...
9. (111) Joyride 3: Roadkill - Meth-addled sex is the scariest thing in this.
10. (112) Tormented - Creepy Rabbits are magic...but first and foremost, creepy.
11. (113) Hollows Grove - You can't put Mykelti Williamson in the opening of your found footage movie! Then Lance Henriksen shows up later too!? *sigh*

    

    And no portion of your soundtrack should come from a band like this one.

12. (114) Skew - "I don't know, man. It's the same shit." Indeed it is...
13. (115) The House on Sorority Row - Any prank that involves a gun is probably not gonna be funny.
14. (116) Sorority Row - Can't decide if these movies hate Greek Life (which is fine by me) or just don't understand pranks...
15. (117) Wes Craven's New Nightmare - Stop hanging up on everybody, Heather! Damn...
16. (118) The Descent - Finally, a reason to not be mad at Lion's Gate!!
17. (119) Out of the Dark (1995) - Chinese ghost possession seems way more fun in general.
18. (120) Mulberry St. - Rat-faced zombies...
19. (121) The Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence - A franchise determined to disappear up its own ass.

    

    The only reaction Tom Six's desperate attempts to shock deserve.

20. (122) Neverlake - But...she didn't deserve that...
21. (123) Dust Devil - Like a vacuum...because it sucks.
22. (124) High Lane - I cannot believe this song is an element at play here...
23. (125) Infernal - This is going full-Cloverfield right away...Not the best sign, especially given that the writing has an undeniable misogynist bent.
24. (126) Paranormal Haunting: Curse of The Blue Moon Inn - The laziest found-footage movies don't offer explanations for how or why cameras are set up. This is the laziest.
25. (127) Haunted House: Demon Poltergeist Attack - This may confirm that Brits are the WORST at making found-footage movies. Unless this was supposed to be comedy. Then, top marks, mate!
26. (128) Find Me - Bursting out laughing at the opening scene is always the best sign...
27. (129) The Disembodied - Oh no...Not Full Moon!! And directed by Charles Band!? God.......damnit.
28. (130) The Gingerdead Man - Recording Gary Busey on a given weekend excursion is no different from this opening...

    

    The hell do you mean this got sequels....?

29. (131) Kristy - You don't even have to ask who hurt this writer...
30. (132) Evil - Budget didn't include actual fish, huh? This does not bode well....

So, the Saw series has a fairly common handicap found in horror franchises as suspected. The longer a series tends to last (or if a series is established at all in some cases), the more likely it is that the villain(s) of the series will take center stage. This is how Jason Vorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, and the like have become icons of the genre. The problem with this should be obvious though: Horror icons become parody because of this. Horror movies are about what happen to people. So, focusing on the characters doing the killing only reduces the effect of the film. You wanna create a true horror icon? Make a movie that effectively and legitimately scares viewers! No, not 90 minutes of watching unlikeable people sleep until a loud noise happens or you go the route of a screamer video on Youtube! Create a sense of dread! Build atmosphere! And for fuck's sake, STOP TRYING TO IDENTIFY WITH THE KILLER. YOU JACKASSES!!!!

*sigh*

Got that off my chest....

Ending on a bit of a whimper this year, but that's entirely the movie's fault. Well...that's not entirely true now that I think about it. After all, life really decided to be a major impediment to the viewing process. Power outages, internet signal drops, my Playstation dying, my TV dying, and THE BIGGEST FLOOD TO HIT THIS SECTION OF THE SOUTHEAST IN AGES!!!!!
Let's just say the marathon was an uphill battle this year. However, not totally discouraging. Even with every conceivable roadblock and impediment, we managed 132 movies. That's only 8 shy of last year, so setting a new record is possible even while working and juggling personal relationships. Besides, you don't watch The Gingerdead Man and call it quits on horror. It can't all be for nothing...

Til next year!

Halloween Horror Marathon 2015: Does New World Pictures Even Exist Anymore...?

Everything in Hell is apparently dicks. I don't mean jerks, by the way. According to the Hellraiser movies, you won't find that dog that was mean to you that time in middle school. We're talkin' literal phalluses. Phalli? Phallossus? Did that sentence even make sense?

I hope not because that would make it that much more like the Hellraiser franchise. Very few horror franchises can or will leave you with the incomprehensible NEED to say at multiple points in time: "What in the fast-fuck is this convoluted nonsense!?*" And trust that there is a legitimate reason for that which speaks to a fundamental problem with the franchise. Specifically, that it shouldn't even be a franchise.

The movies themselves can inform you of that fact, but more on that later.