No One is Being Served...'Cause You Guys Are Idiots!

I know what you're thinking...No, I'm not gonna start on your hair. It's a fuckin' catastrophe, but we've got bigger fish to fry here, boys. For starters, you're morons...


Let it just be known that I've never met a single person on the planet that would wear either of those shirts who wasn't immediately punch-able. Yet, that is not what bothers me the most about you two. Wade, it's really hard for me to ignore the fact that you and your buddy Max here incited this entire turn of events by playing on what is commonly known as a "Nigga Moment." As you two are just as stereotypical as the numbskulls you preyed upon, I know I'll have to explain to you exactly why it is that you're all assholes. I'll let Aaron McGruder take care of it...

No, this isn't my way of saying you killed that kid. Ham-fisted hack screenwriting did that to give your equally-ignorant and asinine opponents the motivation they needed (albeit weak) to beat you in the final dance-off. I'm breaking the fourth wall for you, I know and I'm not sorry. What I'm saying is you and your buddy Soul-Patch over here are entirely to blame for your very public albeit painfully stupid humiliation. I'm not even trying to help you out here. I just want you to know where you went wrong so maybe you'll know enough shame to get better haircuts and rethink your lives.

Just look at your plan for a moment: Challenge a group of hood-rat nobodies to a dance battle for $5,000 despite their only notoriety existing among audiences in a warehouse and this man:

A connoisseur of dance, ladies and gentlemen...  

And how exactly did you plan to win said dance battle against this group of aspiring back-up dancers? Well, it all hinged upon a plot-convenient rift among one dancer and the rest of that group over money that no one involved had actually taken the time to truly distribute properly because math. Once that rift took place, you somehow draft this guy to your team in an effort to match and copy your opponents' choreography despite the fact that you already made the challenge for reasons unknown well beforehand. So, to recap...You challenge a group of unknown dancers to direct competition for a sum of money that you can easily put up for wager but they can't. And the only guaranteed path to victory you had depended on a guy you had never met aligning himself with you to help you cheat in a warehouse dance off. You know what? I'm gonna say that again because it bears repeating...

Cheat...

...in...

...a WAREHOUSE DANCE OFF!!!!

I don't even know where to begin with where you've gone wrong in your life. I mean, I'm aware that it worked the first time. But look at how stupid your plan was and how lucky you had to be to succeed. Nothing proves this more clearly than your failure at your next showdown with the same petty jerks over a spot in a Lil' Kim vid--Okay, I need to stop right there. The $50,000 prize is totally worth the effort. I get that! But the idea that you and your rivals honestly seek to be featured in someone else's music video, more to the point Lil' Kim; a woman whose one consistent trait is not having back-up dancers in her videos...

"It's certainly not my face, LOL"

...baffles me on so many levels that I'm slamming into that 4th wall again. There seems to be this huge misconception that being a back-up dancer once is gonna make you famous. Now, if you can hear me clearly over the sound of the rest of the world laughing at you, let me tell you how and why this will never work. By law of averages, there only have been a handful of dancers to ever transition into stardom and you won't be one of them. There were, like...20 Fly Girls, fellas. Have a little perspective. Besides, things don't look better if we get into the differences gender can make in the equation. Can you name a single male dancer that transitioned into super-stardom through hip hop dance competitions? Wait, nevermind...you know one...

He's the future you're denying...

This isn't the path you want. For crying out loud, you had $5,000 to waste on a bet that was settled by Crip-walking. Consider stock options, for fuck's sake! I know those other guys are assholes, and they deserve to be put in their place. And between you and me...a lil' bit racist, but you can be better than them with ease. It's Wargames, Wade. The way to win is not to play.

Seriously, get the hell off the dance floor and outta the cultural zeitgeist, you plague!