Halloween Horror Marathon: What Have We Learned...?

If you spend an entire month watching movies from one genre, you start to pick up on a few tropes. Yeah, I recognize that as the staggering understatement that it is. That you caught that doesn't make you better than me! Y'know...that was combative and I'm sorry. The truth is you build such a familiarity with the usual markers that each of these stories hit spanning across sub-genres that you could practically write your own paint-by-numbers movie after a while. In some cases, it shows that the film-makers did exactly that. But I digress...

I telegraphed that joke as much as you telegraphed your ending!

The more exposure to tropes of any genre you have just makes their absurdity more apparent, and that's why I'm here. Because absurdity is hilarious to me. That, and there are plenty of tropes or "rules" that most people already know about the horror genre thanks to Scream. But let me assure you that there are even more that those movies completely missed, the writers had no knowledge of, or they simply wound up playing into themselves. There are a variety of ways to survive a horror movie (living it or watching it), but they vary as much as the genre itself. And it always requires a legit assessment of the situation. So, where to begin...?

Well...

• Covering up ANY accidental murder will only result in a vengeful ghost or psychotic on a rampage.
• No one that has ever uttered the words "We need to get our stories straight" should be your friend.
• Dialog from a British horror movie made in the '70's sounds exactly how you think it sounds...A mini-play performed by Stewie Griffin.
• Japanese ghosts are just assholes.

  

  I LEFT THE HOUSE!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, KAYAKO!!!

• There is no excuse for not understanding how zombies work. Always try a head blow first.
• Asking a large person in a blood-stained sweater or coveralls "Why are you doing this?" has never and WILL never produce a satisfactory response.
• If you find that you ARE being stalked by a killer, be sure to first determine what you're dealing with. If the circumstances involve a death connected to anything spiritual (abandoned church, Indian burial ground (also includes Native American), haunted nunnery, etc.), then you may be stuck with a vengeful spectre. Anything else opens the flood gates to anything from killer mutants or rednecks. Be on the lookout for Hillbilly Torture Chambers regardless.
• You will never hear a banjo that you could or should like. If you do...YOU'RE THE KILLER!!*
• If you're an untouchable zombie-killing bad-ass, you're just ruining the movie you're in.

  

  You are EVERYTHING wrong with your franchise, and that's even if you never wore those pants.
• Every story told around a campfire should be seen as a precursor to the next 48 hours of life-endangering events you and your friends will face.
• Nothing is more endangered when documenting paranormal activity than your camera, so don't carry or travel in close proximity to one. However, cameras will always remain unbroken AND hold a steady charge until you die.
• Jump scares are nature's tepid warnings...usually...
• Certain truths are universal: Nothing good for you has ever come in a bucket, and breaking into an abandoned _______ tends to breed negative results.
• The length of time a group of people remain oblivious to the ongoing deaths of their peers can have an adverse effect on the length of a movie. The longer they don't know, the longer the movie feels...
• The crusty old stranger that for God knows what reason always hangs out at that gas station on the way to the camping spot you heard about is right about that death curse.

  

  Don't mind the spittle. It's the urgency of the message, you see...
• If you encounter zombies, everyone will refer to them as ANYTHING but zombies. Examples include "walkers," "biters," "lurkers," "returners," "the infected," "rotters," etc.
• Okay...

  

  ...just...don't. You know better.
• Surprisingly, the Law of Road House applies to confrontations with psycho killers as it does everywhere--"Be nice until it's time to not be nice."
• Everybody else drops the weapon when fighting off a masked psychopath or monster. Be the change you want to see in the world.
• No one should know Kung Fu in your horror movie unless EVERYONE knows Kung Fu in your horror movie.
• Vampires are usually lame and avoidable. They mostly behave like awkward teenage boys that don't know how to approach people. Which is why vampires are at their best when they're butt-ugly. Then they'll have to attack you.
• Werewolf transformations are mostly hilarious. Or dirt-cheap, and subsequently hilarious!!
• Horror franchises DO have an expiration date. On average, the 3rd movie is where everything falls apart. And there is no such thing as a "horror trilogy," Randy!!!!
• EVERY crackpot scientists' idea is "just crazy enough to work." It's just a matter of what side of that experiment you fall on...You don't wanna be the variable. You are, though.
• When vacationing in ANY cabin, expect shenanigans. Strange noises need not be investigated. Whatever it is will come find you.
• The term "Men of Science" is the biggest of warning signs when it comes to pretty much every experimental threat ranging from the supernatural to random mutation.
• I promise you that your friend who suggested you all take this road trip did NOT get his engine checked. Ask--No, DEMAND he stop at a Pep Boys before that jeep inevitably breaks down in the middle of nowhere. At least then, it's totally not your fault.
• Crazy and stupid are not the same thing.

Case in point.

• Are you black? Don't worry! You actually won't likely be the first to die. But every factor is stacked against you so you probably will die...So, nothing about your life has really changed.
• No, you will not cover more ground by splitting up. I bet the road trip jackass suggested that, didn't he? Stop listening to him!!
• Why the fuck are you wearing high heels in the woods!? That's stupid. You're stupid.
• Cops are useless. Ask your black fri--Oh...
• Mutant hillbillies hate sleeping bags. ESPECIALLY if they're played by Kane Hodder.
• Don't own cats or associate with anyone that owns cats. They're just a heart-stopping jump-scare waiting to happen in a tense situation that will callously eat your corpse once you've been murdered.

Yeah, I'm shocked you suck too! You're the fucking WORST!!

• Friends and neighbors need to goddamn ANNOUNCE THEMSELVES!!!
• If you've been through at least 2 nightmarish scenarios involving a uniquely themed serial killer, then you are the beneficiary of what is known as a "character shield." None of this list applies to you, and you're as bad for the story as the zombie-killer. Please leave.
• Unless you're expecting someone, ignore any knock at the door. No one will be there except a cameraman lurking awkwardly in your bushes. Actually, that'll happen even if you're expecting someone. Don't answer any doors.
• Avoid *this* child...

  

  Every movie I've seen her in is terrible.*

• Actually, avoid pretty much all kids. Especially the British ones. They're horrible.
• Anyone on the mountain retreat that has a dead sibling is not to be trusted. Anyone.
• Hey, are you the most capable among your friends and family? Well, the only way this remains a horror scenario is if you aren't around to help. So, make yourself scarce before someone or something does it for you.
• In the event of an apocalypse, keep an eye on the guy that says ANYTHING about having to "protect his family" or any other self-serving statement. He will get you and everyone around him killed. That, or kill you himself.
• Husbands and/or fathers in a haunted house are ALWAYS the last to believe there's a threat, if they ever believe it at all. Show direct proof or just leave him behind. He's just gonna be the one to get possessed anyway...
• Never move into an apartment or house if your neighbors are all 30-40 years older than you.
• Your kid doesn't have an imaginary friend. YOU have a supernatural problem.

Okay, my brain is wearing down. And after watching every movie in the Friday the 13th franchise in a single sitting, that's fairly justified! I'm sure there are more cliches, tropes, and observations to be taken away from the horror genre that I overlooked. If you can think of any I missed, leave a comment! That would be...

*-- ...and possibly your own uncle.
**-- I know she's in her 20's now. You are NOT ruining this joke. SHUT UP!!!!