Jeez! Guys, this is bad.

WHOA!! WAIT!!! Stop what you're doing right there! Guys, I know things look good right now but slow down. We really need to discuss a few things before you head into the shit-storm you're creating for yourselves. Alright, everybody take a knee...



There's a lot to cover here, folks, but first things first. Let's address your most obvious mistake: Leadership. I know it's post-apocalypse, and good leaders are as scarce as an untainted water supply. But there is never and has never been a logical or remotely justifiable reason to follow ANY man that makes the conscious decision to look like THIS:

Do I even have to say it...?

Look at this shit-lord! What could he have possibly said that could've convinced ANY OF YOU that HE could lead you all to a bathroom, much less success!? Bizarro Van Winkle over here was destined for failure the instant he put on a fuckin' BLAZER to accentuate his look in the POST-APOCALYPSE!!! I won't even get into the gold chain because that's a dark tunnel that no one returns from. The fact of the matter is this dude looks like a '90's era rapper, and the '90's were terrible as proven by his hair!! Look, I'm not saying this is supposed to be a populous movement. You're a gang of marauders on the rise! But if you guys intend to strike fear into the hearts of the public, then by all means you are making the worst possible selection. Who would ever be afraid of this man? Investment bankers? THEY DON'T EXIST ANYMORE!!!! The world as you knew it is over, people! Look at yourselves for just a minute, would you? Is there any way that you could walk the streets of this or any major city dressed as you are now and not be confused for a non-threatening fetishist?

Try to argue to the contrary. I dare you...

I feel like you guys have taken all the wrong cues from Mad Max. As cool as the guy may be, Lord Humungus is NOT a role model nor is his gang. For one thing, you need to make a name for YOURSELVES. Hell, what do you even call yourselves? "The Shadow Warriors?" Look, that doesn't play. You guys don't even specialize in stealth. At best, you've got ONE adequate ninja on the roster. You're gonna have to do a little better than that. "The Black Warriors?" I'm just gonna say it...I find that racially offensive, and your buddy Williams over here should too. Really, what the hell kind name is that anyway? You've got this weird hard-on for a "darkness" theme, and the goth thing died once they made sequels to The Crow. Your whole mindset is tragically stuck in the worst decade I've personally experienced, and that has to stop. IF you absolutely HAVE to take cues from other gangs, look at "The Southern Cross" or "The Kingdom of Shura" from across the other pond in the land of Hokuto no Ken. The only guy that could stop them was an ultra-violent mystical Bruce Lee. You guys are getting your asses handed to you by a couple of twins in denim vests. That brings me to my next point: Strategy.

This reeks of desperation on multiple levels...

DAMNIT!! Guys, this is NOT how to do things! Okay...Linda tells me that these two guys were giving you trouble beforehand, and THAT'S why you stooped this low*. But do you really think that's gonna make things better for you? You just pissed off the guys that you already have a hard time dealing with, and to make matters worse, you gave them motivation to come after YOU instead of the other way around! Do you not understand how this whole gang thing works? YOU set the stage and pecking order, not them. You're supposed to be the big dog on this block, but you're acting like a bunch of mice. I hear that Jimmy Lee's Tiger style is devastating, but isn't he secretly on your side anyway? Whatever...My point is you're not taking advantage of your strengths. I'll give you credit for acknowledging the fact that the denim twins aren't experts in Parkour, but you forgot a very important fact about your own line-up. Neither is Abobo...

Moments prior to catastrophe

This is a terrible idea. I can describe our friend in a lot of ways. Strong, loyal, a talented sousaphone player, and a lover of cats. But notice that the words "nimble" and "fleet-footed" are NOT among those words I chose. Look at his legs. They agree with his body even less than his eyebrows do, and that's saying A LOT. Plus, his footwear has always been at odds with him. That's why he rarely kicks...other than the obvious mutation, I mean. Again, you HAVE to play to your strengths or else. Putting a guy like Abobo in this position is the reason why things went downhill for you so fast. He needs a steady terrain with an enclosed environment so he can trap his opponents and put his mass to good use...

Oh, you're not even fucking listening, are you...?

As bad as things are at this point, there is still potential here. You've got Machine Gun Willy, so that's a plus. I'd work on that name, but otherwise you're good. Don't link yourselves up with any guys that look like this...

Or...

Or, God forbid...

*sighs*

...and you should do just fine. You've got the numbers, the attitude, the resources (seriously, how the HELL did you guys get so many helicopters in this age?), and a diversity about you that I personally admire. You just haven't hit your stride yet, but you will as long as you stay on a reasonable path. Don't over do it, and play to your strengths. Find yourselves a decent leader if you must, an--

Looks promising...Wait...

...fuck it. You're on your own.

*- Here's a hint: Stop using whips as a weapon in street combat.