The Villain Voice: November 2017

Another year, another 100+ horror movies to watch. That's been the modus operandi for these past...6 years!? That really crept up on me. I might have to stop talking about breaking a world record and actually DO it!

Of course, trying to do anything you've never done before requires prep. So, that has been the order of the day. Or days. You get the point!

That's why the goal of this year's run was to test the extents to which I was able push while compensating for a social life, work schedule, and whatever else might arise. And that means that this year's marathon operated under different rules. Gone is the focus solely on undiscovered territory (for now), and in its place is the inclusion of entire franchises when and wherever possible. With these adjustments made, I can say that I learned a couple of things that should help towards the larger goal of watching more than 250+ movies in a single month!

As for this year's run...

It Follows - Beautifully shot, a little over-written/hamfisted so far, good job at creating sense of unease. But I've got a question: How the fuck'd he get up there!? You know what part I mean...
The Unborn - Did she just say "All-timers"...?
The Disappointments Room - There's an actual ghost dog in this...and bad writing...and cliches from top to bottom...
Dead Awake (2016) - So, teenage me would've kicked this thing's ass? You would too seeing as this is a common enough occurrence that documentaries about it exist.
Gerald's Game - That was the voice of Batman, wasn't it...?
Be Afraid - DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! But really? Sleep paralysis from you too...?
Dark Signal - Largely aimless plot that only seemed to have its own climax in mind, but hedged their bets on what can only be described as laughably stupid.
Clown - Clowning...Not even once.
The Black Room - Why does this feel like it was written by and for sad perverts...?
Patchwork - There's a *very* slight rape-revenge vibe here, and it almost turned me away...until the "Owlcat"...

And you're probably thinkin' this starts weird...Just wait.
A Dark Song - You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes...you might find...you get what you need.
Train to Busan - So...That's a "no" on the glass doors then?
American Poltergeist - Can't tell if the writing, acting, or directing is bad? Why not all 3!?
American Poltergeist 2 - Just as bad as the first with a nonsensical jab at Obamacare to boot.
The Devil's Candy - Meh. Could've been worse...
House on Willow Street - That girl got a demon in her...
Demonic - Okay, movie, but you cheated to get that ending.
Dig Two Graves - Kids these days and their Faustian deals...
The Void - Not for everyone, but it's so good it should be!

This is the least spoiler-y image. You should watch this!
Let's Be Evil - A reinvention of the old "creepy kid" trope, is it?
Shelley - How is evil babby formed?
Don't Kill It - Dolph is trying at times, at least.
The Forgotten - That's a whole new meaning to "Too stupid to exist," I guess...
First Born - I mean...the old lady had a point though...
The Eyes of My Mother - It's like a case-study in unnatural decisions, ie. Why I hate most art films, but at least interesting and realistic enough.
The Duplex - The way you're handling this situation...kinda cringe...Note to self: Nigeria at the time of this film's production? HEAVY on the patriarchy...
The Devil's Dolls - And the award for Stupidest Cop goes to...Scratch that! EVERYONE in this is so dumb it's hilarious!!
Intruder (2016) - Wait. Is that MOBY!?
Antibirth - OH MY GAHD!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAAAAAACE!?
Viral - This starts is out with a sassy black friend...So, expect antiquated tropes...
Blair Witch - I chose to watch a found footage movie. Knowingly. I deserve this.
Beyond the Gates - The throwback tone is immediate and deliberate, but I'm not convinced it was necessary.
Yoga Hosers - Kevin Smith deserves a stiff slap.
Asylum of Darkness - A 2-hour film that was 3 hours too long.
10 Cloverfield Lane - The ending gets a little silly, but it's otherwise great.

Challenge: Find ONE pic from this movie where John Goodman doesn't look like your disappointed dad.
Here Alone - It's getting easier to outshine The Walking Dead every week.
Boys in the Trees - Hey, soundtrack...how old is this movie again?
Raw - Live and let live, man.
Carnage Park - Quite the cop-out of an ending...
Cult of Chucky - Y'know, if you survived the rampage of a serial killing Cabbage Patch Kid, you'd probably be a gun-collecting survivalist too
Evolution (2015) - This is why I workout during some movies. Otherwise, I'd take naps...
The Charnel House - Parents should always be leery of imaginary friends.
Abattoir - Yet another case against small towns with some middling to awful performances to go along with the writing.
Havenhurst - It was only a matter of time before a movie involving H.H. Holmes came my way...
The Windmill - When you make awful people the main cast of your horror movie, I officially don't and won't care when they die. Why do some filmmakers not get this...?
XX - This is a unique perspective...in some cases, anyway. I didn't say *good* though...
The Axe Murders of Villisca - Denny feels like he was written as a 12 yr old.
Under the Shadow - Every culture hates ghosts. That's for sure...
The Similars - abbr. review: More arguing in a room than the average zombie movie. Interesting concept though...
Satanic - Justin Chon is pretty much always a bad sign. No matter the situation.
The Transfiguration - Reference to Let the Right One In from a movie that's very Let the Right One In. Right down to the loathsome bullies.
Tank 432 - Paramilitary groups barks their names at each other while occasionally shooting at things.
The Secret of Evil - Generic and forgettable found footage en Español!!
Charlotte - Bad anthologies are like a supernatural punishment of their own accord.
A Haunting in Saginaw Michigan - You can always trust a director that calls himself "Prozak"...
Jurassic Shark - This feels like it stars nothing but the director's friends and blackmailed professors.

Yes, this is the level of quality you're dealing with...
Death Passage - Do ghosts usually set rope and pulley traps...?
WTF! - Perez Hilton is still a plague upon anything he appears in or touches even in 2017.
616: Paranormal Incident - Paint-by-numbers found footage movie, and nothing more.
American Mummy - This looks almost as bad as it sounds...is written...is directed...was performed...
Alice, Sweet Alice - Are we supposed to think she didn't do it?
Raiders of the Lost Shark - "Based on a true story lol jk?" That should tell you how clever this movie thinks it is...
Prom Night - Almost unbearably slow...
Prom Night II: Hello, Mary Lou - Mary Lou has a real communication problem.
Prom Night III: The Last Kiss - Seriously, she has no chill. This probably could've worked out fine otherwise, Mary Lou!
Prom Night IV: Deliver Us from Evil - So...Colin is a moron and this is all his fault
Prom Night (2008) - This shouldn't exist.
Office - Hostile work environments, lemme tell ya'...
The Babysitter - This is ridiculous...in a "shrug/cringe" kinda way. Not terrible, but far from great.
Death Spa - What the fuck is Ken Foree wearing...?

No joke, I might actually want this and if you really love me...
It Watches - This is thoroughly worth ignoring.
Islamic Exorcist - If I knew I was signing up for propaganda, this would've been less disappointing...
The Amityville Exorcism - That man's daughter is the same age he is.
Ataud Blanco - Would you kill someone else's kid to save your own? Don't.
General Cemetery - Homemade Ouija boards? You should ALWAYS go with Parker Bros.!
We Are Not Alone - Standard fare in the haunted house genre.
Scream - "The first one was good. The rest suck." - actual quote
Scream 2 - Even the first kills demand too much suspension of disbelief.
Scream 3 - At least the attemp tat a conclusion was made...mostly for the worst. But this being a Weinstein production makes this a little uncomfortable...
Scre4m - Sidney has officially killed 6 people, including her teenage cousin. These movies want us to ignore that.
My Soul To Take - You'd get an immediate F on that report.
I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House - If these walls could talk, they'd likely mumble pretentious nonsense.
Residue - I'll never get why transporters always look at the package.
Cube - Who filmed this community theatre production of a chamber play!?

Depicted here: The face I made for the next 2 movies
Cube 2: Hypercube - This is cartoonish garbage with a higher budget than its undeniably superior predecessor.
Cube Zero - This goes off the rails the instant a one-eyed man walks in...
The Possession Experiment - This main character has to be the most stereotypical Chad.
The Glass Coffin - This is a LOT of effort and planning to see a middle aged woman naked.
Cabin Fear - No one acts like an actual human, and the killer's identity is hardly a surprise.
Stay Alive - Disingenuous and hackneyed. Nothing more.
The Shelter - Is he gonna seek revenge against Jesus now...?
The Privileged - "The visual symbolism of the ending was too subtle," he said lyingly...
The Snare - Do these people not understand that there are options other than living in plague conditions...?
Razors - Nietzsche quotes...faith's already dwindling...and those knives look like a kitchen set...
24 Hours to Die - This is the best of the worst of 2017 for me.

One of 3 shots where the lead isn't smiling like a dope
Ravenwolf Towers - I don't like Costco Peter Dinklage.
Anomaly - Can't decide if the dad or the kids are the worst actors...
13 Demons - This movie ended on the same line that a DMX song starts.
The Gateway - Strange choice for the soundtrack, and the last jump-scare is lame, but otherwise adequate.
Friday the 13th (1980) - It feels longer than it is due to uneven pacing, but achieves its intended goals.
Friday the 13th pt.2 - This needed to justify its own existence, but the backstory gets a little muddled.
Friday the 13th pt. 3 - If ever there were a worse example of 3D filmmaking, I don't know what it is and don't want to know.
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter - Somewhere, there must be Mrs. Jarvis fanfiction about her life after abandoning her kids...
Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning - This marks the 2nd "new direction" for the franchise to be discarded.
Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives - The tropes most familiar to horror fans get played up the most in this entry, but knowingly and for the better.

And with that, the series finally found itself...
Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood - An odd entry in the franchise that still keeps the formula intact.
Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan - Longer than it has any right to be...
Jason Goes to Hell: Friday the 13th IX - This is a mess, and possibly the worst of the series. Actually, subtract the "possibly."
Jason X - Talk about a narrative dead end...
Freddy vs. Jason - Competent enough considering the numerous ways this could've failed.
Friday the 13th (2009) - This is a collection of tropes from the perception of the series more than anything else.
The Neon Demon - Nicholas Winding Refn seems to have a high opinion of his own work that his films only almost earn. Almost.
Tales of Halloween - Okay, this got dumb really quick.
Society - There's a definite upside to being a social reject.
Die Hard Dracula - I may have spoken too soon on what's the absolute worst thing I've seen this year...
Pulgasari - He's a Cute-asaurus!!

I mean, LOOKATHIM!!!!
The Evil Gene - Would've been better if Lance Henriksen was in it...Then I care at least about why he was in it...
Fear, Inc. - This goes the one step too far in a bad way.
Fear of Clowns 2 - A chore.
The Prowler - Not exactly how I'd spend a vacation, but maybe I'm just no fun...

What a ride! Obviously not as many bumps along the road as years past, but the experience was well worth it for what insight I gained. The Friday the 13th marathon alone revealed so much. For example, it's entirely possible to watch 12 movies in a single day. That means watching over 250 movies in a month is a manageable feat...but it'll take some consideration and planning. Stay tuned...

Now, what of recommendations or honorable mentions? There are a couple this year!

It Follows, Gerald's Game, Patchwork, Train to Busan, Dig Two Graves, The Void, The Eyes of My Mother, 10 Cloverfield Lane, Raw, The Similars, The Transfiguration; Alice, Sweet Alice; Scream, Cube, Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives, Society, and The Prowler

Anyone who's seen Night of the Living Dead will feel a familiar twinge of disgust...

And this year's worst?

The Disappointments Room, American Poltergeist 2, Intruder (2016), Asylum of Darkness, A Haunting in Saginaw Michigan, Jurassic Shark, American Mummy, Prom Night IV: Deliver Us from Evil, Islamic Exorcist, My Soul to Take, Cabin Fear, 24 Hours to Die, Jason Goes to Hell: Friday the 13th IX, Die Hard Dracula, and Fear of Clowns 2

He would do anything for love...but he won't pay the FX team...

I need a nap. Til next time...

In the meantime, go watch The Void. Have you seen The Void? Why aren't you watching The Void?

The Villain Voice

Friday, November 3, 2017

Halloween Horror Marathon: What Have We Learned...?

Halloween Horror Marathon 2017: Not a Fan of Cabins near Lakes...